What a busy weekend I have had so far with another full day today!!! I love to be busy, surrounded by family and friends and having fun!!
It is Gemuetlichkeit Days here in Jefferson, WI. What is that you might ask? It is German Heritage Days and a host of wonderful family events are the order of the weekend. Bed races this morning followed by our always delightful parade. Yes it is a great excuse for drinking in the streets and grilling out but it is much more in my heart of hearts! My husband accompanied me to my very first Gemuetlichkeit parade and together we enjoyed the fun and festivities! It is so bittersweet for me...yet I love it! Tears are shed throughout the day as memories of my sweet, gentle Matthew invade my heart and mind. How he loved to be with us all and we with him. This man that brought so many new experiences into my life will always and forever be with all of us who love and miss him so very much.
We entered out precious little doggies into the cutest pet contest for the first time and wouldn't you know EVERYONES entries were misplaced!!! LOL So we will not find out the winners until after the event ends!! It's okay we had a blast getting them ready. I made them little floral crowns and we took their pictures in front of a little German flag with beer steins of beer, secretly applying peanut butter around the rim so the doggies would lick inside the mugs. They came out a bit blurry but very cute anyway. I think we stand a good chance to win.
So my friends I just want to say once again that Life IS Good, and I am living it as best I can!! Have a wonderful day!!!!!
Sometimes we take a break from something that we love and there is no reason. Whether we get sidetracked with work, play, struggles or just plain laziness we may experience a void and not even realize where it is coming from.
When I began this blog it was as therapy for myself and to help the people who love and care about me to understand my changing moods and struggles. I also thought that maybe some of my struggles and circumstances might help someone else going through ups and downs to know for certain that they are not alone.
I have experienced some tough times the past few weeks and unfortunately choose to shut down and retreat into my "smiley" world.
When I say that I really mean to show a smile and pretend that all is fine with the world, all the while hurting, keeping to myself as much as possible and trying not to let anyone know that I am in pain yet again. This is when I tell myself that people are sick and tired of my moods, that is has been long enough that I shouldn't still be crying and feeling alone and miserable and that if I were as strong as everyone seems to think I am I wouldn't be acting and feeling this way. I remind myself that my dear Matthew would NOT be proud of me, that I am letting him down and that perhaps this is all there is. With all these thoughts going through my mind I still cannot pull myself out of the funk. How long is this going to last? Will I feel like this forever?
Suddenly I got a message from a former classmate simply asking why I had stopped writing my blog. Why had I stopped? Was I at a place that I thought no one cared? Was I afraid to write the truth? Was I just tired of writing? Was I out of things to say? Yes and no to all of the above. What matters to me? I love to write, to share my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences. Do I think no one cares? Of course at times I do feel they are tired of hearing it, tired of trying to make me feel better, tired of "being there" for me. That is mostly in my mind. Afraid to write the truth? Maybe a bit. I don't want to be judged but at the same time others are going through the same thing and I am not judging them and they need to know they aren't alone. And those that do judge, go ahead, I really don't care anymore. I will never run out of things to say....LOL! So thanks to my former classmate and friend, thank you for waking me up, and encouraging me, because I am not done. I am back and I hope I bring with me something you can enjoy and even find helpful as we continue to go through this world. Let's reach for the brass ring....this is my life, only I can change it, only I can live it...life IS good, let's live!!!!
Well....I was typing away on another masterpiece of a blog when I apparently hit the wrong button and erased the whole thing. I am thinking this was a sign that it wasn't what I was meant to be writing about..lol.
Perhaps I will write about something entirely different.
I ran across a statement on Face Book this morning that really got my mind racing. It said, "Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period." I read that and said "Wow! That is pretty black and white." However it is very true. Regardless of why I make the choices I make, I, and I alone, make the final decision. Whether or not I have some influence from my past experiences or present circumstances I still make a conscience choice when making all decisions. And if that is true for me, then it is true of every decision maker right?
