My entire trip has been much different than I had envisioned. I have come to see in the grand scheme of things I am merely a ripple in the grand sea of life. Ripples don't necessarily make changes in the water the way waves do. They simply move on through the water to their destination. Often unnoticed these ripples sometimes carry bits and pieces of life remnants with them. It's not until these ripples join together at the end of a journey can one see the beauty each experience has contributed to the adventure of life.
My adventures are far from over and I hope that the truths I have discovered on this leg of my journey will serve me well. To remind me how precious my loved ones are to me, how important it is to show kindness and consideration in words and deed, and how to share the enormous love I have in my heart and soul. Not everyone is accepting, not everyone is capable, and certainly not everyone wants to be embraced by light in the same manner that's what makes us unique.
As I move forward in my life it is my hope that those I come in contact with get a sense of how much I love and care about them. I may not change their lives like a crashing wave but I hope my ripples enhance their life experiences.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Happy 25th Anniversary Matthew
How is it possible that Matthew has been gone for 5 years? The time has flew at times and dragged at other times. The memories are still crystal clear and strong. The pain has faded but still comes, especially with special occasions. This year would have brought our silver anniversary. An anniversary that had looked forward to and talked about and made plans for.
It's funny how my sub conscience knew before my mind grasped the fact that our anniversary was coming. For days I had felt out of sorts and emotional, then it dawned on me...
I find solace in writing to Matthew. I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts hoping my words find their way to a heart that needs to read them. I have faith that my dear sweet Matthew sees them and they make his heart smile as thoughts of him certainly make my heart smile. I wrote this message to my dear husband this morning.
Oh Matthew, the last few days a flood of memories have replayed through my mind. Twenty five years! Today we would have been married 25years! Our Silver Wedding Anniversary was to be such a special occasion. We had Hawaii in out sights remember. We talked about our children pooling together and sending us off in grand style, okay, I'm sure that part was a stretch, but nonetheless our plans included a romantic Hawaiian getaway.
Our plans.....my how things change. Our plans were to grow old together, to travel the country and visit our children and grandchildren as much as we wanted, to nap any time we wanted and to love each other forever.
This morning as remember you I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I can't help but mourn the fact that our story never had the fairy tale ending that we dreamed of. But our story isn't over. Our love story lives on in what we leave behind. We created life together, we created memories together and we created a legacy for those we love and care about.
When I look at our children I see you. I remember your proud loving face as you instantly fell in love with our sons. I remember you lovingly caring for them. I remember you cradling David as we walked the floor, both of us crying, when he suffered with night terrors. I remember your vigilance when we had to do blood sugars on Daniel all through the night. I remember all the selfless sacrifices you made for our family Matthew.
I was incredibly fortunate to have had you as my husband Beebers! The unconditional love you showered me with was an amazing gift. You took a woman that had been badly bruised by the harshness of life and you showed her that love could indeed be beautiful. You taught me to trust again. I remember you asking me, "do you trust me?" And I did.
Happy Anniversary my special angel! 💜💖
I miss you Matthew, I miss what we had. I love you still, always will. At the end of the day our love story was as it was supposed to be.
It's funny how my sub conscience knew before my mind grasped the fact that our anniversary was coming. For days I had felt out of sorts and emotional, then it dawned on me...
I find solace in writing to Matthew. I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts hoping my words find their way to a heart that needs to read them. I have faith that my dear sweet Matthew sees them and they make his heart smile as thoughts of him certainly make my heart smile. I wrote this message to my dear husband this morning.
Oh Matthew, the last few days a flood of memories have replayed through my mind. Twenty five years! Today we would have been married 25years! Our Silver Wedding Anniversary was to be such a special occasion. We had Hawaii in out sights remember. We talked about our children pooling together and sending us off in grand style, okay, I'm sure that part was a stretch, but nonetheless our plans included a romantic Hawaiian getaway.
Our plans.....my how things change. Our plans were to grow old together, to travel the country and visit our children and grandchildren as much as we wanted, to nap any time we wanted and to love each other forever.
This morning as remember you I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I can't help but mourn the fact that our story never had the fairy tale ending that we dreamed of. But our story isn't over. Our love story lives on in what we leave behind. We created life together, we created memories together and we created a legacy for those we love and care about.
When I look at our children I see you. I remember your proud loving face as you instantly fell in love with our sons. I remember you lovingly caring for them. I remember you cradling David as we walked the floor, both of us crying, when he suffered with night terrors. I remember your vigilance when we had to do blood sugars on Daniel all through the night. I remember all the selfless sacrifices you made for our family Matthew.
