Imperfections

It's been a while since I posted.  The reason being I don't know where to begin.  I don't know where I am, what I am doing, what I want or where I want to be.

Frustrated, lost, anger, resentment, restless, nothingness, deprived, alone, and defective.  Words describing what I have been feeling lately.  A far cry from the words I wish for to describe my life.  Circles, I have been moving in circles, thinking I was moving forward each day, only to realize I have gotten nowhere.  

To be fair to myself, I have made some positive changes.  I have taken control over my health.  I have been eating much much better, lost some weight and put exercise into my plan.  So outwardly I have something positive to show.  But on the inside ....sigh.

I have grown impatient with many people around me. Almost cynical with some people who make promises I know they will not keep.  Even little things make me doubt their definition of being a friend or even a concerned acquaintance.  I have become short with people I love and care about.  I seem to have lost that edge I have always had of pointing out negatives in a positive way.  I am hurting and don't care if I step on toes.  I feel neglected and resentful.  I think I am reaching out but obviously (to me) no one sees that.  I'm tired.  Tired of trying to balance.  I am angry with circumstances that I have no control over and wondering how the hell to care without over spending emotionally.

As in my blog referencing life being a checking account I am overdrawn!!!  I am in the red!!  I don't know how to earn deposits to get back into the black!!  I find myself making decisions that I am unable to keep.  I see myself seeking change that I cannot seem to implement. My thoughts have a life of their own, not knowing when to shut off!  

Yes I am an emotional mess right now.  Just when I thought it safe to let myself be happy and at peace I have lost my ever-loving mind!  Not any one thing, not any one piece of the puzzle causing all this inner chaos.  Many fragments, many little aggravations, many little disappointments coming together to loom as failure to my quest for happiness and peace.

Then I wonder; Am I one of these little aggravations to someone who loves and cares about me?  Just one of the many they may be experiencing?  Am I taking more than I am giving in return?  Am I making promises I am not keeping?  The answer is probably I am.  Am I doing it on purpose?  The answer is NO!  Therefore, are my friends and family letting me down on purpose?  NO!  Do they even realize they are?  NO!  

Time to put my big girl panties on and stop being the guest of honor at my own pity-party and put it into perspective.  I and I alone make my own choices.  I and I alone am responsible for those choices.  And I and I alone read the actions of those around me.  If I expect more than I am getting from someone I am setting myself up.  I have to accept the fact, that just like myself, people mean well when they make promises and tell you they are there for you.  Then life happens and you are not a priority.  Get the hell over it Judi and be your own best friend.  Be there for yourself!  Make the most of every situation.  Put on your Matthew glasses and see the BEST in everyone and don't take it personal when people disappoint you.

Wow...this is so not what I intended this blog to be when I began!!  It never ceases to amaze me what comes out when I sit down to write.  Cleansing of the soul often.  Airing out the cobwebs.  Looking into the mirror and seeing a bit clearer what others might see.

I am glad to have this chance to open the windows of my mind from time to time.  Even when it sounds crazy and makes little sense to many, it may help someone to realize that some of the things in there life aren't as bad as they think either.

After all, I woke up this morning and have made it all the way to late morning.  I have not exploded into nothingness and still have things to look forward to, even if not my fantasy life.  I have family and friends who love me, even if they are not perfect.  I see life for what it is....an imperfect opportunity to live, learn, laugh, and love.  It is what it is and can only be changed by ME.  It is my imperfect life, it will NEVER be perfect, but I experience many perfect moments!!!  I will live for these moments...it's my life and today I will live it!!!

Counting the Good

I am feeling so lonely right now.  When I am around my family and friends for several days and my life goes back to the norm I feel incredibly alone!  You would think after days of partying for my birthday and having my son and grandson sleeping over I would be ready for a little boring normal, but alas I find myself in tears tonight!  Missing my son, missing my lover, missing my family, missing the noise. 

Someone advised me that when I am feeling low I should go back over the past few days and look at all the good things.  So to heed that advice I will try.

On Friday my wonderful son David came in from TX!!  I had not seen him since November 2010, and that's a long time.  I had been missing him so much and wanted to experience a "David" hug!  So seeing him, having him here was indeed special!!  We had Christmas when he arrived as I had his Christmas gifts here for the past couple of Christmas!! 

Later Friday night we were all at Leanna's for games and laughs.  We had sooo much fun!!  Then my grandsons and David came home with me and we had a slumber party!!

