Looking For My Last First Kiss

Remember when you gave your best friend a note to give the boy you had a crush on?  The note would say, "Do you like me yes or no, circle your answer".  Remember your mom telling you "he only teases you because he likes you"?  And remember hanging out wherever the boys were in hopes that special boy would notice you?  I am here to tell you things have changed!

I have been trying to utilize the world of online dating sites and what a mess!  In one single day I was stood up, bald-faced lied to (more than once), insulted,  purposed to, for more than marriage, and kept awake all night!

I do believe the days of harmless flirtations, notes, and being in the right place at the right time are gone forever. Men and women troll the internet highways and byways looking for their next conquest with alarming speed.  There is no regard for truth whatsoever.  There is nothing personal or even human in the search.  

I have a friend that is out on a turkey shoot.  This morning he sent me a text saying the weather is great  the turkeys are not cooperating though.  I sent one back that said "LOL...ummmmm can't say as I blame them, shall I crawl out of my nice warm bed and run around in circles outside so some guy can shoot me or shall I stay put?"  That brought to mind my dating site fiasco!  It's kind of like a turkey shoot.

What possessed me to go onto this site, write an ad for myself, try to sell myself to total strangers and expect different results?  And to top it all off, why do I get so upset when it doesn't work?  They are strangers!!!!  They don't give a shit!  They don't know me nor do the want to.  They want to get their dicks wet.  They want to put another notch on their cyber headboards.

And the older they are, they worse they are.  All of a sudden these middle aged, and older, men think they are god's gift to women.  They think they are sexy beyond belief and can give her the world both in bed and out.  Really?  Get a grip guys and look in the mirror.  That "athletic" body you have...ummm  not so much.  Those hot,sexy eyes on your face, look again, they are a little crossed and saggy.  And when you can't write a sentence using proper English...well let me tell you....that's does NOT impress me much even though you claim to have a PHD.

The profiles that say "looking for a relationship" are a laugh.  They are looking for "relations" only.  Preferable with NO strings.  They make up a screen name with some sexual tones to it like; MakeUscream69 and that is supposed to get your attention and lure you into their bed for some love and respect.  They may say, "financially secure man seeks stable woman" really means, "I might have a couple of bucks, which I won't be spending on you, let's have a roll in the hay they grab your stuff and be on your way."  No involvement, to commitment, nothing personal.  

One guy that I was chatting with (can't say talking, they all want to "chat") said he thought we should meet.  I agreed that that might be fun.  When he asked me when I was free and I replied that my calender was pretty open and went on to explain how I had too much free time, blah, blah, blah the conversation totally changed.  When I tried to put a person into the conversation, rather that a piece of ass he suddenly was no longer interested.  Suddenly he had to get off line as he had to work early.  The pursuit ended and I pretended to leave,  only to watch as 2 1/2 hours later Mr Had To Go To Work was still working the site for a quick dick fix.  

Nameless people playing games.  It's not about getting to know someone, exchanging phone numbers, going out on a date to learn more about them.  It's not about becoming attracted to each other and wanting to be together.  It's about how quickly can I get this person to bed.  They don't even care if they like you as long as you give out the goods.

I made a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago to meet over breakfast.  He said he would come to me and we made plans to meet at a local cafe.  The afternoon before our meeting he sent me a message, via the site we met on, saying his mom had taken a turn for the worse and he needed to be there.  I sent back my regards and told him of course I understood.  A week later he drops me another message asking if I would care to try meeting for breakfast again.  Friday, same time same place.  I again agreed and gave him my phone number in case something came up..lol.  The appointed time came on Friday and I went to the cafe.  Couldn't find the guy.  It's car show weekend and the place was full of strange guys, it was creepy! I went back outside and waited, 15 minutes later I got in my truck and came home.  No message from the guy, no call, no nothing.  I left him a message, like a fool, giving him the benefit of the doubt, telling him I hope everything is okay.  No I don't...I hope he bites his damn tongue off!  Anyway I have heard NOTHING from him.  And I let this bother me?  LOL.

The thing is, so many of us would rather go through this humiliation and take a risk with some pretty questionable people than be alone.  Some of us have that need to have someone in our life so badly that we turn to stupid websites because we don't know where else to turn.  When we should be out interacting with real people we are sitting on computers trying to FIND real people.  Hiding behind the screen we can be, and so can they,whoever we want or perceive ourselves to be.  There is NOTHING real about that.  And when the people you are trying to be real with are not and probably believe you are not either where could it possibly go?