I was incredibly fortunate to have had you as my husband Beebers! The unconditional love you showered me with was an amazing gift. You took a woman that had been badly bruised by the harshness of life and you showed her that love could indeed be beautiful. You taught me to trust again. I remember you asking me, "do you trust me?" And I did.
Happy Anniversary my special angel! 💜💖
I miss you Matthew, I miss what we had. I love you still, always will. At the end of the day our love story was as it was supposed to be.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Today Is A New Day
As I sit here this morning along side my sweet David I am reminded of simple things. Simple things we often take for granted. Simple things that might sound dull or boring to others when shared. I love the simple things with him. Even the simple things are comforting and exciting at the same time. Right now we are both on our laptops, he is reading articles to help me better understand my new chrome book and android and I am writing about him. Both pursuing our interests but sharing the same space. Just being next to him makes everything sweeter. Looking up and watching him scroll through the articles he is browsing makes me smile. Reaching out and touching his hand brings such pleasure. Talking quietly about technology is rewarding to my heart. Even when silent we are sharing our existence. We are both very aware of the other. We have both come to the conclusion that our world is a better place with the other being a part of it. The feeling of awe in my spirit makes me giddy. The completeness I feel with him next to me is indescribable. How did I get so lucky?
Everyday is special because we experience things anew! What do I mean by that? When I got up this morning, as I do every morning, it was the first time I ever woke up on this date, Tuesday July 7, 2015. It's the first time I lived on this date and in essences every single thing I do today will be new to this day! So if I don't take things for granted everything can be new and exciting! I can see things with new eyes. Experience things from a new prospective and appreciate things I didn't appreciate yesterday.
I am excited that I get to spend several days with my wonderful man and I can tell you, I plan to make the most of it. I plan to be appreciative of him and his kindnesses, I plan to show kindness and love at every opportunity. I plan to make sweet memories and enjoy every moment we share. It is the first time we have shared THIS day together. I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to show him how special and important he is to me. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with him. And I am extremely lucky to have him in my life!! And you know what? He is extremely lucky to have me too! We are a good fit and balance each other out very well. We are beyond lucky to have found each other and we both are very aware of that fact! We reached an agreement early on in our relationship that I would teach him to fly and he would teach me to touch down safely. And that works for us.
Today I will live my life to the fullest and I will share my dreams and love with this wonderful man! Life is so good and I am so happy that I get to live it with David by my side. I am happy to share him with my family and friends. I am flying high and know that when I'm ready to land I will be safely directed in for a smooth landing by my rock of a man! Life is good...live it and love it!!!!
Everyday is special because we experience things anew! What do I mean by that? When I got up this morning, as I do every morning, it was the first time I ever woke up on this date, Tuesday July 7, 2015. It's the first time I lived on this date and in essences every single thing I do today will be new to this day! So if I don't take things for granted everything can be new and exciting! I can see things with new eyes. Experience things from a new prospective and appreciate things I didn't appreciate yesterday.
I am excited that I get to spend several days with my wonderful man and I can tell you, I plan to make the most of it. I plan to be appreciative of him and his kindnesses, I plan to show kindness and love at every opportunity. I plan to make sweet memories and enjoy every moment we share. It is the first time we have shared THIS day together. I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to show him how special and important he is to me. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with him. And I am extremely lucky to have him in my life!! And you know what? He is extremely lucky to have me too! We are a good fit and balance each other out very well. We are beyond lucky to have found each other and we both are very aware of that fact! We reached an agreement early on in our relationship that I would teach him to fly and he would teach me to touch down safely. And that works for us.
Today I will live my life to the fullest and I will share my dreams and love with this wonderful man! Life is so good and I am so happy that I get to live it with David by my side. I am happy to share him with my family and friends. I am flying high and know that when I'm ready to land I will be safely directed in for a smooth landing by my rock of a man! Life is good...live it and love it!!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Owning Up
Today I am thinking about people in general and our inability to own up to our shortcomings and mistakes.
We are so quick to place blame and make excuses for our actions. We readily see the flaws in others and have very little compassion for the transgressions of others, even when we have been in the exact same place.
I wonder how we can look into the mirror at our own reflection and take ourselves so seriously knowing who we really are?
