Another Chapter

Good morning!  A chill is in the air, the sun is shining, I'm up early and ready to face the day.  It does get better, it does get easier and time marches on.

I am grateful this morning for family and friends who stand beside me, who love me in moments that I hate myself, who have given up trying to figure me out and accept that I am weird  and set in my ways!

I am optimistic that life is promising me yet another opportunity.  I am looking forward to getting to know a very nice man who makes me feel special and wants to make me smile.  He is my opposite.  Reserved, professional, down to earth, logical and predictable. Where I am outgoing, bohemian, head in the clouds, heart lead and very unpredictable.  I told him I will teach him to fly and he can teach me to keep my feet on the ground.  We communicate very well and have both decided that is the key. We are looking for the same things in a partner and neither of us wants to change the other.  We are excited to spend some time together just getting to know one another!  We are looking forward to making some great memories on this trip and establishing a lasting relationship.

Closing another chapter in my life and starting a new one has not been easy.  Closure for me has been elusive.  Matthew's death, letting go of Daniel to live his life, ending my last relationship, and even learning to be on my own have challenged me in ways I cannot even explain.

I know I am strong, I know I will survive, I know I will move forward.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and mean it.  I want to get through the day without tears. I want to put my anxiety and my worry and my sadness behind me.  I want to experience deep peace. I want to enjoy that inner calmness that has evaded me for so long now.  I can sense it's near.  I can almost feel it for brief moments.  I long for the ache to leave my heart. 

I have room in my heart to love again, and I want it to be a pure love, a sweet love, a giving love. A love that knows the peace and calmness I am searching for.  A love that comes easily.  A love that will be returned, honestly and completely.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, none of us do. For today I am living my life, I am loving, I am willing to take one more chance. I am glad I am where I am, even though I struggle, I am coming out ahead of where I was yesterday.  It's another chapter in my life, the book is far from finished....I am sucker for a happy ending....Life is good!!!!

Finally Done And Feeling Free

It seems that life is finally moving forward for me again.  I am excited with the path that I am on.  But I find myself on shaky ground when it comes to the past and the hurt left behind.  Anti-climatic would be the word to partially sum up my feelings. You see, he didn't even give me an opportunity to end it in a way that gives me the satisfaction of closure.  A coward to the very end, he has avoided me, keeping a safe distance away, as if he knows what's coming. I'm certain he knows it's over, but I wanted to be the one to say the words.  I wanted to be the one to tell him the honest truth, that he is, without a doubt, the most selfish man I have ever known.  He took all I had to give and gave absolutely nothing in return.  

In hindsight, yes I know perfect vision hindsight, I knew I was fighting a losing battle.  But as any woman knows "we" can love them enough to win their heart and change them into the man of our dreams! But you know what I learned, not all men have a heart.  It's true!  Some men have only the instinct to do what feels good to them at any cost. They don't care who they hurt in the process. A cheating man hurts not only his mate, but the woman he cheats with.  The families get hurt because they see someone they love getting hurt. 

Yes it is supposed to be all hush-hush and HE is probably good at keeping it under wraps, but she (being me) needs to talk with someone about her dilemma.  She needs a sounding board and some kind of validation.  She has a conscience and  knows in her heart of hearts that she is doomed.   She really does care what others think but is so unaccepting of any reasonable advice.  She is blinded by what she thinks is the love of a man, who if she really could see logically, who is CHEATING for heavens sake!!  Is he capable of true love when he is cheating on his own wife?  I ran across a saying early on in the relationship that said, "if you love two women, chose the second, because if you loved the first one, there wouldn't be a second".  As crazy as it sounds, I believed it!  I truly thought this selfish man was capable of love and that he loved me.  Why, because he said so, and was risking his marriage to be with me.  Holy shit!

At any rate, it has run its course, it has run way too long. It has hurt way too much. It has consumed way too much of my life.  Even after ending it 3 times, the last time even telling his wife (who apparently doesn't care, after all they haven't had sex in 6 years and she never even confronted him), he still pretends he cares and wants to see me?  I wanted the satisfaction of telling him exactly how pathetic he is.  How heartless and selfish he is.  I wanted to tell him he lost!  I wanted to tell him that FINALLY I am OVER him and that I have someone who not only appreciates me but who knows how to give back in a relationship. Someone who puts me first.  It is so great to be able to go out in public, to share this great man with my family and friends. He has already proven to be 100 times more of a man than loser man could ever be.

