I Hate It When That Happens

I am to the point where I seriously don't know what is up with me!  I have been doing the Atkins Diet and doing well.  Yesterday I had my Seeking Safety group and we talked about having understanding and empathy for ourselves.  We talked about food dependency and abuse and I was proud to comment positively about my tactics over the last week.
WELLLLLLLLL....for some reason, totally unknown by me I lost my every-loving mind when I got home!!!!!  
Do you every do things, hating what you are doing the whole time you are doing it?  I was cursing myself the entire time, yet I continued on.....WHY????
So now you are wondering what the hell did she do?  Sigh, I am embarrassed to tell you but I have to get it out......so here goes.
When I got home I decided I was hungry.  I had eaten 2 boiled eggs and drank an Atkins shake before I went to group.  So I warmed up some squash from the day before and cut some pork tenderloin that I had had a couple of days ago...all perfectly fine.  BUT...I was craving those good awful carbs...yes I am a carb-aholic!!  Sooooooo I made a bag of microwave popcorn....sigh...but....I didn't stop there....all of a sudden I couldn't live without chinese food!!!!  
Yep really.....I got in the car drove to the local chinese fast food place and ordered a $5 lunch deal and a side of crab ragoon!!!!!  This lunch special comes with a soda too!!  I get back home....I fix a heaping plate, grab my soda and head to the living room.  Not even the table...really Judi??? 
The whole time I am cursing myself, questioning my motives while chowing down the food.  AFTER I was done I realized the soda wasn't even diet (I always have diet soda)!  WTF???  
I must admit I was physically and emotionally ill when I finished!  How can I do something that makes me so miserable?  Am I punishing myself in some way for my short coming?  Sabotage comes to mind.  Why would I do that to myself?
Well, it's not the end of the world, I am back on track today, hate to think of the damage I did.  
Even with all that today is another day, life is good!!!!!  Another chance to get it right!  Living for today!!!!

Will I EVER Get It?

Understand, un-der-stand verb  to comprehend;  to realize; to know the feelings and thoughts of.  Not a hard word to spell, or to use in a sentence.  Not hard to define.  But to put it into practice can, for some, be a bit difficult.  I believe that at times we can only understand so much about another person. I think a lot of what and how we understand has to do with our experiences in life.  I also truly believe that many of us do not really try to understand things we do not know.  Understand is a verb, an action word, meaning it requires action to understand.
In my mind understanding someone requires a certain amount of empathy.  Em-pa-thy noun identification with and understanding the feelings of another person.  I may understand the that a particular person hates spinach, but I would not necessarily have empathy for them because I like spinach.  My lack of empathy may make this person fell slighted or frustration because he/she thinks I don't get it.  And in fact I don't.
I have said all this to say:   I get frustrated and fell slighted when people offer me advice, tell me they are there for me or how much they love and care for me when their actions don't reflect understanding and empathy.  And I am the biggest roadblock to that process.  I cannot expect anyone to identify and understand my feelings, when a lot of the time I can't understand them myself.  
I search for answers when sometimes I am not even sure of the questions.
I question my own understanding of myself.  One day I understand, the next I have no clue.  For instance there is a person in my life that I think I cannot live without today.  Yesterday I didn't need or want this person in my life.  Tomorrow I will be unable to live without this person again.   I understand I want said person in my life, but as for why?  I haven't a clue?!  So of course when others have an opinion oh this subject I am frustrated that they don't get it, they have not empathy for me....how can they?  I too lack understanding and empathy for myself.  Am I trying too hard, shall I just relax and go with the flow?  Let nature take it's course...Oh I just don't know.....sigh
What I do know is in my day to day existence I have good days and bad.  Some VERY good ones and some VERY bad ones, but in the grand scheme of things LIFE is good.....I may never have all the answers, I may never understand, but I am going to be kinder to me and I am going to live MY life for ME.....
 

Busy is GOOD!!

What a busy weekend I have had so far with another full day today!!!  I love to be busy, surrounded by family and friends and having fun!!  
It is Gemuetlichkeit Days here in Jefferson, WI.  What is that you might ask?  It is German Heritage Days and a host of wonderful family events are the order of the weekend.  Bed races this morning followed by our always delightful parade.  Yes it is a great excuse for drinking in the streets and grilling out but it is much more in my heart of hearts!  My husband accompanied me to my very first  Gemuetlichkeit parade and together we enjoyed the fun and festivities!  It is so bittersweet for me...yet I love it!  Tears are shed throughout the day as memories of my sweet, gentle Matthew invade my heart and mind.  How he loved to be with us all and we with him.  This man that brought so many new experiences into my life will always and forever be with all of us who love and miss him so very much.

