Waiting

You know, I have come to realize that I am not very good at waiting for most things.

Good things come to those who wait? Yes they may come, but the agony of waiting makes it come so slowly!! Prolonging the gratification is hard. I find I whine, I sigh, I piddle, and I piss and moan. I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing the number of days, hours and minutes before my next adventure! I count down in sleeps, because when my kids were little that's what we used for them.  Christmas will be here in 15 more sleeps, we would tell them.

I am trying to contain my excitement, but not much! I have big hopes for this trip and my dear friend pointed out she hopes I am not disappointed. I suppose that is a possibility, but as always I have on my rose colored glasses and can see nothing but promise ahead of me. After such a long wait I cannot even begin to think it will be nothing but a great experience! 

Go into any new experience expecting the best, but prepared for the unexpected. Mmmmm that's an interesting phrase. I am going on this trip expecting to expand on a new relationship. We met, we like each other and we want to get to know each other better. We both hope a deeper relationship is the result. We know what we are looking for in a partner and are both expecting to have a wonderful time! So how would I prepare for the unexpected? I already have my return flight booked. Worse case scenario I come home early.? I don't foresee that but if that's being prepared then I'm prepared. I am just one of those people that expect the best and if the worse happens then I muddle through. 

Whatever happens happens. If I have learned nothing else in this life it is that I cannot control anything but myself. And at times I am not very good at that. But life is going to happen, and I'm going to make it through and make the most out of it. I am going to go on this trip, be myself, enjoy myself to the fullest and make great memories with a man that I not only like, but that has shown me generous interest and a desire to form a lasting relationship. Yes, we have moved rather fast, but you know...we aren't spring chickens and we are both intelligent people with no other ties so why not jump in and see what happens? We are already friends and enjoy each others company so if we stay just friends that's okay too.

You see, it is my life and I can never have too many friends in my life. I need people to care about and love and make memories with. I'm living my life for me. And I only have to wait 3 more sleeps to begin yet another adventure!!!   

Ooops I Got Distracted

Some of those beautiful things in life that I was speaking about in my last blog distracted me from completing it!

Being totally consumed with my upcoming trip to PA and trying desperately to keep myself busy I jumped at the chance to go out with a great friend and totally forgot to finish my thoughts.  When I came back from my outing I assure you writing more would probably not have been a good thing as I don't have a breathalyzer on my  laptop, and boy do I need one sometimes!  The next morning, without much thought, I simply clicked publish not even realizing I hadn't finished writing.  So, now that I have reread what I was trying to say is I am so glad that I do have so much beauty in my life.  That the beauty does in fact shine and the ugly negativity is taking a back seat to much more positive things in my life. 

It's a shame that so many of us take the everyday beauty in our lives for granted.  I had a friend one time that said she never had seen a miracle.  I guess it all depends on what we consider miracles to be. Whenever I see a newborn baby, a gorgeous sunrise, a couple in love, the beauty of friendship, the changing seasons, a smile from a stranger or even hear a song I love it brings thoughts of miracles to my mind.  To me miracles are those little things that bring joy into my heart, pleasant memories to my mind, and smiles to my senses.  Things that remind me how wonderful it is to be alive, well, happy and have the ability to love and care and give.

Yes at times I see far too clearly the negative things in my life, but if I step back, take a deep breath, turn my focus to the beauty I know is there I realize, a lot quicker than I used to, that life is so very good. I know that I am blessed with so many good things in my life.  I am learning that I deserve these good things. I am learning to enjoy them and embrace them!  I know life has many more good things in store for me, and I'll not hide from them, but will open my eyes and my heart and accept it all.

My life is filled with good, with beauty and joy.  I am happier today than I have been in a long time and I know that it's only to get better. This is my life, and I am going to live it!!

There Is Always Beauty

Why is that at times, even when things are looking up in life, I continue to look at the negative?  Why does the negative loom larger that the positive?  How do I reverse this?

I am so excited about my trip I can hardly contain myself!  I have done a lot of packing and preparing. I have figured out my budget. I talk to David daily and we talk about out plans endlessly. I have been keeping myself busy, or at least trying to. And yet I find time to mull over stupid little things that bring me down. Things I have no control over, people I have no control over and relationships that I am not sure of. 