Most of know we are not perfect. Most of us accept that we have made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes, bad choices and exercise poor judgement. A lot, if not all of us, minimize this. Many of us sit in judgement of those we see struggling to get through life with some dignity, muddling through mistakes and mishaps. When we remember we have struggled, we have made mistakes, and we are far from perfect we can soften our heart and find compassion. If we constantly place blame and find fault with everyone but ourselves however, peace will indeed be illusive.
Particularly in a relationship, be it a romantic, friendship, co workers or even neighbors, finger pointing, and blame placing are such negative aspects that the relationship can be totally ripped apart and repair can be difficult if not impossible. All because of that mentality of "what you did was so much worse than what I did". Own it! For crying out loud we cannot run away from our responsibility of self. Others see and know we are not perfect, why can we not accept that ourselves? Bitterness and unhappiness are killers of joy and peace. Looking for others to blame for your circumstances and failures will eat you alive.
In short I want to accept my shortcomings, strive to be a better person and love myself. I want to not be judgmental and know when to walk away from toxic relationships. I want to care without being taken advantage of. I want to go to bed at night thinking, "I have enjoyed my life today and I did it my way without judgement and I'm happy".
I have finally realize that indeed all things have a season and sometimes things end and its okay. Other things move into our lives and bring new ideas, situations and experiences. Moving forward often is painful, but it is so very rewarding.
The first step in any journey is knowing where we want to go and who we want to be. We must own our feelings and our mistakes. That's how we grown. We need to like what we see in the mirror. If we don't like what we see in our own skin it will be very hard to like anyone else.
I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. I have come to have a respect for myself that I never had before. I like it. I like feeling a little more in control of my feelings, my future. I am truly living my life my way and I am loving it!
We are so quick to place blame and make excuses for our actions. We readily see the flaws in others and have very little compassion for the transgressions of others, even when we have been in the exact same place.
I wonder how we can look into the mirror at our own reflection and take ourselves so seriously knowing who we really are?
Most of know we are not perfect. Most of us accept that we have made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes, bad choices and exercise poor judgement. A lot, if not all of us, minimize this. Many of us sit in judgement of those we see struggling to get through life with some dignity, muddling through mistakes and mishaps. When we remember we have struggled, we have made mistakes, and we are far from perfect we can soften our heart and find compassion. If we constantly place blame and find fault with everyone but ourselves however, peace will indeed be illusive.
Particularly in a relationship, be it a romantic, friendship, co workers or even neighbors, finger pointing, and blame placing are such negative aspects that the relationship can be totally ripped apart and repair can be difficult if not impossible. All because of that mentality of "what you did was so much worse than what I did". Own it! For crying out loud we cannot run away from our responsibility of self. Others see and know we are not perfect, why can we not accept that ourselves? Bitterness and unhappiness are killers of joy and peace. Looking for others to blame for your circumstances and failures will eat you alive.
In short I want to accept my shortcomings, strive to be a better person and love myself. I want to not be judgmental and know when to walk away from toxic relationships. I want to care without being taken advantage of. I want to go to bed at night thinking, "I have enjoyed my life today and I did it my way without judgement and I'm happy".
I have finally realize that indeed all things have a season and sometimes things end and its okay. Other things move into our lives and bring new ideas, situations and experiences. Moving forward often is painful, but it is so very rewarding.
The first step in any journey is knowing where we want to go and who we want to be. We must own our feelings and our mistakes. That's how we grown. We need to like what we see in the mirror. If we don't like what we see in our own skin it will be very hard to like anyone else.
I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. I have come to have a respect for myself that I never had before. I like it. I like feeling a little more in control of my feelings, my future. I am truly living my life my way and I am loving it!
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Change Is Not Always Bad
It has been quite some time since I last blogged. Again no specific reason. Life happens and I get side tracked and put it off. Before I know it months have passed. I have thought of writing many times and am sorry I didn't as lots has been going on with me. Lots of changes, lots of paradigm shifts, lots of life.
I suddenly realize I have a new sense of myself. New priorities, new goals and interests and an urgency for change. They say if you aren't happy things need to change and change can be a very scary thing. Especially when you change and those around you don't. I am no longer content to stand still and let life dictate to me. I want to shake up my life, take control and change for the better. This may lead to changing many things in my life. As my interest change I am no longer happy doing some of the things I used to do. I am happier alone than being with people I find less and less in common with and doing things that no longer bring me pleasure.