I want a real life, I want a real relationship with a real man.  Time I get real and do something about it!  It is MY life after all, there is no easy fix for loneliness, there is not easy answer in figuring out where HE might be.  I am not giving up the search, but I am giving up the means. No more profile saying "Looking For My Last First Kiss".  I'm living my life, my way.

Neglected,Rejected and Defective

It is amazing to me how down on myself I can truly get!  Unworthy, unloved, and inconsolable.  When I think it through I recognize the source, but usually not until the damage is done.  It stops now..I am putting it out there...I am in control.

Not long ago in a therapy session I was relating to my therapist how, as a child, I was sent to live with various relatives by well meaning parental figures.  That's confusing isn't it?  My parents divorced when I was young, my daddy gained custody of me.  He was in the military, therefore living with him was not an option, as he spend tours of duty at sea.  I was placed with my paternal grandparents.  A big responsibility for an older couple who had already raised their own children.  When my daddy remarried I was reunited with him but things were not good between me and his new wife.  So back I went.  I think it was discussed that I might be better off with an aunt and uncle and maybe even I spent some time with them and that also failed.  Next came another aunt and uncle and at one point they were going to adopt me.  After a couple of years that too came to an abrupt end.  Again I went to live with Daddy and again, I was sent packing back my grandparents.  That was when I started feeling defective.  Everyone gave me back!

When I was 12 it was decided that it would be in my best interest to send me to my mother.  I had NO memory of my mother, prior to a visit with her the year before.  I was told that I would go "visit" with my mother and her family for the summer.  However when the summer ended I was told that the arrangement would be permanent.  Yes, that was when the rejected part came into play.

I only lived with my mother for 4 years.  I formed a bond with my siblings but truly never had a mother-daughter relationship with my mother.  I have come to terms with that and am really okay with it.  We made our peace and I can say with all honesty I love my mother and I miss her, and I wish things had been different but I am happy for what I had.  We all did the best we knew how. 

When I left my mother's home I went to live with my maternal grandparents.  Yes, I bounced around a bit!  I had a freedom with them that I had never experienced and was  much like a kid in a candy store.  I spread my wings and thought I could fly.  By today's standards I was not a bad kid, in fact I think I managed pretty well.  Then I fell in "love".  I met my first husband when I was 14 through a mutual friend. Started dating him when I was 16 and married him when I was 17!  Twenty plus years and 2 beautiful children later he left me for another woman proving how neglected, rejected and defective I really was!!

Somehow I survived that nightmare, that's what it felt like to me, and Matthew came into my life, in a very unusual way.  He shared a house with my daughter, her husband and another friend.  He became my friend, helped me get through the roughest times I had ever faced and he eventually stole my heart. 

I'll not pretend we had a perfect marriage, even though in hindsight it appears that way, but he was always there for me, even when I didn't deserve his understanding and compassion.  We were at the point where we were looking forward to growing old together and having adventures on our own.  Our youngest was a senior in high school, our nest would soon be empty and we truly enjoyed being together and were still very much "in love".  I was no longer neglected, rejected or defective! I was well taken care of, loved, happy and whole.

In the blink of eye it all went terribly wrong.  He was gone before the realization of the situation hit home.  I was alone, without my love, with no idea where home was, with not much desire to live.  How would I survive this?  Neglected, rejected, dejected and defective once again.

I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to give up.  How many times I have begged the powers that be to take me from this world.  How many times I have thrown my hands up in despair saying "I am DONE!"

I wish I could tell you that I never feel neglected, rejected, dejected, and defective even under the silliest and slightest of circumstances.  But when I look at the enormity of circumstances that I have been through, is there anything today going on in my life that is so awful?

Yes I get lonely, but if I pull my head together and reach out I don't have to be.  Yes I sometimes feel neglected, but that is usually because I have isolated myself once again.  Rejected, perhaps by some, but those who have rejected me hold no power over me. And as for defective, I certainly am NOT!!

It is the wee hours of the morning that I am writing this.  I woke from a sound sleep with those 3 words ringing in my mind.  A sign that I needed to deal with them, now, this moment.  I had to put them in prospective to clear my mind.  I am not longer helpless.  I am strong, I am alive and I am well.  And I will fight these feelings with everything I have!!  I am loved, I am accepted by those that matter and I am ME, Judi, Mother, Grandmother, Sister, friend, lover and a good person.  It's my life......I am living it.....freeing myself of the these 3 words!!