On Saturday Leanna, Desiree, the boys and I went to Trader Joe's in Madison and bought a few things.  I love that place!  And it helped kill the time before my birthday dinner on Saturday night at Leanna's.

At dinner I had an amazing surprise!!  The wonderful man I have been seeing for almost 2 1/2 yrs surprised me by coming to the dinner party!  I was in 7th heaven surrounded by people that I love and care for so very much!!  It was a wonderful evening!!  AND  I got an iPod Touch that I wanted really really really badly!!  I LOVE it!!!!  Thank you everyone for pitching in for that!!!!  And thank you Leanna, Jerry, Zachary, Quyn, Daniel, David, Anna, Desiree and my love for making it such a fabulous celebration!!!

I am so very blessed to have such loving friends and family that would take so much time out of their busy schedules to pamper me and spend quality time with me.  I need to remember that when I am lonely.  

Now I feel kinda like a schmuck!  Whining and crying that I'm lonely when so many people made sure I was treated so special on my special day!!!

Okay, got my big girl panties on now.  Ready to watch some TV, then listen to my iPod and relax and enjoy the wonderful memories we made this weekend.

My life is SOOOO good and I am SOOOO lucky to be living it!!!

A Complicated Love

Have been frustrated for days both with my life and my blog.  Couldn't access so I could write, finally figured out the problem....now if I could only solve my life issues as easily.

Falling deeper in love with my man each time we are together but he is still undecided what he is going to do in the situation.  He seems more committed to me in all he says and does but then he does something so selfish that I reel from it.

He took a vacation day and spent Valentine's Day with me and afterwards I remembered that is his wedding anniversary!  He was with me ...ouch!  For the first time since our relationship began I felt a huge pang of guilt.  Once upon a time I would not even have thought of seeing a married man, now I have been doing it for almost 2 1/2 years.  Who am I?  

Oh I can justify it, trust me on that.  But do I want to anymore?  I am so confused I don't know which end is up.  I try to sort it out in my head and my heart puts in it's two cents worth and I am back at square one.  I love him.  He loves me.  Blah, blah this and blah, blah that, if's and should's... I am losing my mind!!

After a few days of not seeing him I practice my dismissal speech and set my mind to ending it.  Then he comes in the door and my resolve quickly dissolves.  He is here, we are tucked away in our own little world where no one can touch us and we are safe and in love.  Our own little world...it is nice, but it is NOT what I want all the time.  I want to go out and share life's experiences.  I want to shout from the rooftops that he is mine and I am his.  I want to be accepted as a couple.  Is this EVER going to happen?  I don't know, but I do know that my patience is running out.  I am tired of waiting and wanting.  I want to go to bed with him each night and wake up with him each morning.  I want to make his dinner and his breakfast and send him off to work every day and welcome him home every evening.  I want to do things with him that he is passionate about and expect him to do the same with me.  I want an all or nothing relationship with this man.

So the question I have to ask myself is how much longer am I willing to wait?  What is it going to take for me to take a stand and issue an ultimatum?  Not that I haven't done that in the past.  I have, to no avail.  I took him back 3 times!!!  Once after no communication for over a month.  I know, I know what was I thinking?  The truth be told I couldn't think.  My heart over ruled ever thought that came into my brain.  I honestly felt I was going to die.  

So what brings me to this point again I am asking myself.  Life has brought me to this point.  There are no guarantees in this life....I have a young friend with breast cancer, I have a high school friend that was just diagnosed with colon cancer and lost 4 other classmates last year.  I may not have time to dick around and wait for him to decide what he wants.  I KNOW what I want and if I can't have it I will find someone who does want what I want.  It's as simple as that.  Do I want to start all over?  NOOOOOO I don't, but the choice is not mine to make.

I am not asking for understanding, or advice.  I am putting this out there so if you are in a similar situation you know you are not struggling alone.  We all make mistakes, especially when the heart is involved.  There is NO need to beat ourselves up, no need to try to wish it all away.  It is what it is and regardless of how we got here it is our choice to do what we feel we must do.  

Today I feel strongly that I will stick to my guns very soon and make my demands known.  Tomorrow I may feel differently.  But at the end of the day, it's my life, I am living it to the best of my ability today and looking to make a better tomorrow for ME.  My life is good, and I will continue to live it MY way.