Wow! It suddenly dawns on me that I need to be better informed in some cases before I open my mouth. If I chose to say something to someone I need to chose the correct words to express what I really mean. It now has become a matter of integrity. I don't want to make bad choices and try to blame it on choice of words. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say. That is a choice that I am making right here and now!
I have made some humongous bad decisions in my life and I know that I will make more, I know I am only human. But I am going to really work on thinking it through before making the same mistakes again. It will rest firmly on my shoulders and I am going to take full responsibility for all the decisions I make from here on out!!
One of the things I am going to be making better choices about is what I do in my spare time. I am going to chose to make better use of my time. I am going to chose to become healthier. And I am going to chose to learn to say "no" and not be talked into doing things that I don't want to do. I am choosing right now to take better care of me and if that means I am choosing to be selfish so be it.
It will probably take me some time to implement this new found knowledge so please be patient while I work out the kinks. I am looking forward to being a better, more decisive me.
Life is good.....live it!!!
As I sit here in my self imposed isolation I am filled with anxiety. I am anxious because I don't know what my future holds. Where my tomorrow lays. When and if I will every be completely happy again.
The welcomed visit from Matthew's brother and nephew has brought so many memories and feelings to my heart, to my head and to my soul. Once I was loved with a whole heart.
When did I slip into this life of complacency? When did I lose my sense of value? When did I decide that I would accept whatever love or attention I could get? When did I allow myself to settle for half a relationship?
I know in the beginning I was so lonely and longed for human intimacy so badly I didn't care where the comfort came from, just so I wasn't alone.
It has taken me days to write what is here so far. Let me see if i can complete my thoughts today.
With so many struggles going on the past few days I hardly know which end is up. Although this is common to me I find myself overwhelmed and unable to find my center. Every step I take seems off, out of synch, and as if I am about to fall headlong into god only knows what! The anxiety is consuming. But I can somewhat focus today. I am placing that focus on me. What gets me through the day today is the most important aspect of life for me at this point. I know myself...and I know if I continue stressing on all this minute crap I will be swallowed up by meaningless actions of unknowing people. I don't for a moment believe that people are out to get me. One person has no idea what another unthinking person is doing that is frustrating me. It is difficult to explain to a friend that something they have done only added to a heap of stuff already in the fire in my head, heart and soul adding fuel to that fire. One person thinks, sheesh she is so over reacting, but they fail to realize they are not the only person in my life!
The puzzle of my life is missing pieces. Some are just misplaced and will be put back into the full picture in due time, others are lost forever and I must find ways to fill those empty places to make my life complete again. Sometimes those empty places cause me to stumble and look at life's events harsher than I would have before. I become anxious trying not to stumble and fall around these places, trying to keep it all together as completely as possible.
I know this blog is scattered and probably doesn't make a lot as sense but to my head, heart and soul it is good medicine.
I recognize today that I am headed down a far to familiar road that I refuse to go down again. I realize that people are going to hurt me for the rest of my life, some not meaning to and others dead set to do so. But they can only hurt me if I allow them to. I am growing stronger, I feel it, I know it. I am not turning around now. A new, stronger, more in control Judi is emerging. Look out, cause life IS good, and I am going to live it MY way!!!
To say my memory isn't as good as it once was is an understatement. I am thinking that sometimes that is not a bad thing! I only wish it weren't such a selective thing. Seems some good things are forgotten all too quickly where things that aren't so pleasant hang in there and bug me.
Just what am I to do with those things, albeit little things mostly, that bug the crap out of me? It can even be things that I tell myself I am going to forget about and not worry about. And then....just when I haven't thought about in a long time, I get into a funk ...and BAM.....right in the forefront of my thoughts! To fester and poke at my and add to my pile of crap!!!