I thought that I would never get over him, but I have. For that I am so very grateful.  It took lots of baby steps for me to break away, but today I am running full speed ahead, yes ahead, not away.  Running  into a new future. This isn't the end of life as I knew it,  it's the beginning of life as it should be.  I will build a new relationship based on truth and honesty and mutual respect.  David and I have very open and honest communication.  We both know what it is we are looking for in a partner and neither of us will settle for less.  He is not the first man I have dated since the end of my affair so for those who worry about me jumping from the pan into the fire, or rebounding, be assured I know what I'm doing, my eyes are open, I have my big girl panties on and I'm looking to live my life, to share my life with that special someone that will come along and be willing to share the journey with me.  He may be waiting for me right now...and I'm pretty sure he is!  And you know what....he already knows that I live my life my way...and he's excited about that....Ahhhh life is so good!!!!  Wish me luck, although luck really has very little to do with it, as I venture forth and go to spend some time with my David in PA.  We are both really looking forward to it!

Happy Anniversary

Another anniversary!  Another special occasion! Another date!  
Even though not a day goes by that I don't think about Matthew there are those days that are so hard to get through.  The what if's the if only's the I wishes.
Today, on what would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary the wounds are open and feel so fresh. The pain and total unfairness are overwhelming.  And even though I have moved forward I feel like I am right back there again, knowing that my wonderful husband is dying and that I am powerless to stop it! Reliving it all from beginning to end. Still questioning, still searching for meaning, still grasping for some sort of understanding and sense to the whole thing.  I want to cry out "Stop", "wake up", "please tell me this is all a horrid dream". But then I realize this is my reality.  A reality worse than nightmare. The love I have to give is still beating in my heart.  My heart doesn't understand that he is gone.  It needs to love. It tries to love. It wants to love.  What a mess I have made.  I let my heart love someone totally unworthy of the kind of love I carry in my heart. 
I know that there is someone out there that my heart can love as it did Matthew and that Matthew will be happy to allow in my life.  I know Matthew wants me to be loved in the same way he loved me, unashamed, totally and completely, treasured, valued and never ending! I know that he will help direct me and that he will show me how to let that love loose again and to accept being loved again.
I know that Matthew's life was full and happy, he truly lived a lifetime.  I know he is sad that I miss him so much and continue to grieve for him, but I also know he understands and he comforts me and he is watching out for me.  He has closed doors that I should not have walked through, but stubborn me pushed through them anyway.  But Matthew has remained there beside me, never tiring of picking me up, perhaps shaking his head, but still smiling that Matthew smile knowing I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do...living my life my way, crap and all...lol  Life is good and I'm gonna make it better....Thanks Matthew for still loving me...for still having my back and for the memories....I love you

?? What's The Question Again??

I've tried and tried to find happiness and fulfillment only to find myself tired, unhappy and empty.

What am I doing wrong?  The bigger question in my heart and mind right now is; What am I doing right?

Seems to me if I were doing what's right my life would be in much better shape.

All goes back to choices I guess.  What became of those choices I made?

I dumped my married lover, which hasn't worked out so well.  Put myself out into the dating world, which is a whole story in itself.  Allowed people to hurt me with their opinions and words, must love the pain.  Threw several pity parties, where I was the only guest.  I continue to isolate myself most of the time, and wonder why I am so sick and tired of my life, which is pretty much nonexistent.

So let me see what I can do about all this.  My lover is still in my life, wasn't strong enough to end it once and for all.  His space is not as big as it once was and is getting smaller each and every day that I have no contact with him.  Even after I see him it is not as devastating when he leaves and I don't hear from him for days at a time.  Actually I feel kind of sorry for him.  But that's not my problem to deal with.  I need to deal with ME.  This  free space has provided me with the opportunity to get back out there and find the man for me.  So what I did wrong in this choice was allow him to stay in my life.  What I did right was put it in better perspective.  I told him I was going to start seeing other people and I have.