Imperfections

It's been a while since I posted.  The reason being I don't know where to begin.  I don't know where I am, what I am doing, what I want or where I want to be.

Frustrated, lost, anger, resentment, restless, nothingness, deprived, alone, and defective.  Words describing what I have been feeling lately.  A far cry from the words I wish for to describe my life.  Circles, I have been moving in circles, thinking I was moving forward each day, only to realize I have gotten nowhere.  

To be fair to myself, I have made some positive changes.  I have taken control over my health.  I have been eating much much better, lost some weight and put exercise into my plan.  So outwardly I have something positive to show.  But on the inside ....sigh.

I have grown impatient with many people around me. Almost cynical with some people who make promises I know they will not keep.  Even little things make me doubt their definition of being a friend or even a concerned acquaintance.  I have become short with people I love and care about.  I seem to have lost that edge I have always had of pointing out negatives in a positive way.  I am hurting and don't care if I step on toes.  I feel neglected and resentful.  I think I am reaching out but obviously (to me) no one sees that.  I'm tired.  Tired of trying to balance.  I am angry with circumstances that I have no control over and wondering how the hell to care without over spending emotionally.

As in my blog referencing life being a checking account I am overdrawn!!!  I am in the red!!  I don't know how to earn deposits to get back into the black!!  I find myself making decisions that I am unable to keep.  I see myself seeking change that I cannot seem to implement. My thoughts have a life of their own, not knowing when to shut off!  

Yes I am an emotional mess right now.  Just when I thought it safe to let myself be happy and at peace I have lost my ever-loving mind!  Not any one thing, not any one piece of the puzzle causing all this inner chaos.  Many fragments, many little aggravations, many little disappointments coming together to loom as failure to my quest for happiness and peace.

Then I wonder; Am I one of these little aggravations to someone who loves and cares about me?  Just one of the many they may be experiencing?  Am I taking more than I am giving in return?  Am I making promises I am not keeping?  The answer is probably I am.  Am I doing it on purpose?  The answer is NO!  Therefore, are my friends and family letting me down on purpose?  NO!  Do they even realize they are?  NO!  

Time to put my big girl panties on and stop being the guest of honor at my own pity-party and put it into perspective.  I and I alone make my own choices.  I and I alone am responsible for those choices.  And I and I alone read the actions of those around me.  If I expect more than I am getting from someone I am setting myself up.  I have to accept the fact, that just like myself, people mean well when they make promises and tell you they are there for you.  Then life happens and you are not a priority.  Get the hell over it Judi and be your own best friend.  Be there for yourself!  Make the most of every situation.  Put on your Matthew glasses and see the BEST in everyone and don't take it personal when people disappoint you.

Wow...this is so not what I intended this blog to be when I began!!  It never ceases to amaze me what comes out when I sit down to write.  Cleansing of the soul often.  Airing out the cobwebs.  Looking into the mirror and seeing a bit clearer what others might see.

I am glad to have this chance to open the windows of my mind from time to time.  Even when it sounds crazy and makes little sense to many, it may help someone to realize that some of the things in there life aren't as bad as they think either.

After all, I woke up this morning and have made it all the way to late morning.  I have not exploded into nothingness and still have things to look forward to, even if not my fantasy life.  I have family and friends who love me, even if they are not perfect.  I see life for what it is....an imperfect opportunity to live, learn, laugh, and love.  It is what it is and can only be changed by ME.  It is my imperfect life, it will NEVER be perfect, but I experience many perfect moments!!!  I will live for these moments...it's my life and today I will live it!!!

Counting the Good

I am feeling so lonely right now.  When I am around my family and friends for several days and my life goes back to the norm I feel incredibly alone!  You would think after days of partying for my birthday and having my son and grandson sleeping over I would be ready for a little boring normal, but alas I find myself in tears tonight!  Missing my son, missing my lover, missing my family, missing the noise. 

Someone advised me that when I am feeling low I should go back over the past few days and look at all the good things.  So to heed that advice I will try.

On Friday my wonderful son David came in from TX!!  I had not seen him since November 2010, and that's a long time.  I had been missing him so much and wanted to experience a "David" hug!  So seeing him, having him here was indeed special!!  We had Christmas when he arrived as I had his Christmas gifts here for the past couple of Christmas!! 

