This Is Not My Way

Ever feel like you cannot endure one more moment of your life as it is? Ever wish you could just vanish into thin air? Ever cry so hard that you think you might implode? Ever wish you were someone else, anyone other than the hurting mess you are? Ever feel like life is waiting to knock you down for the very last time? Ever feel that no matter what you do it's not right? Ever feel that you are just never good enough? Ever just want to give up?

Yep, that's precisely were I am today, at this very moment. To be honest I don't know how I am still sitting here working on this blog. What I want to do is scream to the top of my lungs, shake some people until some sense enters their brain and announce to the entire world that I MATTER!! But first I have to convince myself of that little detail. Yes I've been in this exact spot before, yes I am continuing to work with a therapist on this issue, yes I am sick and tired of it! I think I have it conquered and along comes some event, some person, some hidden memory that throws me headlong into the worthless heap I am right now. 

At times I truly wish I didn't give one shit what anyone thinks about me.  I wish I could escape loving anyone. I wish I didn't give a hoot about right or wrong and just did whatever the hell makes me feel good at any given moment! I know people like that and they seem to be happy or oblivious or just completely unaware or uncaring about anyone around them. At any rate they seem to worry about nothing. They enjoy their life and I continue to struggle.  What the hell am I doing wrong? 


Why do I have to have a heart that is made of glass and why do the people I let in have such good aim? My heart gets shattered every time. You think I would learn, you would think I would be a recluse and just give up. If only it were that easy.  

Today I am not living my life my way...today I am broken and hurt and wondering where I go from here. I have been asked to be patient, I have been asked to trust and I want to, but I'm scared, very scared! One more rejection, one more loss, one more and I just don't know.....

I Can't Ignore the Struggles

Struggling today, several days actually. Very glad I have therapy tomorrow. Can't find reason, can't find clarity, can't stop the words tumbling around in my head. The words are negatives, lies and hurtful. They grow in strength and magnitude. They bite at my peace and threaten to ruin my resolve. They make me question every truth I have come to believe. They diminish my worth and are challenging my very existence. 

Not only am I fighting my own demons I find myself overwhelmingly involved in battles that are not mine to fight. Wars that are none of my concern nor of my making. Totally outside my circle of influence. 

Inner turmoil, that is fueled by my ever increasing self doubt, is causing me to look not forward, but over my shoulder and way back into the past.  A past long ago closed. A past unchangeable by any means. A past of pain, weakness and sorrow. I don't want to dwell there and for the most part I don't. For some reason it is haunting me again, revisiting my conscientiousness and stirring emotions that are tearing my heart apart. My head knows it's all a trick. My brain tries to get my attention to shift. My heart begins to panic. It constricts with pain and sends doubt flooding into my thoughts. The tears begin to flow.  The questions consume my every fiber. The enormous dark shadows hide the sunlight and I am alone, destined to remain as such. 

My mind is screaming! You aren't good enough, you have never been good enough, you are so close but just not quite there, nice but not nice enough, there is someone just a little better than you. Someone a little smarter, a little classier, a little thinner, a little pretty always a little something more. 

I have blown all this out of proportion. It can't possibly be as bad as it sounds, yet if feels worse than it sounds. I take what is said to me and I hold it under the microscope and find every possible way to make it come out as harsh and hurtful as I can. I prepare myself for the worse case scenario.  And then I remember, I take stock of every other hurt, every other circumstance where I have been taken for granted and abused and left and used and I know that this will be no different. The rose glasses that usually sit on on nose are laying in pieces, smashed by reality.

I'm scared, scared to count on anyone. I hate the fact that I want to rely on someone so badly, that I want someone to be there for me, to love me, to want to share life with me. Why can't I just be content with who I am. Guess I'm not even good enough for myself, isn't that ironic? I don't know how to take care of me. Must take care of everyone else can't take care of herself.

But I do know that I have set boundaries for myself that are not negotiable. I do KNOW that I will NOT harm myself. I do KNOW that I will get through this, just like always. I KNOW I have come way too far and have the ability and strength to keep moving forward whatever jumps in my path trying to deter me from whatever good lies before me. I want that good life again. I know it's out there and I'll have it again...and I'll have it my way.

Yes I am struggling right now, I expect on some level I always will, but somewhere out there is a person who will be willing to hold me and lend me some strength and never condemn me for doing so. I think this very moment I have come to realize that it's all apart of who I am, maybe it's time I accept that part of me?

Pull It Together

I am still here in PA.  I am having a really nice time.  Yet I am down?  I feel like something is missing. Why?

