Sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled...lol Some make no sense and some just keep spinning 'round and 'round. I have found that often if I am dwelling on something, trying to make sense of it or digest it or rid my mind of the clutter of it if I write about it I can settle it in my head.
Today I find myself thinking about forgiveness...In my mind there is a thin line between forgiving and forgetting. I forgive readily, I don't forget so easily. I don't leave myself open to the thing that I forgave again if I can help it. Recently I had a conversation with someone who said to me "how can you except God to forgive you if you don't practice to forgive?" Yikes...wrong thing to say to me, but it has festered in my thoughts for some time now. I told this person to hold up, don't even go there with me....and shut myself off from him almost immediately. My spirituality is mine to deal with and NO one else's. So we won't venture there at this point. This is what I've figured out....If someone hurts me, or someone I hold dear in my heart, I back away. I know that we all handle pressures, stressors and life's circumstances differently. I work very hard on trying not to judge. And if I'm hurt or someone I love is hurt by a particular person I may or may not have something to forgive. At any rate I simply remove myself from the situation. If I had something to forgive I forgive under the heading of "That's who they are and they probably have not idea what they've done or how to fix it." But.....I do not chose to participate in their drama or repeat the same drama over and over again. If you know someone stuck in a pattern of bad choices or bad behavior get the hell out!!! I have been around long enough in dysfunctional life styles that I know I cannot fix this person or even help them in a constructive way so why bring the pain to my own doorstep? No I have not lost my compassion or objectivity, I have learned my limitations. I lose enough sleep over my own bad choices or insensitivities, I certainly don't need to borrow someone else's drama! I look at certain events in my past and wonder why I spent so much time agonizing over people and circumstances that I had and never will have any control over. I can still love someone and wish them all the luck in the world and not become involved in their drama. I have forgiven what needs to be forgiven but I have not and probably will not forget. I am smart enough not to be indebted to finding myself sucked into their chaos. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to be condoning of their misery and certainly don't have to be a part of it. We are all individuals who make choices and take different paths. I am responsible for the road I travel and I accept that. I listen and learn when I chose just like everyone else. I have tried to help people that chose not to be helped. Does that mean I have to continue to try to help them, no it does not. If I can live with the fact that I have no control over them and their choices they will have to accept that. I will not beat my head or my heart against a brick wall any longer. It is true that when someone I love hurts I hurt for them. But if that person keeps making the same mistakes and has used my compassion up with bad choices and lies and disrespect it is time for me to step back and draw a line for my own self preservation and peace. It may seem selfish to some but to me it is a matter of taking care of myself. I've given and given and given over the years trying to make peace for everyone and worried when I know the people I was worried about never gave thought to my concern. I'm simply done. Time for my life to be peaceful even if some people think me wrong. After all it is my life and it's none of my business what others think! There comes a time when we all must carry our own burdens, and if we burn all of our bridges we have to carry them alone. There are many times when I struggle to carry my own and I know I have burned some bridges and it's okay because I'm stronger than I have ever been. It's truly my life and I'm living it to the best of my ability and enjoying it as I go. If I make mistakes I forgive myself, learn from them and keep on moving forward.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
I Don't Know
I don't seem to know much these days. I find myself frustrated with life, with people, with myself and am not even certain why? Health wise I am great, I am eating healthy and losing weight but don't seem to be too motivated to workout or even walk like I used to. I find myself spending most of my time alone, going out alone and actually enjoying it. I have no patience for drama or those who bring it. I feel like I am fed up with the status quo.
I know I have made a lot of changes in my life, some are good, but perhaps others are not. I can't explain myself. I know I need, or at least want, to make some changes, I know I want certain things to happen in my life, I just am not sure what to do to implement these changes.
I feel I know myself better now than I ever have and I'm puzzled by some of the things I have discovered about myself. I don't know if I've evolved or have simply been hiding some truths about myself so well I didn't even know them. Paradigm shifts have taken place that I never saw coming.
This thing called "life" is so complicated. I know I tend to overthink things at times. I know other times I don't think. I want to hit that happy medium and be more confident in my decisions.
I need to balance my wants and my needs. They are, after all, 2 entirely different things. I of course, like everyone else, would like my needs to be met. I would like my wants to be realistic and achievable.
I again must remind myself that I can control only myself, and sometimes that is a challenge. I need to stop setting myself up for failure. I need to surround myself with positive and walk away from negative. I need to be kind and caring without being used and taken for granted. I need to take risks to discover my own happiness.