Later Friday night we were all at Leanna's for games and laughs.  We had sooo much fun!!  Then my grandsons and David came home with me and we had a slumber party!!

On Saturday Leanna, Desiree, the boys and I went to Trader Joe's in Madison and bought a few things.  I love that place!  And it helped kill the time before my birthday dinner on Saturday night at Leanna's.

At dinner I had an amazing surprise!!  The wonderful man I have been seeing for almost 2 1/2 yrs surprised me by coming to the dinner party!  I was in 7th heaven surrounded by people that I love and care for so very much!!  It was a wonderful evening!!  AND  I got an iPod Touch that I wanted really really really badly!!  I LOVE it!!!!  Thank you everyone for pitching in for that!!!!  And thank you Leanna, Jerry, Zachary, Quyn, Daniel, David, Anna, Desiree and my love for making it such a fabulous celebration!!!

I am so very blessed to have such loving friends and family that would take so much time out of their busy schedules to pamper me and spend quality time with me.  I need to remember that when I am lonely.  

Now I feel kinda like a schmuck!  Whining and crying that I'm lonely when so many people made sure I was treated so special on my special day!!!

Okay, got my big girl panties on now.  Ready to watch some TV, then listen to my iPod and relax and enjoy the wonderful memories we made this weekend.

My life is SOOOO good and I am SOOOO lucky to be living it!!!

A Complicated Love

Have been frustrated for days both with my life and my blog.  Couldn't access so I could write, finally figured out the problem....now if I could only solve my life issues as easily.

Falling deeper in love with my man each time we are together but he is still undecided what he is going to do in the situation.  He seems more committed to me in all he says and does but then he does something so selfish that I reel from it.

He took a vacation day and spent Valentine's Day with me and afterwards I remembered that is his wedding anniversary!  He was with me ...ouch!  For the first time since our relationship began I felt a huge pang of guilt.  Once upon a time I would not even have thought of seeing a married man, now I have been doing it for almost 2 1/2 years.  Who am I?  

Oh I can justify it, trust me on that.  But do I want to anymore?  I am so confused I don't know which end is up.  I try to sort it out in my head and my heart puts in it's two cents worth and I am back at square one.  I love him.  He loves me.  Blah, blah this and blah, blah that, if's and should's... I am losing my mind!!

After a few days of not seeing him I practice my dismissal speech and set my mind to ending it.  Then he comes in the door and my resolve quickly dissolves.  He is here, we are tucked away in our own little world where no one can touch us and we are safe and in love.  Our own little world...it is nice, but it is NOT what I want all the time.  I want to go out and share life's experiences.  I want to shout from the rooftops that he is mine and I am his.  I want to be accepted as a couple.  Is this EVER going to happen?  I don't know, but I do know that my patience is running out.  I am tired of waiting and wanting.  I want to go to bed with him each night and wake up with him each morning.  I want to make his dinner and his breakfast and send him off to work every day and welcome him home every evening.  I want to do things with him that he is passionate about and expect him to do the same with me.  I want an all or nothing relationship with this man.

So the question I have to ask myself is how much longer am I willing to wait?  What is it going to take for me to take a stand and issue an ultimatum?  Not that I haven't done that in the past.  I have, to no avail.  I took him back 3 times!!!  Once after no communication for over a month.  I know, I know what was I thinking?  The truth be told I couldn't think.  My heart over ruled ever thought that came into my brain.  I honestly felt I was going to die.  

So what brings me to this point again I am asking myself.  Life has brought me to this point.  There are no guarantees in this life....I have a young friend with breast cancer, I have a high school friend that was just diagnosed with colon cancer and lost 4 other classmates last year.  I may not have time to dick around and wait for him to decide what he wants.  I KNOW what I want and if I can't have it I will find someone who does want what I want.  It's as simple as that.  Do I want to start all over?  NOOOOOO I don't, but the choice is not mine to make.

I am not asking for understanding, or advice.  I am putting this out there so if you are in a similar situation you know you are not struggling alone.  We all make mistakes, especially when the heart is involved.  There is NO need to beat ourselves up, no need to try to wish it all away.  It is what it is and regardless of how we got here it is our choice to do what we feel we must do.  

Today I feel strongly that I will stick to my guns very soon and make my demands known.  Tomorrow I may feel differently.  But at the end of the day, it's my life, I am living it to the best of my ability today and looking to make a better tomorrow for ME.  My life is good, and I will continue to live it MY way.