Thus I entered back into the dating game, and "game" it is.  I don't know why I, after all I am an intelligent woman, am so stupid when it comes to these ridiculous dating sites.  Just because I try to be truthful and open, I somehow forget that not all people are the same.  Did you know there are men on these sites that actually say they are looking for a relationship and in fact are only looking for a booty call?  Did you know they will lie to you and represent themselves to be something they totally are NOT?  Am I aware that this goes on?  YES!!  But do I get sucked in?  YES!!  What the hell am I thinking?  I think I'm taking it slow and easy and watching for red flags.  I back off and push the delete button when things feel out of whack.  I love the power of "poof" be gone when deleting a contact who has shown his true colors.  But they still sneak in.  Mindless, apparently having no conscience whatsoever, men who prey on lonely, trusting women.  Even after spending hours, days and weeks conversing, first online, then texting and finally phone calls when you finally meet, you still have NO clue who they are!!  It's easy at first to weed out the booty call men.  The screw it up pretty quickly by asking 3 minutes into the conversation, "what are you wearing?" Or "what's your favorite position?"  For doing what?  Are you kidding me?  "Poof"...be gone. Awww that feeling of power for that brief moment! Then you get the ones that last a little bit longer. They will talk to you about your job and where you have lived.  Ask about your children and your day and even the weather.  Then it comes, "So you want to meet at your place and watch a movie?"  No you cheap ass, take me on a date, out in public where I don't have to wrestle with you on the couch for my virtue!!  Well that's what goes through my head at least.  But because I didn't say that they continue putting their foot in their mouths by saying something like, "bet you are a great kisser and did I tell you I love boobs?" Yeah like I am gonna ask you over.  That's the ones you quit taking calls from and hide the fact that you still have an account.  Something else that works on scaring them away is to say something like, "you sound like my next husband!"  Then they block you and change their number.  But occasionally  you find one that you intuition, hours of conversation and curiosity leads you to believe could genuinely be a nice guy who maybe really is looking for a relationship.  These are ones too that usually like you and you feel very little for them (but again that's another chapter).  So you meet up.  And maybe it's good and maybe not so good and maybe just okay. And that's where my problem is!!  No matter which way it goes I ALWAYS feel responsible for any negative things.  If it goes good and we both seem to enjoy it I always seem to have wishes like;  I wish he were taller, I wish he kissed better, I wish he would have held my hand, etc.  And if I have enjoyed and think he did to and he doesn't get back to me in short order, it's like what did I do or didn't I do?  He doesn't like me, why? When it's like the date from hell that will never end I just hang in there.  What for? I know it's not going anywhere but I don't want to hurt this guys feelings, even though he has lied about everything, including his name and the ugly truth is staring me right in the face, literally, yet I play nice. No wonder I am so frustrated!!  Yup I'm still waiting for that knight in shiny armor to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from my "oh poor me, how I've suffered, no one will ever love me again life"...I am so angry with myself!!!  Come on old girl....just how desperate are you??  So what I do wrong has got to be trusting the wrong people and not being more selective (although I thought I was) in who I date.  I know there has to be a better way to meet people, but I don't know how.  So what did I do right?  I don't see a single thing I did right.  Oh wait...yes I do...I don't give away free samples....LOL!!

Well after the tirade of the "dating games" I'm too tired to get into the other areas, so will save them for another time.  I'm going to keep believing there is a sensitive, loving, caring may who is not perfect but perfect for me just out of my sight and that one day he will move close enough for us to catch a glimpse of each other and we will clasp our hands together to lead each other into the sunset.  This is my life, my adventure and I will continue to live it my way and embellish it with my fantasy ending.  Keep loving who you love and fighting for your dreams and hold on tight to all that's precious to you.

Is This True?

I have not blogged for a while now.  Why?  Didn't want to hear the truth, didn't want to write the truth?  Perhaps you don't want to hear it either?

Here's the cold naked truth...most of us are freuds? 

Yes in one way or another we are all fakes.  Knockoffs, wanna be's or fabrications.  I am not withstanding of these phony's.  I say one thing, and maybe for the moment I mean it.  I do something else, always with a reason.  I tolerate dishonesty, I swallow falsehoods, I excuse ignorance.  I accept things I abhor.  I turn the other way when the truth is ugly or unpleasant.  I keep the truth from my friends when it might shine unfavorable on me or on them. Anyway you look at it it is lies!!  Pure lies.  

