Where to begin? I am struggling. Don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or what I want to change. I just KNOW I don't want to be in this exact same spot next year!
I feel I am in limbo. Trapped in a jungle with no map. What happens if I go that way? Where will I end up if I chose that direction? What pitfall awaits me if I turn in that direction? I am drifting. Occasionally I find safety in a snug harbor, where I glimpse the life I want. Only then a storm appears out of no where and I am tossed into an unpredictable whirlpool of uncertainty and doubt.
There seems to be constant pain in my heart.
The above was an entry I worked on on December 31st. Obviously I was overwhelmed and to be honest not much has changed to date.
I just had a two day melt down and am trying with all I have to pull myself up today and take a slow deep breathe and see if I can find my center. Is that what I want to do? HELL no. What I want to do is throw a fit, hurt someone, maybe myself included. I want to scream to the top of my lungs that "I" matter, that "I" have unmet needs and that "I" am far from defeated!!
But I am learning ....am holding onto knowledge that will help me. I didn't go off the deep end and eat everything in sight, I didn't run to the nearest store and buy cigarettes. I didn't drown my sorrow in the first bottle of liquor I could get my hands on. Because I want to do it right this time. I don't want to blame failure on failure. So I slept, I cried, I cursed, I wrote, I talked to the source of my confusion and I shut all other influences and voices out.
You see I know only I have the answers I seek. Only I know what I will and will not accept. For once I am demanding honesty from not only myself but from the other person in this private relationship. Only through complete honesty can I hope to find the trust, freedom and desire to continue on with or without this person. For far too long I have cared about what EVERYONE else thinks is best for me, what everyone else thinks I should do or feel. NOT ANY MORE!!! What I think, what I feel and what I care about is ALL that matters at this moment. I am on the edge of a cliff of discovery, I may fall, but I may stand strong and whole! I may not find what I am hoping to find, but it may set me free all the same. To be so in love with someone that you can hardly breath is a kind of jail especially when it has to be so secret so hidden. I want to shout to the rooftops, to let the world know....agony!
I am rambling, not make sense even to my own brain/heart.
Right now this is my life, my prison and I am seeking answers from the only person they matter from, WE need to figure this out, WE only know the answers for US. While I am sure most have ideas and opinions you really know NOTHING about this situation so don't be offended if I keep to myself and smile and do exactly what I wish because even if it's wrong it is MY choice, my life and I will do it MY way!!!
Been there, done that. You are so right, you have to figure it out for yourself. Even if you, and the other one involved, don't seem to solve it. You have to live with you, that is all I am saying.
ReplyDeleteI chose not to keep beating myself up for choosing things that I knew were not healthy for me. Spiritual balance, for me, was huge in my decisions.
I hope that you find your balance, and what your directions are.
It is hard, I know. You have my prayers. :)