We entered out precious little doggies into the cutest pet contest for the first time and wouldn't you know EVERYONES entries were misplaced!!!  LOL  So we will not find out the winners until after the event ends!!  It's okay we had a blast getting them ready.  I made them little floral crowns and we took their pictures in front of a little German flag with beer steins of beer, secretly applying peanut butter around the rim so the doggies would lick inside the mugs.  They came out a bit blurry but very cute anyway.  I think we stand a good chance to win.
So my friends I just want to say once again that Life IS Good, and I am living it as best I can!!  Have a wonderful day!!!!!

An Unscheduled Break

Sometimes we take a break from something that we love and there is no reason.  Whether we get sidetracked with work, play, struggles or just plain laziness we may experience a void and not even realize where it is coming from. 
When I began this blog it was as therapy for myself and to help the people who love and care about me to understand my changing moods and struggles.  I also thought that maybe some of my struggles and circumstances might help someone else going through ups and downs to know for certain that they are not alone.
I have experienced some tough times the past few weeks and unfortunately choose to shut down and retreat into my "smiley" world.
When I say that I really mean to show a smile and pretend that all is fine with the world, all the while hurting, keeping to myself as much as possible and trying not to let anyone know that I am in pain yet again.  This is when I tell myself that people are sick and tired of my moods, that is has been long enough that I shouldn't still be crying and feeling alone and miserable and that if I were as strong as everyone seems to think I am I wouldn't be acting and feeling this way.  I remind myself that my dear Matthew would NOT be proud of me, that I am letting him down and that perhaps this is all there is.  With all these thoughts going through my mind I still cannot pull myself out of the funk.  How long is this going to last?  Will I feel like this forever?
Suddenly I got a message from a former classmate simply asking why I had stopped writing my blog.  Why had I stopped?  Was I at a place that I thought no one cared?  Was I afraid to write the truth?  Was I just tired of writing?  Was I out of things to say?  Yes and no to all of the above.  What matters to me?  I love to write, to share my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences.  Do I think no one cares?  Of course at times I do feel they are tired of hearing it, tired of trying to make me feel better, tired of "being there" for me.  That is mostly in my mind.  Afraid to write the truth?  Maybe a bit.  I don't want to be judged but at the same time others are going through the same thing and I am not judging them and they need to know they aren't alone.  And those that do judge, go ahead, I really don't care anymore.  I will never run out of things to say....LOL!  So thanks to my former classmate and friend, thank you for waking me up, and encouraging me, because I am not done.  I am back and I hope I bring with me something you can enjoy and even find helpful as we continue to go through this world.  Let's reach for the brass ring....this is my life, only I can change it, only I can live it...life IS good, let's live!!!!
 

Choices

Well....I was typing away on another masterpiece of a blog when I apparently hit the wrong button and erased the whole thing.  I am thinking this was a sign that it wasn't what I was meant to be writing about..lol.
Perhaps I will write about something entirely different.  
I ran across a statement on Face Book this morning that really got my mind racing.  It said, "Everything you do is based on the choices you make.  It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame.  You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period."  I read that and said "Wow!  That is pretty black and white."  However it is very true.  Regardless of why I make the choices I make, I, and I alone, make the final decision.  Whether or not I have some influence from my past experiences or present circumstances I still make a conscience choice when making all decisions.  And if that is true for me, then it is true of every decision maker right?
Wow!  It suddenly dawns on me that I need to be better informed in some cases before I open my mouth.  If I chose to say something to someone I need to chose the correct words to express what I really mean.  It now has become a matter of integrity. I don't want to make bad choices and try to blame it on choice of words.  I want to say what I mean and mean what I say.  That is a choice that I am making right here and now!
I have made some humongous bad decisions in my life and I know that I will make more, I know I am only human.  But I am going to really work on thinking it through before making the same mistakes again.  It will rest firmly on my shoulders and I am going to take full responsibility for all the decisions I make from here on out!!
One of the things I am going to be making better choices about is what I do in my spare time.  I am going to chose to make better use of my time.  I am going to chose to become healthier.  And I am going to chose to learn to say "no" and not  be talked into doing things that I don't want to do.  I am choosing right now to take better care of me and if that means I am choosing to be selfish so be it.
It will probably take me some time to implement this new found knowledge so please be patient while I work out the kinks.  I am looking forward to being a better, more decisive me. 
Life is good.....live it!!! 