Like life doesn't have enough drama without me getting my shorts in a knot because I loaned someone some money (not a lot) and I didn't want to and now I want to tell her how it aggravated me. Or another friend I try to help who always lets me buy the stamps and gas, sometimes I take here out or to dinner, but she takes her other friends out when she has money. And there are the friends that tell me ....if you need me I'll be there for you and whenever I have finally reached the point where I reach out....they aren't available? Their memories are short too and I KNOW that I need to not take it personal, but I kinda do.
Where in heck was I going with this...see I told you memory was not the greatest! LOL
Guess I just needed to vent a little bit. I know other people are in the same boat and I realize I have been on the dishing out end of the said bad memory experience. I hope I learn and keep my word and don't impose on people. I hope I can always be a good friend and own it if I mess up. But I always know that I have friends that will forget and forgive just as I do.
I feel better just letting this out.
Without a lot of enthusiasm at this moment I continue to say.....Life is GOOD, Live it!!!
Life is like a checking account. Anyway that's how I look at it. I need to look at my check register and make sure I am still in the black.
What do I mean by this? I'll be happy to tell you!
When I wake up in the morning I have funds in my life checking account. Each time I extend a kindness, go above and beyond in a situation to please someone, or even smile or speak to a stranger I am writing checks on those funds. Sometimes I am writing checks and never even leave the house. If a friend is having a rough time and I listen on the phone, I am emotionally investing and therefore writing a check on my account. Occasionally I write checks on my account without coming in contact with a person. If I have had a struggle with someone and it comes to mind and I mull it over and over in my brain I am depleting my account.
So what happens when I run out of funds in my account? I start bouncing checks. I am in the red! If I don't take action I can quickly become bankrupt!
The best way to stay in the black is to be very very careful how many checks you write. Always making sure that you have the funds to cover it before you write it. And most importantly take all deposits offered!
A deposit is a kindness showed to you, a kind word, a hug, a smile from someone special, a compliment or even waking up to sunshine. The balance goes up on your account and you feel confident to start writing checks again.
I have found that if I write a check I really don't want to write it decreases my account even more quickly. And before the day is over I am bouncing checks!
Saying yes when I really mean no also gets my life checking account in big trouble! I am going to have to learn to say no, mean it and stick to it.
Life is good....keep an eye on your checking account so you have the funds to LIVE it!!!!
What am I doing? One step forward and half a dozen back...I am so tired of remaining in the same spot!
When I wake in the morning and have the same feelings, the same sense of lost vision, the same lonely, hurting, aching foreboding nothingness I wonder when is this going to end, what am I doing wrong? Let's try, EVERYTHING!!
I reach out momentarily and grab a piece of normal here and there. But all too quickly I release it and hunker back into my world of what I think I need to make me happy. And that in itself is a joke, because I have no idea what that is at the moment. Do I even now what being happy is anymore. Is it just a concept I have in my head? Is my heart capable of happiness? I have put on a face for so long. I am supposed to move forward, I am supposed to be happy, I am supposed to be alright. Sure I have times when I think I am happy. I feel happy. Then I do things that mess it all up. I dwell on the what ifs and the I should haves and the I wishes.
When am I going to get it through my head that my life is what I choose it to be? Why must I think my happiness is based on this person or that thing happening or anything other than ME?
It's like my head knows the answers and my heart battles it on ever issue. This constant bickering between head and heart is driving me crazy! What I want, what I need, what others think I need, what I don't want, what I settle for, I feel as though I could explode!!! I try to do things that should make me happy and often I am anxious and feel like I need to be doing something else, not idea what that is however.
So do I listen to head or heart? Are my expectations just too grand? Do I live in a fantasy world? Is there a happily ever after?
Today is one of those "pull yourself up by your boot strap" kind of days. I am scattered, which is obvious by this blog. So for today I will try to find a center....a place where I can be content, no demands for tomorrow, no unobtainable dreams, just here and now, listening to .....what? I'm not sure, maybe not listening at all...maybe just feeling, just being for today.
It is my life...there is good here....and I will live it.