Oh don't stop me now I'm on a roll!!  

At this point in time I cannot stand arguments.  So how do I handle them......I walk away.  My feeling is that I won't justify their merit and simply leave without entering into it.  It serves it purpose.  I don't waste my time, energy or effort, nor do I help resolve an issue.  Cowards way out....perhaps...but I get home unscathed and self righteous.  Do I have an opinion?  You bet I do.  But no one can prove me wrong because I never entered it for the record.

There was a time when I made sure I was heard, that my stand had recognition.  But you know what?  I made no stand that held merit.  It was and still is only my opinion.  Why should my opinion hold more weight than anyone else's.  I only know what I know for ME!  What's right for me may not be right for anyone else on the planet.  Who am I to judge.  I can offer my experience to anyone who is going through similar circumstance and I so will, welcome to it.  But just because it did or didn't work for me may have NO bearing on you and what you are walking through.  As individuals we all walk a different path and march to different drummers.  Who I love and who I need to make me happy may be total and complete crap to you, just as who you love and who you need to make you happy may totally baffle me.  Who's wrong and who's right?  Dose it matter?  

Every moment of every single day is a mystical time when only we know what is happening.  We need to be in tune what our surroundings.  Only we need know what is happening.  Only we will reap the benefits.  We need to be who we are, what we are and glean what we receive.  

Yes we care about those around us and in our lives.  Yes we want what is best for them, but, it is not our responsibility to make them better people or make them believe in themselves.  It is hard enough to take care or ourselves!!  

I don't mean to sound selfish or self-centered.  But NO one is going to look out for me the same way I can look after ME.  Only I know my heart.  Only I know what makes me happy.  Only I know who I truly am.  Maybe only one moment at a time if that.

I am making a commitment to ME right here, right now, to take care of me!!  I love my friends, I love my family but we were all dealt the same cards.  We are all in the game of life.  We can stay, we can fold or we can play the hand we have.  I know me, I know what kind of person I am, I know I like me and want what is best for me.  It is time to bet it all and quit bluffing and win.  I am no longer willing to be something I am not.  I am no longer willing to bluff.  Like me or not I don't care.  I will stand for me and me alone.  I won't make a scene, I won't play light, I will play my cards, walk away with my head held high and fade into the night.  I have no point to make, just living life my way to the very best of my ability!!

It is my life, I will live it my way, not out to offend anyone or change anyone.  It's your life....you live anyway you want....I'll not interfere with you and I ask that you be as respectful of me......If I want your opinion or advice I promise I will ask for it.

FML

I hate gray days!!  Especially when it matches my mood.  Yep, I'm having one of those days.  One of those days that it the earth opened up and swallowed me I would ever so grateful!  Staying in bed and pulling the covers over my head isn't helping at all! Being broke I can't even afford to go on a junk food eating binge.  So here I am, letting the words out, probably going to regret it when I read this in a few days but....FML!!!!  The problem is I have no life.  And it's my own damn fault!!  Calling on my will power to handle a situation and finding I am powerless is pissing me off!!  

My old standby of running is out of the question. Harming myself is WAY out of the question!! So I have no choice but to man up, make some extremely hard decisions, quit crying and daydreaming, STOP listening to my depraved heart and figure out what the hell it is I want!!  I need to take a stand and fight.  I need to quit being a needy whiny woman and set some boundaries and deadlines.  And most of all I need to stick to them.

I am tired of my head saying you can do this, you deserve that and my heart making me feel like a helpless twit!  Love should not hurt this bad.  

Looking For My Last First Kiss

Remember when you gave your best friend a note to give the boy you had a crush on?  The note would say, "Do you like me yes or no, circle your answer".  Remember your mom telling you "he only teases you because he likes you"?  And remember hanging out wherever the boys were in hopes that special boy would notice you?  I am here to tell you things have changed!

I have been trying to utilize the world of online dating sites and what a mess!  In one single day I was stood up, bald-faced lied to (more than once), insulted,  purposed to, for more than marriage, and kept awake all night!