I have heard it said many times that some things are just for a season or two and when it's time to move on we know it. I have spent several very long seasons unhappy and not knowing it. I have always been a care taker and now that I have no one to care for it has become apparent that I need to care for ME. I don't need anyone's approval to change and make myself my priority. And if the people in my life don't like the changes I have decided to make I think that season has come to an end. There is so much more to life than I have experienced, so many things I want to experience and roads I want to travel. As humans we tend to limit ourselves. Be it fear or lack of imagination or commitments we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with, we give up and stay stuck in life's demands and forget who we are and what we want.
I may not know exactly what it is I want at this very moment but I do know this isn't it. I'm so tired of excuses and complaining and wallowing. I'm so tired of this nothingness in my mind. This endless desire to do SOMETHING new, something challenging, something out of the ordinary.
I know I have changed a lot in the past months. I know some of my friends and family are wondering what's going on and why I've changed. It's not a bad thing. It's not them. It's simply me trying to emerge from the ashes and become independent, stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. I no longer carry the worries of all those around me. It's not that I am not compassionate, I always will be, it's just that I have finally seen people so consumed with the woes of others they can hardly function for themselves. People so fearful of everyday life that they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures for worrying about what "might" happen. Life is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest, not dreaded, not placed on a shelf and admired, not put off until we get around it to but lived, and enjoyed and shared with those who have similar interest.
Being the heart lead person I have always been for far too long now I have let my heart blindly lead me astray. I have found a balance between my head and heart the past few months that I was not even sure existed before. Oh believe me when I say my heart and my head have battled more than once over this, and I do slip back into one-sided thinking more often than I care to admit, but I am making headway. I am happy with the direction I am moving. After all I'm moving in the right direction. Not going backward, and no longer standing still, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Baby steps, little mistakes, bruised feelings and days of uncertainty are a part of my journey but at the end of the day I see progress and that makes me happy.
I am head over heels in love with David. There isn't much I would not do for him. But for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to look ahead and say, "If this doesn't work out, I will not die. I will simply move ahead and find happiness on my own." I know it's much easier said than done. But I have to look where I've already been. I have to recognize what I have survived already. I have already learned to do much more by myself than I ever wanted to do. But I'm tired of being disappointed and I am working very hard on not disappointing myself. I no longer want to depend on others for my happiness. I know huh? Sounds like a grown up writing this! I know some of you are saying "I told her this before" and yes some of you did, but you know yourself self realization is what works. But thanks for trying.
Ultimately I have to say this is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it right now. I'm living my way because it's MY life!!
I suddenly realize I have a new sense of myself. New priorities, new goals and interests and an urgency for change. They say if you aren't happy things need to change and change can be a very scary thing. Especially when you change and those around you don't. I am no longer content to stand still and let life dictate to me. I want to shake up my life, take control and change for the better. This may lead to changing many things in my life. As my interest change I am no longer happy doing some of the things I used to do. I am happier alone than being with people I find less and less in common with and doing things that no longer bring me pleasure.
I have heard it said many times that some things are just for a season or two and when it's time to move on we know it. I have spent several very long seasons unhappy and not knowing it. I have always been a care taker and now that I have no one to care for it has become apparent that I need to care for ME. I don't need anyone's approval to change and make myself my priority. And if the people in my life don't like the changes I have decided to make I think that season has come to an end. There is so much more to life than I have experienced, so many things I want to experience and roads I want to travel. As humans we tend to limit ourselves. Be it fear or lack of imagination or commitments we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with, we give up and stay stuck in life's demands and forget who we are and what we want.
I may not know exactly what it is I want at this very moment but I do know this isn't it. I'm so tired of excuses and complaining and wallowing. I'm so tired of this nothingness in my mind. This endless desire to do SOMETHING new, something challenging, something out of the ordinary.
I know I have changed a lot in the past months. I know some of my friends and family are wondering what's going on and why I've changed. It's not a bad thing. It's not them. It's simply me trying to emerge from the ashes and become independent, stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. I no longer carry the worries of all those around me. It's not that I am not compassionate, I always will be, it's just that I have finally seen people so consumed with the woes of others they can hardly function for themselves. People so fearful of everyday life that they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures for worrying about what "might" happen. Life is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest, not dreaded, not placed on a shelf and admired, not put off until we get around it to but lived, and enjoyed and shared with those who have similar interest.
Being the heart lead person I have always been for far too long now I have let my heart blindly lead me astray. I have found a balance between my head and heart the past few months that I was not even sure existed before. Oh believe me when I say my heart and my head have battled more than once over this, and I do slip back into one-sided thinking more often than I care to admit, but I am making headway. I am happy with the direction I am moving. After all I'm moving in the right direction. Not going backward, and no longer standing still, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Baby steps, little mistakes, bruised feelings and days of uncertainty are a part of my journey but at the end of the day I see progress and that makes me happy.
