A two day hangover!! Or in the case a wallow hangover! One that could have slipped right into a third day!! Unlike the usual hangover, a bloody Mary was not the answer to this over indulgence. The plop plop fizz fizz of Alka Seltzer wouldn't help. The answer lay in me. I had to make a conscience effort to move forward.
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Wallow Queen
Oh boy, talk about wallow?! Yesterday was the day for it! Sometimes holidays just plan suck! And yesterday brought out the poor pitiful me in an enormous way! No one could have possibly been wronged more than I yesterday. I have the fat puffy eyes to prove it!
I woke up thinking I had it by the tail. I had already written about my father figures and had dealt with so it was all good....WRONG!
Does the term 'abandonment issues' ring a bell? How dare these wonderful men who meant so much to my heart and soul just up and die on ME! And I am reasonably sure they did it just to hurt ME! Let's forget the fact that maybe they weren't quite ready to leave this world, maybe they didn't go out in the fashion they wanted. Maybe they weren't finished with what they thought they had to do. Selfish? ME? Couldn't be! After all it was me sitting here crying all day long, missing their arms and their stories. Feeling alone and so very wronged I longed for more time with each and every one of them. I had been short changed!
Would my Daddy's be happy with my actions, my frame of mind? Would they look down and say "Look at Judi, she's so strong". Ahhhh NO! At least one of them would have said I was acting like a titty baby!! Another might have mentioned something about a spoiled brat and Matt's words I'm pretty sure would have been "whinny cat". Grandaddy might have let me get away with it!! LOL
So here's the deal. I allowed myself to wallow. I finally had had enough and took my anxiety medicine (gee that is what they are for right?). Made myself get dress and out of the apartment. I did it....I rescued myself! Today I am feeling a little foolish. A little drama queenish if you will. But that was yesterday, and today is a new day.
Ahhhh life IS good! Live it!!!!
I woke up thinking I had it by the tail. I had already written about my father figures and had dealt with so it was all good....WRONG!
Does the term 'abandonment issues' ring a bell? How dare these wonderful men who meant so much to my heart and soul just up and die on ME! And I am reasonably sure they did it just to hurt ME! Let's forget the fact that maybe they weren't quite ready to leave this world, maybe they didn't go out in the fashion they wanted. Maybe they weren't finished with what they thought they had to do. Selfish? ME? Couldn't be! After all it was me sitting here crying all day long, missing their arms and their stories. Feeling alone and so very wronged I longed for more time with each and every one of them. I had been short changed!
Would my Daddy's be happy with my actions, my frame of mind? Would they look down and say "Look at Judi, she's so strong". Ahhhh NO! At least one of them would have said I was acting like a titty baby!! Another might have mentioned something about a spoiled brat and Matt's words I'm pretty sure would have been "whinny cat". Grandaddy might have let me get away with it!! LOL
So here's the deal. I allowed myself to wallow. I finally had had enough and took my anxiety medicine (gee that is what they are for right?). Made myself get dress and out of the apartment. I did it....I rescued myself! Today I am feeling a little foolish. A little drama queenish if you will. But that was yesterday, and today is a new day.
Ahhhh life IS good! Live it!!!!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sunday Funnies
Awwww Sunday! That day of rest, of relaxation and family. That day we both love and dread, because Monday isn't far behind.
Sunday's at our house in Texas were always special. Never quite knew what the day was going to be.
Some Sundays I would declare it "don't HAVE to day" meaning just that. Nothing HAD to be done. I didn't HAVE to cook, Matt didn't HAVE to do any honey do jobs, the boys didn't HAVE to clean their rooms. You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do. Of course that meant you might not eat and you might have no clean dishes and you might run out of gas but hey.....it was worth it.
And I loved "pajama day"! Just lounging around in your jammies all day....ahhhhh, freedom! But if someone happened to drop by...yikes...run before they see you in your favorite, less than flattering attire! Dang company anyhow!!
Breakfast in bed was always a treat and I have to say I was on the receiving end of that deal a few times and it's pretty nice. It was okay that my eggs were hot and my toast cold. Just because I knew how to make everything come out at the same time didn't mean that Matt and boys did...lol.
Those Sunday drives with no particular destination were the BEST! Loved to just get in the car and drive. Seeing the country side, watching nature fly by the open windows. Maybe stopping for a bit to eat or wandering around a local store, watching the people. Taking the kids along when they were younger, leaving them home when they no long found our company inviting.