I do believe the days of harmless flirtations, notes, and being in the right place at the right time are gone forever. Men and women troll the internet highways and byways looking for their next conquest with alarming speed.  There is no regard for truth whatsoever.  There is nothing personal or even human in the search.  

I have a friend that is out on a turkey shoot.  This morning he sent me a text saying the weather is great  the turkeys are not cooperating though.  I sent one back that said "LOL...ummmmm can't say as I blame them, shall I crawl out of my nice warm bed and run around in circles outside so some guy can shoot me or shall I stay put?"  That brought to mind my dating site fiasco!  It's kind of like a turkey shoot.

What possessed me to go onto this site, write an ad for myself, try to sell myself to total strangers and expect different results?  And to top it all off, why do I get so upset when it doesn't work?  They are strangers!!!!  They don't give a shit!  They don't know me nor do the want to.  They want to get their dicks wet.  They want to put another notch on their cyber headboards.

And the older they are, they worse they are.  All of a sudden these middle aged, and older, men think they are god's gift to women.  They think they are sexy beyond belief and can give her the world both in bed and out.  Really?  Get a grip guys and look in the mirror.  That "athletic" body you have...ummm  not so much.  Those hot,sexy eyes on your face, look again, they are a little crossed and saggy.  And when you can't write a sentence using proper English...well let me tell you....that's does NOT impress me much even though you claim to have a PHD.

The profiles that say "looking for a relationship" are a laugh.  They are looking for "relations" only.  Preferable with NO strings.  They make up a screen name with some sexual tones to it like; MakeUscream69 and that is supposed to get your attention and lure you into their bed for some love and respect.  They may say, "financially secure man seeks stable woman" really means, "I might have a couple of bucks, which I won't be spending on you, let's have a roll in the hay they grab your stuff and be on your way."  No involvement, to commitment, nothing personal.  

One guy that I was chatting with (can't say talking, they all want to "chat") said he thought we should meet.  I agreed that that might be fun.  When he asked me when I was free and I replied that my calender was pretty open and went on to explain how I had too much free time, blah, blah, blah the conversation totally changed.  When I tried to put a person into the conversation, rather that a piece of ass he suddenly was no longer interested.  Suddenly he had to get off line as he had to work early.  The pursuit ended and I pretended to leave,  only to watch as 2 1/2 hours later Mr Had To Go To Work was still working the site for a quick dick fix.  

Nameless people playing games.  It's not about getting to know someone, exchanging phone numbers, going out on a date to learn more about them.  It's not about becoming attracted to each other and wanting to be together.  It's about how quickly can I get this person to bed.  They don't even care if they like you as long as you give out the goods.

I made a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago to meet over breakfast.  He said he would come to me and we made plans to meet at a local cafe.  The afternoon before our meeting he sent me a message, via the site we met on, saying his mom had taken a turn for the worse and he needed to be there.  I sent back my regards and told him of course I understood.  A week later he drops me another message asking if I would care to try meeting for breakfast again.  Friday, same time same place.  I again agreed and gave him my phone number in case something came up..lol.  The appointed time came on Friday and I went to the cafe.  Couldn't find the guy.  It's car show weekend and the place was full of strange guys, it was creepy! I went back outside and waited, 15 minutes later I got in my truck and came home.  No message from the guy, no call, no nothing.  I left him a message, like a fool, giving him the benefit of the doubt, telling him I hope everything is okay.  No I don't...I hope he bites his damn tongue off!  Anyway I have heard NOTHING from him.  And I let this bother me?  LOL.

The thing is, so many of us would rather go through this humiliation and take a risk with some pretty questionable people than be alone.  Some of us have that need to have someone in our life so badly that we turn to stupid websites because we don't know where else to turn.  When we should be out interacting with real people we are sitting on computers trying to FIND real people.  Hiding behind the screen we can be, and so can they,whoever we want or perceive ourselves to be.  There is NOTHING real about that.  And when the people you are trying to be real with are not and probably believe you are not either where could it possibly go?

I want a real life, I want a real relationship with a real man.  Time I get real and do something about it!  It is MY life after all, there is no easy fix for loneliness, there is not easy answer in figuring out where HE might be.  I am not giving up the search, but I am giving up the means. No more profile saying "Looking For My Last First Kiss".  I'm living my life, my way.