Days in the Making

As I sit here in my self imposed isolation I am filled with anxiety.  I am anxious because I don't know what my future holds.  Where my tomorrow lays.  When and if I will every be completely happy again.
The welcomed visit from Matthew's brother and nephew has brought so many memories and feelings to my heart, to my head and to my soul.  Once I was loved with a whole heart.
When did I slip into this life of complacency?  When did I lose my sense of value?  When did I decide that I would accept whatever love or attention I could get?  When did I allow myself to settle for half a relationship?  
I know in the beginning I was so lonely and longed for human intimacy so badly I didn't care where the comfort came from, just so I wasn't alone.
It has taken me days to write what is here so far.  Let me see if i can complete my thoughts today.
With so many struggles going on the past few days I hardly know which end is up.  Although this is common to me I find myself overwhelmed and unable to find my center.  Every step I take seems off, out of synch, and as if I am about to fall headlong into god only knows what!  The anxiety is consuming.  But I can somewhat focus today.  I am placing that focus on me.  What gets me through the day today is the most important aspect of life for me at this point.  I know myself...and I know if I continue stressing on all this minute crap I will be swallowed up by meaningless actions of unknowing people.  I don't for a moment believe that people are out to get me.  One person has no idea what another unthinking person is doing that is frustrating me.  It is difficult to explain to a friend that something they have done only added to a heap of stuff already in the fire in my head, heart and soul adding fuel to that fire.  One person thinks, sheesh she is so over reacting, but they fail to realize they are not the only person in my life!
The puzzle of my life is missing pieces.  Some are just misplaced and will be put back into the full picture in due time, others are lost forever and I must find ways to fill those empty places to make my life complete again.  Sometimes those empty places cause me to stumble and look at life's events harsher than I would have before.  I become anxious trying not to stumble and fall around these places, trying to keep it all together as completely as possible.
I know this blog is scattered and probably doesn't make a lot as sense but to my head, heart and soul it is good medicine.  
I recognize today that I am headed down a far to familiar road that I refuse to go down again.  I realize that people are going to hurt me for the rest of my life, some not meaning to and others dead set to do so.  But they can only hurt me if I allow them to.  I am growing stronger, I feel it, I know it.  I am not turning around now.  A new, stronger, more in control Judi is emerging.  Look out, cause life IS good, and I am going to live it MY way!!!

Short Term Memory ....What???

To say my memory isn't as good as it once was is an understatement.  I am thinking that sometimes that is not a bad thing!  I only wish it weren't such a selective thing.  Seems some good things are forgotten all too quickly where things that aren't so pleasant hang in there and bug me. 
Just what am I to do with those things, albeit little things mostly, that bug the crap out of me?  It can even be things that I tell myself I am going to forget about and not worry about.  And then....just when I haven't thought about in a long time, I get into a funk ...and BAM.....right in the forefront of my thoughts!  To fester and poke at my and add to my pile of crap!!!
Like life doesn't have enough drama without me getting my shorts in a knot because I loaned someone some money (not a lot) and I didn't want to and now I want to tell her how it aggravated me.  Or another friend I try to help who always lets me buy the stamps and gas, sometimes I take here out or to dinner, but she takes her other friends out when she has money.  And there are the friends that tell me ....if you need me I'll be there for you and whenever I have finally reached the point where I reach out....they aren't available?  Their memories are short too and I KNOW that I need to not take it personal, but I kinda do.  
Where in heck was I going with this...see I told you memory was not the greatest!  LOL  
Guess I just needed to vent a little bit.  I know other people are in the same boat and I realize I have been on the dishing out end of the said bad memory experience.  I hope I learn and keep my word and don't impose on people.  I hope I can always be a good friend and own it if I mess up.  But I always know that I have friends that will forget and forgive just as I do.  
I feel better just letting this out.
Without a lot of enthusiasm at this moment I continue to say.....Life is GOOD, Live it!!!