Sundays are different for me now. I often travel down memory lane while sitting alone in my living room without so much as the TV for company. Sometimes I might browse through photos. On occasion I call family or friends to see what's new with them. If I have "don't have to day" no one knows. "Pajama day" happens any day of the week I don't want to get dressed. Breakfast in bed occurs when I make a bowl of cereal and take it back in my bedroom, lol. And Sunday adventures in the car a thing of the past, a wonderfully sweet memory.
But you know what, I am blessed to have these memories. Blessed to have had those precious times.
It's time to move forward, I have more memories to make and share with my loved ones.
Live is good!! Live it!!!
Sunday's at our house in Texas were always special. Never quite knew what the day was going to be.
Some Sundays I would declare it "don't HAVE to day" meaning just that. Nothing HAD to be done. I didn't HAVE to cook, Matt didn't HAVE to do any honey do jobs, the boys didn't HAVE to clean their rooms. You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do. Of course that meant you might not eat and you might have no clean dishes and you might run out of gas but hey.....it was worth it.
And I loved "pajama day"! Just lounging around in your jammies all day....ahhhhh, freedom! But if someone happened to drop by...yikes...run before they see you in your favorite, less than flattering attire! Dang company anyhow!!
Breakfast in bed was always a treat and I have to say I was on the receiving end of that deal a few times and it's pretty nice. It was okay that my eggs were hot and my toast cold. Just because I knew how to make everything come out at the same time didn't mean that Matt and boys did...lol.
Those Sunday drives with no particular destination were the BEST! Loved to just get in the car and drive. Seeing the country side, watching nature fly by the open windows. Maybe stopping for a bit to eat or wandering around a local store, watching the people. Taking the kids along when they were younger, leaving them home when they no long found our company inviting.
Sundays are different for me now. I often travel down memory lane while sitting alone in my living room without so much as the TV for company. Sometimes I might browse through photos. On occasion I call family or friends to see what's new with them. If I have "don't have to day" no one knows. "Pajama day" happens any day of the week I don't want to get dressed. Breakfast in bed occurs when I make a bowl of cereal and take it back in my bedroom, lol. And Sunday adventures in the car a thing of the past, a wonderfully sweet memory.
But you know what, I am blessed to have these memories. Blessed to have had those precious times.
It's time to move forward, I have more memories to make and share with my loved ones.
Live is good!! Live it!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Gray Days
At times my days are gray. Looks like today may be one of those, literally and figuratively. Days when nothing tastes as good, nothing smells as sweet and things just feel a bit out of kilter. Why must I have days like this?
I have heard it said that if we didn't have the bad we would not fully recognize the good. Mmmmmm. Okay, that makes a little sense I guess.
What makes a gray day? I find loneliness turns my world colorless in about 3 seconds. I am not always lonely for the same things however. Sometimes I am missing a certain person. Sometimes I long for a place or time and on occasion I am void of a particular feeling that creates a hole in my being.
Today I am jumping ahead of myself in time. I am thinking about tomorrow and the people I no longer have in my life to share Father's Day with. I, who had so many father figures in my life, now have no one to share the day with. But I have forgotten that my memory does indeed serve me well and if I look there I am not alone at all. In June 2009 I wrote something that I want to bring back into my memory: The other day I realized that I am indeed fortunate to have had not just one, but 4 Daddy's in my life. Each one gave of themselves to my legacy. Each one gave me a unique gift. Each one gave me love and hope. Although they are all gone now I possess memories that will forever be shared between them and me. I miss them so, especially on the day we are to honor our Daddy. With this in mind I honor the memory of my wonderful Grandaddy, Charles R Wellborn Sr, for stepping up to the plate to be my Daddy when I was so young. Uncle Gordon, you were so much fun and I love you so. My fantastic step father, DeLane Terral, you were the best, and I miss your stories so much. And to my knight, my father, Charles R Wellborn Jr, I wish I could look up and see you coming across the yard one more time, I miss you Daddy. These men filled the shoes of Daddy. These men are admired and missed. These men, my Daddys, I love you so.
To this I have to add that I am saddened that my boys will not have their Daddy for the day either. I feel their heartbreak, their sadness and it hurts me deeply. I know how much they miss him, how much I miss him and how wrong it all feels. We were indeed blessed to have had him in our lives. He so loved us and we so loved him!
I know sometimes I have to be my own rescuer and pull myself out of my funks. And I also know that sometimes I must wallow. And that is okay as long as I know when enough is enough. I am so grateful that I am at a place today where I have sense enough to reach inside my self and pull out the good memories and not dwell in my loss.
Life is so good!! Live it!!!
I have heard it said that if we didn't have the bad we would not fully recognize the good. Mmmmmm. Okay, that makes a little sense I guess.