As of today David and I have been seeing each other for 2 months. Still getting to know one another. No red flags, no obstacles, no deal breaking behaviors. Nice. Safe. Easy. I enjoy his company, he seems to enjoy mine.  We laugh, talk, hold hands and our silences are not awkward. It is fabulous to go to bed together and wake up together. He is a snuggler just like me!  He is kind, giving and considerate. He is intelligent and very logical. He tells me how sweet and kind I am and how much I spoil him. He always asks me where I want to go and what I want to do. He is a planner and a bit obsessive/compulsive but that is not always a bad thing. We really are opposites but it has not presented any problems. Not outwardly at any rate.  

I am feeling a bit stifled. Even though he seems to enjoy my sense of adventure and my excitement over little things I find myself wondering if I'm a little to silly for him.  He is much more reserved than I. My zest for life and enjoyment of traveling and seeing new things, experiencing new places takes over and my awe and wonder spill out! I don't want to change who I am. He's not said anything to lead me to think he objects, it's just a feeling I have. I wonder if he is just too kind to let me know that he finds me immature and silly. He said I brighten up his life a lot.  Why can't I accept that he meant it? 

I am hoping I am just experiencing a little homesickness and that I am not seeing clearly. Part of me feels that I am borrowing trouble where there is none. It's like it all too good to be true. I'm afraid to believe that it's all good. Where's the but? I tell myself, "Judi!  What the hell is wrong with you?"  I'm here in PA with a man that seems to thoroughly enjoy being with me, treats me very well, holds my hand in public, holds me at night, thanks me for everything I do for him, talks about the future with me in it and tells me how great I am.  And I'm looking for flaws? I'm waiting for it to all fall apart. I'm looking for an ulterior motive. Oh I hate this...!!  

Maybe by writing this all down it will help clarify my thoughts a little.  I feel better seeing some of David's positive points, of which he has many! I need to quit looking for promises and happy endings and live for today, today that is sweet and fun and filled with enjoyment. I KNOW that there is no promise of tomorrow, no promise of smooth sailing, no promise of undying love. I know there is not always over the moon connections and fireworks filled skies. I also know that life is good, as good as you make it. My life is good and I will make the absolute best of it!! Feeling down is a bump in the road and I will deal with it. After all it is the first day in 2 months that have felt like this, that is a great thing! Moving forward, even slowly, is better than going backward or even standing still.  Life is good, live it as such!!!

Seeing Clearer

Getting away from everyday life is such a breath of fresh air.  Seeing things from a distance and being away from home brings a new perspective. A break from the mundane brings a newness, a uniqueness and a certain joy to my being. It brings hope and life to my dreams and to my plans for a future.

Sometimes when I am in the same place for long periods of time I find myself thinking there is nothing more.  Things stay the same, become stale and the status quo is all there is.  Nothing to look forward to, nothing new to feel or see.  Being in a rut with no way out. Hopelessness in the form of sameness. 

Now that I am in PA and with someone who shows affection, consideration and interest I see things magnified. Being with someone who puts my interest, my needs and my happiness first is almost overwhelming.  I have to keep pinching myself. Is this what I have been missing, is this for real, is this what it is supposed to feel like? We can talk about anything and everything.  Compliments are so very nice! Holding hands everywhere we go! Even just sitting together while doing our own thing is so satisfying. He has time to text me during his work day. He wants me here next to him every spare minute.  He finds me interesting and wants to know more about me. He likes the little things about me that make me who I am. We have a mutual admiration for each other, and the desire to make the other happy. We have respect and value each other as a person.

I wish I could say my heart doesn't give me some grief and that my thoughts don't stray where they don't belong. For it takes time to get over somethings. Especially things that go on for a long period of time. Things that are deeply embedded in your heart. Even though those things are hurtful they served a purpose at one time.  Accepting that they are over is a process. I feel in total control over that process and know that it is over and one day it will be completely out of my system. I will be able to look back and say with all certainty that it was good for a time, it was best ended and that NEVER again will I settle for less than I deserve. NEVER again will I love someone who only takes and NEVER again will I waste valuable time on someone who does not want the same things I do.

I have yet another chance for a committed relationship here at my fingertips. For now we are enjoying being together, getting to know one another and figuring out how to work together to get the most out of our relationship.  We aren't pretending to be something we aren't or trying to make something happen between us that isn't there. Two intelligent adults who are looking for shared enjoyment, togetherness and commitment.  We bring out the best in each other. We are opposites in that I lead with my heart and he leads with his head.  Simply put, I will teach him to fly, he will teach me to touch down once in a while. He delights in my delight and I in his!

We are living life...together...and learning...together...and laughing...together...and we are loving it!!  Life IS good, especially when shared with someone special. Not only do I have someone special ..I am someone special!!!  Life is good...Live it as such!!!!