I Can Do More....I WILL Do More

As the anniversary of Matthew's death approaches and I reexamine, for the one millionth time, where I'm at in this game of life, I cannot help but wonder where the time goes and why I feel as though I must have sleep some of it away.  

I feel as though I must be stuck in some invisible trap, some limbo that prevents me from making progress to some unknown destination.  I appear to be stuck in a rut that just gets deeper making it impossible to scale up the sides and find whatever it is I need or am looking for.  The harder I try to make progress the more things around me materialize to make my forward movement stall.  I impede myself in making change more often than not.  Although I know this, it is NOT easy to reprimand myself and certainly more challenging yet to institute change.  

It's like right now I set low expectations so I KNOW I won't be disappointed.  Set the bar low and I don't have to try to hard to keep things on track.  If I move the bar up then I must work harder to move forward. Some goals are much easier to work toward than others of course.  My physical goals right now are a much larger priority over any emotional goals.  They are much easier to focus on and seem much more doable at the moment.

I feel like the immortalized Scarlet O'Hara right now, I'll not think about that today, I will think about it tomorrow.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Sticking my head in the sand and any other appropriate cliche dealing with avoidance.

Again I find myself retreating into my own world.  Keeping to myself, my mind racing every minute on trivial things.  Forever searching for meaning, for substance, for worth.  Still asking why, what if and wondering if someday I will be whole again.  

I have reached a point of determination the last couple of days however.  I have a plan for the moment.  I am going to throw myself into my health, and into the breast cancer causes.  I am going to dedicate my time to helping with the Gatorfest and preparing for The 3 Day in Chicago.  I am going to use my passion to help myself feel better about me and my health and to help those fighting a real battle for their very lives.  I am going to try with all that have to forget my woes and focus on something that matters.

This is my life, I cannot always change the things I would like but I can certainly learn to accept them or get the hell out.  I can do more and I will do more.  I make my own choices and am prepared to accept the consequences.  My life has very good parts, no one has a perfect life.  My life is mine and will live it, because life overall is GOOD!!  Bad things happen, really bad things, but we cannot live there.....

Emotional? Me?

I don't know.  I have been so emotional lately.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of being emotional and I am tired of this indecisive mind of mine!

I have thrown myself into healthy eating and exercise but my spiritual being is screaming from deep inside!  My mind is in constant turmoil.  Thoughts from here to there in 0.4 seconds.  Even my fantasies are odd and unfamiliar to me.  

I have not been sleeping well and I know for me that is a MUST!  Without sleep I cannot focus on any one thing, let alone the billion and one things that have been on my mind lately.  That will have to become my number one obstacle to overcome these next few days. 

It's funny how sometimes when I write it's like  my fingers have a mind of their own and thoughts I didn't even know I was thinking emerge.  Perhaps my fingers are smarter than my brain at this moment.

I know that for me organization of challenges is a priority.  I have not been doing a very good job of choosing my battles lately.  I am letting far too many things become a battle.  One at a time Judi, one at a time. And what is worthy of fighting for and what is NOT?  Slow down.  Focus on what is important for you and your loved ones.  What can you feasibly   change and do?  All the worry in the world changes exactly NOTHING.

Yep talking to oneself may seem crazy to some, but to me it is perfectly normal.  I am my own sounding board.  At times however I seem to ignore or forget my own best advice.  The human in me still wants what she wants the way she wants it, not only for me but for those I love that have a direct affect on my life.

I know some around me are concerned about my emotional state, I can assure you I am not in a bad place right now.  I just seem to have a conviction in my heart right now that demands action.  That demand is intense and at times confusing to my brain/heart thought process.  I am at times so overwhelmed with the weight of my thoughts on certain matters that I require lots of alone time to try and sort out and categorize them.  I am not hiding or shutting anyone out, I am just trying as best I can to keep some order in my life.  

I ask that you, my family and friends, be patient with me, allow me to move through this maze of mine at my own pace, accept me and my decisions without question and love me.  I am a big girl.  I have been doing this life thing for a long time.  I have made mistakes and I have learned lessons the hard way.  I trust myself these days, which is new to me.  I fall down, I may wallow, but I always get up.  It's my life, my journey and I will live it my way, I will love days of it and I will hate days of it, this I know to be true.  But in the end it's good and I am happy to be living it.

A Mess Of My Own Making

Where to begin?  I am struggling.  Don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or what I want to change. I just KNOW I don't want to be in this exact same spot next year!