I am head over heels in love with David. There isn't much I would not do for him. But for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to look ahead and say, "If this doesn't work out, I will not die. I will simply move ahead and find happiness on my own." I know it's much easier said than done. But I have to look where I've already been. I have to recognize what I have survived already. I have already learned to do much more by myself than I ever wanted to do. But I'm tired of being disappointed and I am working very hard on not disappointing myself. I no longer want to depend on others for my happiness. I know huh? Sounds like a grown up writing this! I know some of you are saying "I told her this before" and yes some of you did, but you know yourself self realization is what works. But thanks for trying.
Ultimately I have to say this is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it right now. I'm living my way because it's MY life!!
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Challenge Before Me
I haven't blogged in a while. Not sure why that is but today I feel the need to write. Write about what I'm not sure. I am feeling impatient and anxious about life. I want life to hurry up and happen! That sounds crazy even to me.
That old saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" somehow has a deeper meaning for me right now. I want to grab life, shake it up and "LIVE"! I am tired of letting life "happen". I want to MAKE it happen! I want to find enjoyment, kick my heels up and live, love and laugh until I just can't do it anymore!! I'm tired of sitting still! Tired of being in one place and always wanting more! I have put myself on the back burner for a long time, it's time to make myself my priority! Not sure I know how to do that.
I never thought of myself as a selfish person and worked hard not to be. Why? People love and care about me but I have to face that fact that I am no ones priority. When I sacrifice I do so of my own accord and am usually okay with it. Who sacrifices for me? Who puts me first? Guess I am feeling pretty selfish or at least self-centered today. But that's okay. I do understand that people have families, significant others, jobs and other of life's demands to focus on instead of me. I don't expect the world to stop because I'm feeling lonely, or down or anxious, although I admit it would be nice once in a while. I know that only I can be there for me 100% of the time. I'm not very good at it.
Where in the hell am I going with all this? LOL I wish I knew. I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to find it because I don't know what it is! It's as if I am blindfolded in some desolate place looking for something, and I don't where I am or what I'm searching for. Stumbling along blindly, bumping into obstacles, stubbing my toes, falling down, reaching out to the unknown. You see I've lost my rose colored glasses and when subjected to the harsh realities I close my eyes. But, I've not given up. I just need to determine the direction I want to move in and get off my ass and move!
Why do I allow myself to feel like I am intruding on other peoples lives? Like I don't belong there? Why do I feel so insignificant? What do I expect people to do? Why is it so hard for me to tell people what I need from them? Why must I need anything for anyone? Why can't I be self-validating?
I come up with these grand plans in my head to be more self sufficient only to find myself craving attention, company, validation from others, at which point I simply withdraw. Why do I feel so needy? People tell my how strong I am. I don't always feel strong. I don't always want to be strong. I don't want to always make my own decisions, I don't always want to be in charge of my life. But I know I have to be. It's a very difficult transition to go from being a wife and having a family to being a single...a one....alone! I hate it! I hate not having someone to care for. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being the fifth wheel. I hate the tears.
So I find myself feeling alone, lonely, detached, insignificant and wanting. I am in love with a man who I'm not sure is up to dealing with my needs. I need to figure this out. I need to deal with it head on. I need to put my life in order to please ME, meet MY needs and live the way I want to live. It is my life, do I want to live it my way and enjoy it my way or am I going to continue to wallow and be used and walk around blind?
Looks like I have laid some challenges before me.
That old saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" somehow has a deeper meaning for me right now. I want to grab life, shake it up and "LIVE"! I am tired of letting life "happen". I want to MAKE it happen! I want to find enjoyment, kick my heels up and live, love and laugh until I just can't do it anymore!! I'm tired of sitting still! Tired of being in one place and always wanting more! I have put myself on the back burner for a long time, it's time to make myself my priority! Not sure I know how to do that.
I never thought of myself as a selfish person and worked hard not to be. Why? People love and care about me but I have to face that fact that I am no ones priority. When I sacrifice I do so of my own accord and am usually okay with it. Who sacrifices for me? Who puts me first? Guess I am feeling pretty selfish or at least self-centered today. But that's okay. I do understand that people have families, significant others, jobs and other of life's demands to focus on instead of me. I don't expect the world to stop because I'm feeling lonely, or down or anxious, although I admit it would be nice once in a while. I know that only I can be there for me 100% of the time. I'm not very good at it.