Waiting

You know, I have come to realize that I am not very good at waiting for most things.

Good things come to those who wait? Yes they may come, but the agony of waiting makes it come so slowly!! Prolonging the gratification is hard. I find I whine, I sigh, I piddle, and I piss and moan. I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing the number of days, hours and minutes before my next adventure! I count down in sleeps, because when my kids were little that's what we used for them.  Christmas will be here in 15 more sleeps, we would tell them.

I am trying to contain my excitement, but not much! I have big hopes for this trip and my dear friend pointed out she hopes I am not disappointed. I suppose that is a possibility, but as always I have on my rose colored glasses and can see nothing but promise ahead of me. After such a long wait I cannot even begin to think it will be nothing but a great experience! 

Go into any new experience expecting the best, but prepared for the unexpected. Mmmmm that's an interesting phrase. I am going on this trip expecting to expand on a new relationship. We met, we like each other and we want to get to know each other better. We both hope a deeper relationship is the result. We know what we are looking for in a partner and are both expecting to have a wonderful time! So how would I prepare for the unexpected? I already have my return flight booked. Worse case scenario I come home early.? I don't foresee that but if that's being prepared then I'm prepared. I am just one of those people that expect the best and if the worse happens then I muddle through. 

Whatever happens happens. If I have learned nothing else in this life it is that I cannot control anything but myself. And at times I am not very good at that. But life is going to happen, and I'm going to make it through and make the most out of it. I am going to go on this trip, be myself, enjoy myself to the fullest and make great memories with a man that I not only like, but that has shown me generous interest and a desire to form a lasting relationship. Yes, we have moved rather fast, but you know...we aren't spring chickens and we are both intelligent people with no other ties so why not jump in and see what happens? We are already friends and enjoy each others company so if we stay just friends that's okay too.

You see, it is my life and I can never have too many friends in my life. I need people to care about and love and make memories with. I'm living my life for me. And I only have to wait 3 more sleeps to begin yet another adventure!!!   

Ooops I Got Distracted

Some of those beautiful things in life that I was speaking about in my last blog distracted me from completing it!

Being totally consumed with my upcoming trip to PA and trying desperately to keep myself busy I jumped at the chance to go out with a great friend and totally forgot to finish my thoughts.  When I came back from my outing I assure you writing more would probably not have been a good thing as I don't have a breathalyzer on my  laptop, and boy do I need one sometimes!  The next morning, without much thought, I simply clicked publish not even realizing I hadn't finished writing.  So, now that I have reread what I was trying to say is I am so glad that I do have so much beauty in my life.  That the beauty does in fact shine and the ugly negativity is taking a back seat to much more positive things in my life. 

It's a shame that so many of us take the everyday beauty in our lives for granted.  I had a friend one time that said she never had seen a miracle.  I guess it all depends on what we consider miracles to be. Whenever I see a newborn baby, a gorgeous sunrise, a couple in love, the beauty of friendship, the changing seasons, a smile from a stranger or even hear a song I love it brings thoughts of miracles to my mind.  To me miracles are those little things that bring joy into my heart, pleasant memories to my mind, and smiles to my senses.  Things that remind me how wonderful it is to be alive, well, happy and have the ability to love and care and give.

Yes at times I see far too clearly the negative things in my life, but if I step back, take a deep breath, turn my focus to the beauty I know is there I realize, a lot quicker than I used to, that life is so very good. I know that I am blessed with so many good things in my life.  I am learning that I deserve these good things. I am learning to enjoy them and embrace them!  I know life has many more good things in store for me, and I'll not hide from them, but will open my eyes and my heart and accept it all.

My life is filled with good, with beauty and joy.  I am happier today than I have been in a long time and I know that it's only to get better. This is my life, and I am going to live it!!

There Is Always Beauty

Why is that at times, even when things are looking up in life, I continue to look at the negative?  Why does the negative loom larger that the positive?  How do I reverse this?

I am so excited about my trip I can hardly contain myself!  I have done a lot of packing and preparing. I have figured out my budget. I talk to David daily and we talk about out plans endlessly. I have been keeping myself busy, or at least trying to. And yet I find time to mull over stupid little things that bring me down. Things I have no control over, people I have no control over and relationships that I am not sure of. 

Then I saw this......

So now again I need to focus on what's beautiful in my life. I am so very grateful that I have my health, especially when I know I have dear friends who fight health issues.  I am quite active and pretty proud of what I am able to do physically. I have gorgeous talented children and grandchildren, and even though I sometimes worry about them, I am blessed! I have a host of friends and family that love me and care about me, so why do I think about the ones that don't. I have an apartment that I love and can afford, so why waste my time wanting more.