I feel I am in limbo. Trapped in a jungle with no map.  What happens if I go that way?  Where will I end up if I chose that direction?  What pitfall awaits me if I turn in that direction?  I am drifting.  Occasionally I find safety in a snug harbor, where I glimpse the life I want.  Only then a storm appears out of no where and I am tossed into an unpredictable whirlpool of uncertainty and doubt.

There seems to be constant pain in my heart.  

The above was an entry I worked on on December 31st.  Obviously I was overwhelmed and to be honest not much has changed to date.

I just had a two day melt down and am trying with all I have to pull myself up today and take a slow deep breathe and see if I can find my center.  Is that what I want to do?  HELL no.  What I want to do is throw a fit, hurt someone, maybe myself included.  I want to scream to the top of my lungs that "I" matter, that "I" have unmet needs and that "I" am far from defeated!!

But I am learning ....am holding onto knowledge that will help me.  I didn't go off the deep end and eat everything in sight, I didn't run to the nearest store and buy cigarettes.  I didn't drown my sorrow in the first bottle of liquor I could get my hands on.  Because I want to do it right this time.  I don't want to blame failure on failure.  So I slept, I cried, I cursed, I wrote, I talked to the source of my confusion and I shut all other influences and voices out.  

You see I know only I have the answers I seek.  Only I know what I will and will not accept.  For once I am demanding honesty from not only myself but from the other person in this private relationship.  Only through complete honesty can I hope to find the trust, freedom and desire to continue on with or without this person.  For far too long I have cared about what EVERYONE else thinks is best for me, what everyone else thinks I should do or feel.  NOT ANY MORE!!!  What I think, what I feel and what I care about is ALL that matters at this moment.  I am on the edge of a cliff of discovery, I may fall, but I may stand strong and whole!  I may not find what I am hoping to find, but it may set me free all the same.  To be so in love with someone that you can hardly breath is a kind of jail especially when it has to be so secret so hidden.  I want to shout to the rooftops, to let the world know....agony!  

I am rambling, not make sense even to my own brain/heart.  

Right now this is my life, my prison and I am seeking answers from the only person they matter from, WE need to figure this out, WE only know the answers for US.  While I am sure most have ideas and opinions you really know NOTHING about this situation so don't be offended if I keep to myself and smile and do exactly what I wish because even if it's wrong it is MY choice, my life and I will do it MY way!!!

Happy New Year...May All Your Dreams Be Realized?

Wow another year under my belt.  Still wondering when I will feel whole again.  Still struggling with the void of not having that someone special in my life.  Still wondering why things happen the way they do.  Still wishing I could totally happy again.

As I sit here waiting for time for my New Years Eve celebration with family and friends I hold so dear I find myself at a loss.  Why do I feel I need more?  I have so much.  Much more than many.  I have people who love me.  And I love them.  Why do I feel like something is missing?  I had it all and like so many took it for granted.  But I still have SO much.  

I am blessed with good health.  I have a nice home.  I have a beautiful family.  I have loving, caring friends.  Yet I want that one special someone who can't live without me.  That one person that makes me sparkle on the inside, makes me giggle like a school girl, that I can't wait to see and will never get enough of.  That person that I would move heaven and earth for.  And he would feel the exact same things for me.

Wait, be patient, he's out there.  I think I've found him but it is so complicated.  Why can't it be easy?  Why shouldn't it be easy?  Why does it seem I have to be tested time and time again?  Why must I cry myself to sleep missing him and wanting him?  If there is another out there for me why can't he find me?  

All around me people are meeting, falling in love, starting a life together.  People are overcoming obstacles and living happily.  That's all I want!  I want to love him with my whole heart and have it returned.  I want to be with him every moment, share every dream and treat him with love and respect.  I want to snuggle in his arms as I go to sleep and wake and watch him sleeping peacefully and KNOW he is mine!  Know that he is were he wants to be and know he loves me just as much.

I was so not cut out to be alone.  I need to love someone, to take care of someone to belong to someone.

This is so hard.  I never imagined being alone.  I hate it.  I HATE IT!!!!!

Is this my year?  Is this the year I will have my someone special?  I don't know.  I hope so.  I would love to have my heart in one piece again.  I hope it happens for me, but I guess if it doesn't I will survive another year.  Deep down I know life is good, I know I am blessed and my it is the totally selfish me that wants more, needs more.  This is my life and it's not done.  I will go on, I will keep hoping I find him or that he finds me.

Happy New Year!!!!