To Get Home I Must Travel Uphill

Whew!  This morning I woke up way too early for a Saturday so I decided to utilize the time and go for a long walk and do some really serious thinking about an man issue I am having.  You know exercise the body and the mind and solve my problems at one time!
 So I donned the work out clothing and off I went.  As I walked out of the building into the warm morning air I thought how quiet my little town is that early on a Saturday morning.  Walking downhill to the walking bridge I let my weight carry me forward effortlessly.  Crossing the bridge I saw the fish jumping after the morning bugs and immediately thought of Matthew, he so loved to fish.  Crossing into town I saw a man, obviously still a little intoxicated from the night before, stumble out of the parking lot looking a little perplexed, I'm thinking he is trying to remember last night.  I giggle to myself.
Enough, I think to myself, what are you going to do about your problem?  As I move down Main Street at a brisk pace I am annoyed that the mosquitoes are still out!  Who knew?  I was thinking that I was moving fast enough that they wouldn't bite me, but NO....they stick to the sweat and bite my forehead!  Damnit! 
I pass the VFW where a friend of ours had the bar years ago.  What fun we had there.  I see the Christmas lights up in the big tree and think about the tree lighting that takes place there each year.  I love my little town.  I move past the house where my boys friend used to live before she was killed in a tragic car accident, and I think of her family and friends having to live without her.  Shaking it off I am determined to think about my problems now, time to come up with a way to deal with them.
I turn on to Purner Street and a man with 2 dogs is coming up the street toward me.  Now anyone who knows me very well knows I am a little bit afraid of strange dogs, especially big ones.  These were big enough and looked to me like they may be sizing me up for breakfast.  So I stared straight ahead and kept moving, although a bit stiffer.  To my relief the man kept them in check and they passed without so much as sniffing me!  Again I crossed over the river and gazed out over the peaceful waters and thought about how lucky I am to live here.  A little bit farther down the road I notice a gazillion ants on the sidewalk.  If I hurry through them they won't have time to crawl up my leg and bite me...sure hope they don't stick to my socks...or sweat!  Made it, no ant attack!
I continue on noticing the squirrels and the little bunny foufous and the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, hey sounds like a song....but wait.  What about my problem, I am headed toward the home stretch and I haven't even come close to figuring out how to handle it.  I slow my pace as I pass the high school, knowing that now I have to go uphill to get back home.  Uphill, my least favorite part.  As I start my climb I realize that no matter which direction I come from, my house is uphill.  But to get where I can rest, where I am comfortable and want to be I must travel uphill.  Life is full of uphills, minor inconveniences, little hills and big mountains, life's major events.  I realize I have a huge smile on my face.  That wasn't there when I left earlier.  Walking around, being reminded of what's important, what I love about where I live, and NOT focusing on my problem was the best action.  I can deal with those later, what were they again?  That uphill battle is for another day another time.  To get home, we may have to travel uphill, to solve or problems we have to travel uphill, but eventually we will get there.
Life is good!!!!   Live it!!!!