Then I saw this......

So now again I need to focus on what's beautiful in my life. I am so very grateful that I have my health, especially when I know I have dear friends who fight health issues.  I am quite active and pretty proud of what I am able to do physically. I have gorgeous talented children and grandchildren, and even though I sometimes worry about them, I am blessed! I have a host of friends and family that love me and care about me, so why do I think about the ones that don't. I have an apartment that I love and can afford, so why waste my time wanting more. 

Another Chapter

Good morning!  A chill is in the air, the sun is shining, I'm up early and ready to face the day.  It does get better, it does get easier and time marches on.

I am grateful this morning for family and friends who stand beside me, who love me in moments that I hate myself, who have given up trying to figure me out and accept that I am weird  and set in my ways!

I am optimistic that life is promising me yet another opportunity.  I am looking forward to getting to know a very nice man who makes me feel special and wants to make me smile.  He is my opposite.  Reserved, professional, down to earth, logical and predictable. Where I am outgoing, bohemian, head in the clouds, heart lead and very unpredictable.  I told him I will teach him to fly and he can teach me to keep my feet on the ground.  We communicate very well and have both decided that is the key. We are looking for the same things in a partner and neither of us wants to change the other.  We are excited to spend some time together just getting to know one another!  We are looking forward to making some great memories on this trip and establishing a lasting relationship.

Closing another chapter in my life and starting a new one has not been easy.  Closure for me has been elusive.  Matthew's death, letting go of Daniel to live his life, ending my last relationship, and even learning to be on my own have challenged me in ways I cannot even explain.

I know I am strong, I know I will survive, I know I will move forward.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and mean it.  I want to get through the day without tears. I want to put my anxiety and my worry and my sadness behind me.  I want to experience deep peace. I want to enjoy that inner calmness that has evaded me for so long now.  I can sense it's near.  I can almost feel it for brief moments.  I long for the ache to leave my heart. 

I have room in my heart to love again, and I want it to be a pure love, a sweet love, a giving love. A love that knows the peace and calmness I am searching for.  A love that comes easily.  A love that will be returned, honestly and completely.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, none of us do. For today I am living my life, I am loving, I am willing to take one more chance. I am glad I am where I am, even though I struggle, I am coming out ahead of where I was yesterday.  It's another chapter in my life, the book is far from finished....I am sucker for a happy ending....Life is good!!!!

Finally Done And Feeling Free

It seems that life is finally moving forward for me again.  I am excited with the path that I am on.  But I find myself on shaky ground when it comes to the past and the hurt left behind.  Anti-climatic would be the word to partially sum up my feelings. You see, he didn't even give me an opportunity to end it in a way that gives me the satisfaction of closure.  A coward to the very end, he has avoided me, keeping a safe distance away, as if he knows what's coming. I'm certain he knows it's over, but I wanted to be the one to say the words.  I wanted to be the one to tell him the honest truth, that he is, without a doubt, the most selfish man I have ever known.  He took all I had to give and gave absolutely nothing in return.  

In hindsight, yes I know perfect vision hindsight, I knew I was fighting a losing battle.  But as any woman knows "we" can love them enough to win their heart and change them into the man of our dreams! But you know what I learned, not all men have a heart.  It's true!  Some men have only the instinct to do what feels good to them at any cost. They don't care who they hurt in the process. A cheating man hurts not only his mate, but the woman he cheats with.  The families get hurt because they see someone they love getting hurt. 

Yes it is supposed to be all hush-hush and HE is probably good at keeping it under wraps, but she (being me) needs to talk with someone about her dilemma.  She needs a sounding board and some kind of validation.  She has a conscience and  knows in her heart of hearts that she is doomed.   She really does care what others think but is so unaccepting of any reasonable advice.  She is blinded by what she thinks is the love of a man, who if she really could see logically, who is CHEATING for heavens sake!!  Is he capable of true love when he is cheating on his own wife?  I ran across a saying early on in the relationship that said, "if you love two women, chose the second, because if you loved the first one, there wouldn't be a second".  As crazy as it sounds, I believed it!  I truly thought this selfish man was capable of love and that he loved me.  Why, because he said so, and was risking his marriage to be with me.  Holy shit!