What makes a gray day? I find loneliness turns my world colorless in about 3 seconds. I am not always lonely for the same things however. Sometimes I am missing a certain person. Sometimes I long for a place or time and on occasion I am void of a particular feeling that creates a hole in my being.
Today I am jumping ahead of myself in time. I am thinking about tomorrow and the people I no longer have in my life to share Father's Day with. I, who had so many father figures in my life, now have no one to share the day with. But I have forgotten that my memory does indeed serve me well and if I look there I am not alone at all. In June 2009 I wrote something that I want to bring back into my memory: The other day I realized that I am indeed fortunate to have had not just one, but 4 Daddy's in my life. Each one gave of themselves to my legacy. Each one gave me a unique gift. Each one gave me love and hope. Although they are all gone now I possess memories that will forever be shared between them and me. I miss them so, especially on the day we are to honor our Daddy. With this in mind I honor the memory of my wonderful Grandaddy, Charles R Wellborn Sr, for stepping up to the plate to be my Daddy when I was so young. Uncle Gordon, you were so much fun and I love you so. My fantastic step father, DeLane Terral, you were the best, and I miss your stories so much. And to my knight, my father, Charles R Wellborn Jr, I wish I could look up and see you coming across the yard one more time, I miss you Daddy. These men filled the shoes of Daddy. These men are admired and missed. These men, my Daddys, I love you so.
To this I have to add that I am saddened that my boys will not have their Daddy for the day either. I feel their heartbreak, their sadness and it hurts me deeply. I know how much they miss him, how much I miss him and how wrong it all feels. We were indeed blessed to have had him in our lives. He so loved us and we so loved him!
I know sometimes I have to be my own rescuer and pull myself out of my funks. And I also know that sometimes I must wallow. And that is okay as long as I know when enough is enough. I am so grateful that I am at a place today where I have sense enough to reach inside my self and pull out the good memories and not dwell in my loss.
Life is so good!! Live it!!!
Friday, June 15, 2012
So this is Today! And I Love it!
Some days are definitely better than others and today is one of those! I'm certain that all of us have very specific things that make us happy. Not one thing but many things that bring us personal satisfaction and joy. This happiness can come from people, places, things and actions. It can be complicated or quite simple.
Today I got to spend several hours with someone who brings me such happiness and joy. Someone who lights up my world with his smile, especially if I am the one who puts the smile on his lips. I don't get to spend anywhere near as much time with him as I would like so every moment I do have with him is precious.
I am one of those women who absolutely love to do things for her man, I know weird. Few things bring me as much enjoyment as making my special one feel just how special he is to me. If I can prepare him a special meal, give him a relaxing massage or just sit near him as he watches his favorite TV show (even when it bores me half to death) I am in 7th heaven! If I can share a private joke, a secret touch or a passionate kiss I am wildly happy! Laughing with him, having him hold my hand or looking into each other eyes allows me to experience joy beyond measure.
So today was an amazing day for me! I have a man in my life that makes me a little crazy at times (and I probably make him that way too from time to time). There are no guarantees in life and I am well aware of this. So for the time being I am going to let this man hold on to my heart, trusting him not to break it and love him in return.
Once I heard a line in a movie (Steel Magnolias) that said "I would rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special", and that is what I have right now, someone wonderful and special.
Today I had those moments of laughter, private jokes (broken furniture), holding hands, sharing kisses and looking into each others eyes! Today I am so very very happy!
Life is good! Live it!!
Today I got to spend several hours with someone who brings me such happiness and joy. Someone who lights up my world with his smile, especially if I am the one who puts the smile on his lips. I don't get to spend anywhere near as much time with him as I would like so every moment I do have with him is precious.
I am one of those women who absolutely love to do things for her man, I know weird. Few things bring me as much enjoyment as making my special one feel just how special he is to me. If I can prepare him a special meal, give him a relaxing massage or just sit near him as he watches his favorite TV show (even when it bores me half to death) I am in 7th heaven! If I can share a private joke, a secret touch or a passionate kiss I am wildly happy! Laughing with him, having him hold my hand or looking into each other eyes allows me to experience joy beyond measure.
So today was an amazing day for me! I have a man in my life that makes me a little crazy at times (and I probably make him that way too from time to time). There are no guarantees in life and I am well aware of this. So for the time being I am going to let this man hold on to my heart, trusting him not to break it and love him in return.
Once I heard a line in a movie (Steel Magnolias) that said "I would rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special", and that is what I have right now, someone wonderful and special.
Today I had those moments of laughter, private jokes (broken furniture), holding hands, sharing kisses and looking into each others eyes! Today I am so very very happy!
Life is good! Live it!!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Eat the Meat and Spit out the Bones
You have to love your friends and family. After all they love YOU!