I Can Do More....I WILL Do More

As the anniversary of Matthew's death approaches and I reexamine, for the one millionth time, where I'm at in this game of life, I cannot help but wonder where the time goes and why I feel as though I must have sleep some of it away.  

I feel as though I must be stuck in some invisible trap, some limbo that prevents me from making progress to some unknown destination.  I appear to be stuck in a rut that just gets deeper making it impossible to scale up the sides and find whatever it is I need or am looking for.  The harder I try to make progress the more things around me materialize to make my forward movement stall.  I impede myself in making change more often than not.  Although I know this, it is NOT easy to reprimand myself and certainly more challenging yet to institute change.  

It's like right now I set low expectations so I KNOW I won't be disappointed.  Set the bar low and I don't have to try to hard to keep things on track.  If I move the bar up then I must work harder to move forward. Some goals are much easier to work toward than others of course.  My physical goals right now are a much larger priority over any emotional goals.  They are much easier to focus on and seem much more doable at the moment.

I feel like the immortalized Scarlet O'Hara right now, I'll not think about that today, I will think about it tomorrow.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Sticking my head in the sand and any other appropriate cliche dealing with avoidance.

Again I find myself retreating into my own world.  Keeping to myself, my mind racing every minute on trivial things.  Forever searching for meaning, for substance, for worth.  Still asking why, what if and wondering if someday I will be whole again.  

I have reached a point of determination the last couple of days however.  I have a plan for the moment.  I am going to throw myself into my health, and into the breast cancer causes.  I am going to dedicate my time to helping with the Gatorfest and preparing for The 3 Day in Chicago.  I am going to use my passion to help myself feel better about me and my health and to help those fighting a real battle for their very lives.  I am going to try with all that have to forget my woes and focus on something that matters.

This is my life, I cannot always change the things I would like but I can certainly learn to accept them or get the hell out.  I can do more and I will do more.  I make my own choices and am prepared to accept the consequences.  My life has very good parts, no one has a perfect life.  My life is mine and will live it, because life overall is GOOD!!  Bad things happen, really bad things, but we cannot live there.....

Emotional? Me?

I don't know.  I have been so emotional lately.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of being emotional and I am tired of this indecisive mind of mine!

I have thrown myself into healthy eating and exercise but my spiritual being is screaming from deep inside!  My mind is in constant turmoil.  Thoughts from here to there in 0.4 seconds.  Even my fantasies are odd and unfamiliar to me.  

I have not been sleeping well and I know for me that is a MUST!  Without sleep I cannot focus on any one thing, let alone the billion and one things that have been on my mind lately.  That will have to become my number one obstacle to overcome these next few days. 

It's funny how sometimes when I write it's like  my fingers have a mind of their own and thoughts I didn't even know I was thinking emerge.  Perhaps my fingers are smarter than my brain at this moment.

I know that for me organization of challenges is a priority.  I have not been doing a very good job of choosing my battles lately.  I am letting far too many things become a battle.  One at a time Judi, one at a time. And what is worthy of fighting for and what is NOT?  Slow down.  Focus on what is important for you and your loved ones.  What can you feasibly   change and do?  All the worry in the world changes exactly NOTHING.

Yep talking to oneself may seem crazy to some, but to me it is perfectly normal.  I am my own sounding board.  At times however I seem to ignore or forget my own best advice.  The human in me still wants what she wants the way she wants it, not only for me but for those I love that have a direct affect on my life.

I know some around me are concerned about my emotional state, I can assure you I am not in a bad place right now.  I just seem to have a conviction in my heart right now that demands action.  That demand is intense and at times confusing to my brain/heart thought process.  I am at times so overwhelmed with the weight of my thoughts on certain matters that I require lots of alone time to try and sort out and categorize them.  I am not hiding or shutting anyone out, I am just trying as best I can to keep some order in my life.  

I ask that you, my family and friends, be patient with me, allow me to move through this maze of mine at my own pace, accept me and my decisions without question and love me.  I am a big girl.  I have been doing this life thing for a long time.  I have made mistakes and I have learned lessons the hard way.  I trust myself these days, which is new to me.  I fall down, I may wallow, but I always get up.  It's my life, my journey and I will live it my way, I will love days of it and I will hate days of it, this I know to be true.  But in the end it's good and I am happy to be living it.