At any rate, it has run its course, it has run way too long. It has hurt way too much. It has consumed way too much of my life.  Even after ending it 3 times, the last time even telling his wife (who apparently doesn't care, after all they haven't had sex in 6 years and she never even confronted him), he still pretends he cares and wants to see me?  I wanted the satisfaction of telling him exactly how pathetic he is.  How heartless and selfish he is.  I wanted to tell him he lost!  I wanted to tell him that FINALLY I am OVER him and that I have someone who not only appreciates me but who knows how to give back in a relationship. Someone who puts me first.  It is so great to be able to go out in public, to share this great man with my family and friends. He has already proven to be 100 times more of a man than loser man could ever be.

I thought that I would never get over him, but I have. For that I am so very grateful.  It took lots of baby steps for me to break away, but today I am running full speed ahead, yes ahead, not away.  Running  into a new future. This isn't the end of life as I knew it,  it's the beginning of life as it should be.  I will build a new relationship based on truth and honesty and mutual respect.  David and I have very open and honest communication.  We both know what it is we are looking for in a partner and neither of us will settle for less.  He is not the first man I have dated since the end of my affair so for those who worry about me jumping from the pan into the fire, or rebounding, be assured I know what I'm doing, my eyes are open, I have my big girl panties on and I'm looking to live my life, to share my life with that special someone that will come along and be willing to share the journey with me.  He may be waiting for me right now...and I'm pretty sure he is!  And you know what....he already knows that I live my life my way...and he's excited about that....Ahhhh life is so good!!!!  Wish me luck, although luck really has very little to do with it, as I venture forth and go to spend some time with my David in PA.  We are both really looking forward to it!

Happy Anniversary

Another anniversary!  Another special occasion! Another date!  
Even though not a day goes by that I don't think about Matthew there are those days that are so hard to get through.  The what if's the if only's the I wishes.
Today, on what would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary the wounds are open and feel so fresh. The pain and total unfairness are overwhelming.  And even though I have moved forward I feel like I am right back there again, knowing that my wonderful husband is dying and that I am powerless to stop it! Reliving it all from beginning to end. Still questioning, still searching for meaning, still grasping for some sort of understanding and sense to the whole thing.  I want to cry out "Stop", "wake up", "please tell me this is all a horrid dream". But then I realize this is my reality.  A reality worse than nightmare. The love I have to give is still beating in my heart.  My heart doesn't understand that he is gone.  It needs to love. It tries to love. It wants to love.  What a mess I have made.  I let my heart love someone totally unworthy of the kind of love I carry in my heart. 
I know that there is someone out there that my heart can love as it did Matthew and that Matthew will be happy to allow in my life.  I know Matthew wants me to be loved in the same way he loved me, unashamed, totally and completely, treasured, valued and never ending! I know that he will help direct me and that he will show me how to let that love loose again and to accept being loved again.
I know that Matthew's life was full and happy, he truly lived a lifetime.  I know he is sad that I miss him so much and continue to grieve for him, but I also know he understands and he comforts me and he is watching out for me.  He has closed doors that I should not have walked through, but stubborn me pushed through them anyway.  But Matthew has remained there beside me, never tiring of picking me up, perhaps shaking his head, but still smiling that Matthew smile knowing I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do...living my life my way, crap and all...lol  Life is good and I'm gonna make it better....Thanks Matthew for still loving me...for still having my back and for the memories....I love you

?? What's The Question Again??

I've tried and tried to find happiness and fulfillment only to find myself tired, unhappy and empty.

What am I doing wrong?  The bigger question in my heart and mind right now is; What am I doing right?

Seems to me if I were doing what's right my life would be in much better shape.

All goes back to choices I guess.  What became of those choices I made?

I dumped my married lover, which hasn't worked out so well.  Put myself out into the dating world, which is a whole story in itself.  Allowed people to hurt me with their opinions and words, must love the pain.  Threw several pity parties, where I was the only guest.  I continue to isolate myself most of the time, and wonder why I am so sick and tired of my life, which is pretty much nonexistent.