Where in the hell am I going with all this? LOL I wish I knew. I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to find it because I don't know what it is! It's as if I am blindfolded in some desolate place looking for something, and I don't where I am or what I'm searching for. Stumbling along blindly, bumping into obstacles, stubbing my toes, falling down, reaching out to the unknown. You see I've lost my rose colored glasses and when subjected to the harsh realities I close my eyes. But, I've not given up. I just need to determine the direction I want to move in and get off my ass and move!
Why do I allow myself to feel like I am intruding on other peoples lives? Like I don't belong there? Why do I feel so insignificant? What do I expect people to do? Why is it so hard for me to tell people what I need from them? Why must I need anything for anyone? Why can't I be self-validating?
I come up with these grand plans in my head to be more self sufficient only to find myself craving attention, company, validation from others, at which point I simply withdraw. Why do I feel so needy? People tell my how strong I am. I don't always feel strong. I don't always want to be strong. I don't want to always make my own decisions, I don't always want to be in charge of my life. But I know I have to be. It's a very difficult transition to go from being a wife and having a family to being a single...a one....alone! I hate it! I hate not having someone to care for. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being the fifth wheel. I hate the tears.
So I find myself feeling alone, lonely, detached, insignificant and wanting. I am in love with a man who I'm not sure is up to dealing with my needs. I need to figure this out. I need to deal with it head on. I need to put my life in order to please ME, meet MY needs and live the way I want to live. It is my life, do I want to live it my way and enjoy it my way or am I going to continue to wallow and be used and walk around blind?
Looks like I have laid some challenges before me.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
#5 Stop Thinking Too Much
It's alright to not know all the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste...it is also a terrible thing to abuse! At times I cannot seem to turn my mind off. It will race around taking random thoughts and turning them into absolute monsters! Simply thoughts take on a life of their own and become uncontrollable forms of despair, hurt and misery. When thoughts become negative obsessions it is time to STOP thinking!
Flights of fantasy are not, in and among themselves, harmful. I am prone to many adventures in my mind and heart. I can while away the hours wishing and hoping and envisioning my future. This can be a pleasant experience and can eat up time when I am bored or waiting for something to happen in my mundane life. I can play scenarios in my head and perhaps change a few things to make them more pleasant or closer to what I am hoping will happen. No harm in that right? Then it happens! My pleasurable thoughts slowly but surely distort and twist out of focus. I start, what I like to call, mind reading. This is rarely accurate and certainly not flattering to my self confidence. When I take things someone may have said and turn, and twist and dissect it I can make it mean something entirely different from those words. Chances are I KNOW exactly what they meant when they were said, why do I need to over think it?
I cannot sit here, rehash something that I know to be true, and change it while sitting here! No matter what my mind is telling me it changes NOTHING! My prospective may change, my understanding may change but the facts have not. So why do I think too much? Why do I allow my mind to keep looking for answers that I already know? Why do I need answers for the future? Why can I not accept what is today and let tomorrow take care of itself? Tomorrow is uncertain. Especially when it's someone else's tomorrow. I cannot be certain of my tomorrow, why do I need to think about someone's else's tomorrow?
I rob myself of joy by thinking so much. By trying to figure out answers to questions that have no direct effect on me, I question what I already know to be true, causing doubt and worry. I know that I am my own worst enemy. I question myself far too much, my instincts, my heart, my self worth. I know I need to learn to trust myself. I know that life has no guarantees. I know that my happiness depends on me, my attitude, my thoughts, my choices and my relationships that I put time, energy and effort into. I know that I need to limit stress and drama and negativity. I know that I need to demonstrate more strength and self control in dealing with these issues.
Today I have decided to stop thinking too much. I have decided to trust myself and my instincts. I have decided to stop worrying about making the wrong choices and limiting the stress and drama and negativity in my life. I am going to spend more time on me! I have taken a look around me and see that I allow other people and their issues to take up far too much space in my life and my thoughts. I allow their negativity to spill over into my own thinking. Just the other day a dear person in my life told me only I can be the person I know I am. This is true and it's time I am that person.
Today my life is not what I want it to and I am not the person I know I am but today I will be the best me I can be. Today I take back my peace and step out of the cycle of thinking too much, worrying about things out of my control and negative patterns and people. Today the answers are coming and I did not expect them!
This is my life, I will live it my way and be true to myself! No longer my worst enemy but my own best friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)