No matter where you are or what you are doing well-meaning family and friends are full of advice, and will offer it whether you need it or not. They are trying to look out after your well being in most cases. The biggest problem with this is; there are so many of them!
When I am already confused and unsure too much, or even sometimes "any", advice just compounds my confusion. And some of the suggestions are, let's face it, totally and complete useless!
The trick here is to simply use what you need and ignore what you don't. Don't take it personal, none of the advice and opinions expressed are aimed at hurting your feelings, although it sometimes does. Take it in the spirit given.
It is easy for those not currently walking in your circumstances to clearly see the answers, they think. They will say, "Well if I were you I would do this or that". Are they sure?
I am a "heart" person not a "head" person. Therefore if a "head" person is giving me advice I will seldom understand their way of thinking. And on the same hand they don't have a clue what I'm feeling. But...they love me and want to help.
The whole point here is to allow people to offer what they consider sound advice. Know in you heart that they are only trying to help. Even if it's far out in left field they feel they have shown you how much they care and understand. And sometimes they actually have given you some little tidbit that hits a chord. Some little glimmer of hope to keep you going forward in you journey.
I love my family and friends and wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have them in my corner rooting me on. I am glad I had a wonderful pastor in my life that gave me the sound advice to eat the meat and spit out the bones. Thank you Pastor Dennis Kingsland for the best advice I ever received.
Life is good! Keep on living it!
No matter where you are or what you are doing well-meaning family and friends are full of advice, and will offer it whether you need it or not. They are trying to look out after your well being in most cases. The biggest problem with this is; there are so many of them!
When I am already confused and unsure too much, or even sometimes "any", advice just compounds my confusion. And some of the suggestions are, let's face it, totally and complete useless!
The trick here is to simply use what you need and ignore what you don't. Don't take it personal, none of the advice and opinions expressed are aimed at hurting your feelings, although it sometimes does. Take it in the spirit given.
It is easy for those not currently walking in your circumstances to clearly see the answers, they think. They will say, "Well if I were you I would do this or that". Are they sure?
I am a "heart" person not a "head" person. Therefore if a "head" person is giving me advice I will seldom understand their way of thinking. And on the same hand they don't have a clue what I'm feeling. But...they love me and want to help.
The whole point here is to allow people to offer what they consider sound advice. Know in you heart that they are only trying to help. Even if it's far out in left field they feel they have shown you how much they care and understand. And sometimes they actually have given you some little tidbit that hits a chord. Some little glimmer of hope to keep you going forward in you journey.
I love my family and friends and wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have them in my corner rooting me on. I am glad I had a wonderful pastor in my life that gave me the sound advice to eat the meat and spit out the bones. Thank you Pastor Dennis Kingsland for the best advice I ever received.
Life is good! Keep on living it!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Little Miracles
If I have learned anything that has taken the 1st place spot in things learned it is that sometimes we have to actually LOOK for something miraculous. The tiny miracles that we take for granted are sometimes invisible.
Night before last I got the news from a dear friend that her little 1 year old niece may have leukemia. I can not imagine how devastated that entire family must be! I went to bed with this on my mind. Yesterday morning when I awoke I had a vague memory of a dream from the night before. As I lay there the dream came back to me; Matthew was playing with a baby... the very same baby I just mentioned. He had cake all over his face! As he leaned into the baby she would try to feed Matthew a piece of cake and he would move his face from side to side smearing more sticky cake frosting on his face. The baby was belly-laughing hysterically! As I mulled this over in my mind a smile came to my lips. I understood what the dream meant.
I got up and went straight to my phone. I sent a simple text to my friend....."Matthew is watching over Brandi". What a wonderful miracle, an unfathomable gift knowing that my dear sweet loving husband is still caring for my loved ones.
Life is good, keep on living it!!!
Night before last I got the news from a dear friend that her little 1 year old niece may have leukemia. I can not imagine how devastated that entire family must be! I went to bed with this on my mind. Yesterday morning when I awoke I had a vague memory of a dream from the night before. As I lay there the dream came back to me; Matthew was playing with a baby... the very same baby I just mentioned. He had cake all over his face! As he leaned into the baby she would try to feed Matthew a piece of cake and he would move his face from side to side smearing more sticky cake frosting on his face. The baby was belly-laughing hysterically! As I mulled this over in my mind a smile came to my lips. I understood what the dream meant.
I got up and went straight to my phone. I sent a simple text to my friend....."Matthew is watching over Brandi". What a wonderful miracle, an unfathomable gift knowing that my dear sweet loving husband is still caring for my loved ones.
Life is good, keep on living it!!!
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