So let me see what I can do about all this.  My lover is still in my life, wasn't strong enough to end it once and for all.  His space is not as big as it once was and is getting smaller each and every day that I have no contact with him.  Even after I see him it is not as devastating when he leaves and I don't hear from him for days at a time.  Actually I feel kind of sorry for him.  But that's not my problem to deal with.  I need to deal with ME.  This  free space has provided me with the opportunity to get back out there and find the man for me.  So what I did wrong in this choice was allow him to stay in my life.  What I did right was put it in better perspective.  I told him I was going to start seeing other people and I have.

Thus I entered back into the dating game, and "game" it is.  I don't know why I, after all I am an intelligent woman, am so stupid when it comes to these ridiculous dating sites.  Just because I try to be truthful and open, I somehow forget that not all people are the same.  Did you know there are men on these sites that actually say they are looking for a relationship and in fact are only looking for a booty call?  Did you know they will lie to you and represent themselves to be something they totally are NOT?  Am I aware that this goes on?  YES!!  But do I get sucked in?  YES!!  What the hell am I thinking?  I think I'm taking it slow and easy and watching for red flags.  I back off and push the delete button when things feel out of whack.  I love the power of "poof" be gone when deleting a contact who has shown his true colors.  But they still sneak in.  Mindless, apparently having no conscience whatsoever, men who prey on lonely, trusting women.  Even after spending hours, days and weeks conversing, first online, then texting and finally phone calls when you finally meet, you still have NO clue who they are!!  It's easy at first to weed out the booty call men.  The screw it up pretty quickly by asking 3 minutes into the conversation, "what are you wearing?" Or "what's your favorite position?"  For doing what?  Are you kidding me?  "Poof"...be gone. Awww that feeling of power for that brief moment! Then you get the ones that last a little bit longer. They will talk to you about your job and where you have lived.  Ask about your children and your day and even the weather.  Then it comes, "So you want to meet at your place and watch a movie?"  No you cheap ass, take me on a date, out in public where I don't have to wrestle with you on the couch for my virtue!!  Well that's what goes through my head at least.  But because I didn't say that they continue putting their foot in their mouths by saying something like, "bet you are a great kisser and did I tell you I love boobs?" Yeah like I am gonna ask you over.  That's the ones you quit taking calls from and hide the fact that you still have an account.  Something else that works on scaring them away is to say something like, "you sound like my next husband!"  Then they block you and change their number.  But occasionally  you find one that you intuition, hours of conversation and curiosity leads you to believe could genuinely be a nice guy who maybe really is looking for a relationship.  These are ones too that usually like you and you feel very little for them (but again that's another chapter).  So you meet up.  And maybe it's good and maybe not so good and maybe just okay. And that's where my problem is!!  No matter which way it goes I ALWAYS feel responsible for any negative things.  If it goes good and we both seem to enjoy it I always seem to have wishes like;  I wish he were taller, I wish he kissed better, I wish he would have held my hand, etc.  And if I have enjoyed and think he did to and he doesn't get back to me in short order, it's like what did I do or didn't I do?  He doesn't like me, why? When it's like the date from hell that will never end I just hang in there.  What for? I know it's not going anywhere but I don't want to hurt this guys feelings, even though he has lied about everything, including his name and the ugly truth is staring me right in the face, literally, yet I play nice. No wonder I am so frustrated!!  Yup I'm still waiting for that knight in shiny armor to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from my "oh poor me, how I've suffered, no one will ever love me again life"...I am so angry with myself!!!  Come on old girl....just how desperate are you??  So what I do wrong has got to be trusting the wrong people and not being more selective (although I thought I was) in who I date.  I know there has to be a better way to meet people, but I don't know how.  So what did I do right?  I don't see a single thing I did right.  Oh wait...yes I do...I don't give away free samples....LOL!!

Well after the tirade of the "dating games" I'm too tired to get into the other areas, so will save them for another time.  I'm going to keep believing there is a sensitive, loving, caring may who is not perfect but perfect for me just out of my sight and that one day he will move close enough for us to catch a glimpse of each other and we will clasp our hands together to lead each other into the sunset.  This is my life, my adventure and I will continue to live it my way and embellish it with my fantasy ending.  Keep loving who you love and fighting for your dreams and hold on tight to all that's precious to you.