Chasing Peace

The search for peace is long, perplexing and tiring!  It seems the more you seek it the more it eludes you.  Maybe I don't know what peace really is?  Maybe I have no clue what I am looking for?!
Sometimes when I am really bored I find myself asking, "Is the peace?"  Cause if it is...maybe I'm in the wrong place.  So right here and now perhaps I should define my idea of peace.....ummmmmm.
In my minds eye, and I have to be careful here, peace is living with others, exhibiting kindness and respect.  It is not having unwanted, heart breaking experiences every time you turn around.  Pleasant surprises are welcome however.  Peace is knowing that you are loved and cared about, feeling in control of your own destiny, and knowing what it is that brings you to the place of contentment.  Wow, having just read what I have written no wonder I am struggling with this pursuit.
I have a dear and beautiful friend that is so center,most of the time, forgive me friend.  I envy her sometimes, not included in finding peace 101.  She has shared with me ways to find my center and not depend on others to meet my needs.  And I know this is the key.  I know I need to self soothe so to speak.  I will never find true peace if I am at odds with myself.  Now comes the question I dread....am I at odds with myself.  Oh yeah....I sure am...lol.   Over many things, and most of the things are little insignificant things.  What to do about these things now that I realize I am my own problem....??
Starting with an inventory is a pretty good place to start.  What are some of the things that block my obtaining peace?  I would love to just say chaos and end it there...but it is NOT that simple...whose chaos?  MINE.
 I am not going to make my inventory here but I am going to sit down and take one.  It's like cleaning out my closet when things don't fit anymore.  I have things in my life that just don't fit my lifestyle any longer.  I need to get rid of them.  Things like guilt, what purpose does that serve?  Blocks my peace.  Things like wanting control over things I cannot control, blocks my peace.  I know I can only control myself.  Like wishing this or that were different, if I want them different change myself.  
My search for peace will continue until I succeed!  Why?  Because this is the rest of my life.  I want it to be good!  I want to live it!!

Sadness In The Midst Of Joy

I am very sad today to say that we lost another puppy last evening.  And the depth of sadness is so incrediably deep!  Not just for me but for my lovely daughter.  I think I hurt more for her than anyone.  She has been an amazing midwife to Roxie, reading everything she could get her hands on making sure everything was done just right for both Mama and babies!  When you care so deeply you experience the highs and lows of the situation so much more.  She has always had a heart for animals, especially the weak fragile ones.
Leanna is my only daughter and mother to all of my grandchildren.  To say that I am extremely proud of her is a huge understatement!  She is not only my daughter but my closest friend and biggest supporter.  I know she always has my back and will love me no matter what foolish thing I do.
We have walked hand in hand through some pretty tough times.  We have cried together, and certainly laughed together.  We have fought with each other and for each other.  We respect each other and dare anyone to disrespect either one of us with the other present.
The amazing thing is, whatever is going on, good, bad or indifferent, we have the joy of knowing we have each other.  
We have shared a gambit of emotions the past couple of days.  First total and complete excitement at the prospect of the birth of the puppies.  When the pangs of labor hit we were more than a little excited, we were over the moon!!  When it became apparent the birth was not going according to plan panic set in quickly.  Still never dreaming it would go so wrong.  When the first puppy passed away the overwhelming sadness saturated the room.  And when at last the final two puppies were delivered the joy was unmistakable!!  Finally, bringing Roxie and the babies home, even with the loss of Buster, joy was the name of the game.
Now with the loss of Triton sadness threatens to take the joy once again.  We must look at the big picture and practice the glass is half full theory.  No matter what is gone there is more left behind.  More joy to come, more puppies, more love, more living.  Even with sadness in the midst of joy life IS good!!!  Live it!!!  Live it fully!! 
 

Puppy Power!!

I would like to share a story with you if I may;
Once upon a time, there was a husband who loved his wife more than she could believe.  He was a wonderful husband and an amazing father.  
The family made a move to another state and things were NOT good there.  So the loving husband bought his sad, homesick wife a beautiful little dapple puppy they named Roxie!  Roxie was so loving and had a unique personality all her own.  She brought happiness to the family, especially the wife.
After several years the husband unexpectedly passed away, leaving a grieve stricken wife, children and little doggy.  Roxie watched for him to come home from work each day, all the while keeping the wife company and giving unconditional love.
It came about that the wife decided to give the dog to her grandson because he loved her so much and the wife thought it best for her to be with him and his family.
Because Roxie was a gift from such a wonderful man and step father it was decided that she should have another litter of puppies so that part of the man could continue to bless our lives.  With that purpose she was mated and the wait began.....
Finally yesterday Roxie went into labor.  After laboring for a while it became apparent that she was in trouble.  She was rushed to the vet where they tried at first unsuccessfully, to remove the puppies via forceps.  After giving her medicine to intensify her contractions they were able to remove 3 puppies.  All boys.  We had to have a little dapple girl....we just HAD to!  It was decided that an x-ray needed to be taken to determine how many more puppies were inside.  They found 2 more puppies unable to make it down the birth canal.  So they preformed an emergency c-section.  When they took Roxie into surgery they came and informed us that the first puppy did not make it.  We all burst into tears for our lost little baby.  Only after many tears did we realize that the husband in heaven now had his own little puppy.  
While Roxie was in surgery they let us have the puppies in with us, we held them and loved them and cried with joy and sorrow.  Finally they came and gave us the news....the 2 little puppies were doing well and they where BOTH females....one dapple like her mother!!!  We shouted with joy!!  Leanna now had her MattyMae, named after the loving husband and step father.  
Mother and puppies are doing well. Our family has yet another bond cementing us even stronger together.  Who would of thought puppies could mean so much?  
Another example of how good life is!!!  Live it!!!!  

The World Didn't End

After 2 days of crying and sleeping and crying some more I see that the world is still here.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I'm sure somewhere someone is actually smiling.
As for me....well I have survived.  Survived a hellish nightmare of my own making.  Overreacting as usual, losing my mind when I would have been much better off keeping control of it and acting like a total and complete ass!
Reading between the lines, assuming, and looking into the future in my not so shiny crystal ball brought me to the point of total and utter ridiculousness!  Ugly, threatening, nasty, words all spouted by ME!  All because I didn't get my way!  Really Judi, how old are you?  How long have you played this game?
I presented myself as a total lunatic!  And why?  Because I have not wanted to ask questions that I have every right to know the answer to.  I have not let my feelings be known on all levels.  I have not wanted to make waves.  I am assuming and he is doing the same.  Yes that's healthy.  Where is the communication that I so proudly claim I am so good at?  Where are the boundaries that I plead with others to set and follow?  Where is any independence on my part?  Somewhere inside me in some unrecognizable place I suppose.  
I am pretty sure I am wearing blinders, because that is what I chose to do still.  And I am well aware that I am risking being hurt in a big way, but right now I don't care.  Now I have to prove to both of us that I am not a wild, crazy woman who blows her top and is in need of a straight jacket, over some little thing.
I apologize to my man, I am sorry for acting like a crazy, spoiled, assuming bitch.  We will talk this out and you will see I will keep my word.
Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I can get through anything, and by god I am!  There is good in people, love to be had, and worlds of wonder to experience,
Life is good, I will live it.....even if not everything is golden at this point it's worth living to the max!!!  Look out world here I come!!!
 

Pleasing Others

Not possible!!  We can only please ourselves!  I know this first hand.  No matter how much we give, others just take, take, and take.
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return.  Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something.  Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this.  I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again.  I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart.  But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person?  Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats?  What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me.  I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me.  I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me.  But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong.  I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see.  I see that I was used in the worst possible way!  Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished.  Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love.  Feel in love months ago.  And he is married.  Safely married.  He offers nothing....she takes nothing.  I gave EVERYTHING!  He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact?  I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me.  But I can't.  I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so".  I don't want to hear it.  I can't bear it.  I am a fool.  A stupid naive fool.  
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE!  Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake.  Not caring whether I live or die.  Not wanting tomorrow to come.  And who do I blame...ME!!  I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
 

To Thine Own Self Be True and Set A Good Example?

That is most certainly an oxymoron!  I prefer "don't do as I do, do as I say".  Unfortunately the loudest words are often those unspoken.  Little do we really know how our actions affect those around us so much more than our words of wisdom.
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything.  Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced.  And we often share this in words.  But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life.  If we settle, they see that.  Is that what we want for them?  Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter.  I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical.  I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections.  I put up with him cheating on my.  Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things?  Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that.  After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out.  But I didn't.  I regret that to this day.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me.  I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this?  Although I can't see it, they have their reasons.  They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad?  Not for me to decide.  But I challenge you right now.  If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy?  Is it what you want for them?  
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example.  If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example.  I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay.  In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!