My own company is getting better. My reasoning is taking on new dimensions, allowing my to see more than one scenario before me. I have found that I have enough empathy to be able to put myself in another's shoes and for the first time see why they don't see things my way. My way is not always the only way or the right way, something I have always said but maybe didn't fully believe? Is compromise something that I need to work on? Where is the line between compromise and giving in to the point where one feels used, abused or fooled?
Well, what I do know today is the sun is shining. It's bitter cold outside, but here inside with my little granddaughter who never ceases to make me smile and gives me unconditional trust and love, it's warm and comfortable. And for today that's all I need. I can't solve all my issues and change in one day. I am a work in progress. I am who I am and if I change or evolve I will still be me, have my heart, feel my feelings and move forward, even if just an inch at a time.
I'm up for the challenge. I accept my journey, I will continue to learn, to change and to live my life. I am my partner for life and need to be comfortable in my own skin. This is my life, I'm doing in my way and I'll not give up until I get it right!
I know I have made a lot of changes in my life, some are good, but perhaps others are not. I can't explain myself. I know I need, or at least want, to make some changes, I know I want certain things to happen in my life, I just am not sure what to do to implement these changes.
I feel I know myself better now than I ever have and I'm puzzled by some of the things I have discovered about myself. I don't know if I've evolved or have simply been hiding some truths about myself so well I didn't even know them. Paradigm shifts have taken place that I never saw coming.
This thing called "life" is so complicated. I know I tend to overthink things at times. I know other times I don't think. I want to hit that happy medium and be more confident in my decisions.
I need to balance my wants and my needs. They are, after all, 2 entirely different things. I of course, like everyone else, would like my needs to be met. I would like my wants to be realistic and achievable.
I again must remind myself that I can control only myself, and sometimes that is a challenge. I need to stop setting myself up for failure. I need to surround myself with positive and walk away from negative. I need to be kind and caring without being used and taken for granted. I need to take risks to discover my own happiness.
My own company is getting better. My reasoning is taking on new dimensions, allowing my to see more than one scenario before me. I have found that I have enough empathy to be able to put myself in another's shoes and for the first time see why they don't see things my way. My way is not always the only way or the right way, something I have always said but maybe didn't fully believe? Is compromise something that I need to work on? Where is the line between compromise and giving in to the point where one feels used, abused or fooled?
Well, what I do know today is the sun is shining. It's bitter cold outside, but here inside with my little granddaughter who never ceases to make me smile and gives me unconditional trust and love, it's warm and comfortable. And for today that's all I need. I can't solve all my issues and change in one day. I am a work in progress. I am who I am and if I change or evolve I will still be me, have my heart, feel my feelings and move forward, even if just an inch at a time.
I'm up for the challenge. I accept my journey, I will continue to learn, to change and to live my life. I am my partner for life and need to be comfortable in my own skin. This is my life, I'm doing in my way and I'll not give up until I get it right!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Made It Through....Never A Doubt
Okay, it's February 1st and once again I've made it through. This one was tougher than I remember last year being, I'm puzzled by that, why? Am I fearful that my memories are fading, am I saddened because I continue to move forward with my life, and do I feel guilty? Am I betraying Matthew?
Beginning with Thanksgiving each year Matthew is in my thoughts and on my heart constantly. He LOVED Thanksgiving and it was a major production in our home, many times inviting anyone and everyone who had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a full house plus most of the time and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Christmas was MY thing and he indulged me. He knew my traditions were set in stone and as new ideas popped into my head he allowed me to run the show. He humored my Santa belief and made sure my expectations were met. He loved to give and give he did. Then came his birthday on January 8th. He was proud to share his birthday with the late great Elvis Presley. He used to tell people his birthday was the same as Elvis! Usually his birthday was very uneventful as we were nursing our budget from Christmas. Thankfully that last birthday I had managed to save a few bucks and we were able to have a weekend get away, just the two of us. I am so grateful to have that memory. The worst date is January 31st. The day Matthew departed from this world. Every moment of that morning is etched in my brain. That helpless feeling. The panic when he drew his last breath. The emptiness as I was lead from his room. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness when 3 days later I returned to what was once our home. Looking at the pain in my children's faces tortured my heart. How would we survive? How could we go on without the heart of our family?
The first year was the worst. Everything brought memories and pain. Songs, holidays, TV shows, movies, weather, foods, you name it it hurt. Bouts of pure despair were constant. Leaving Texas was painful yet healing. Returning to WI was painful, yet I felt closer to Matthew and more at home. As the years have passed I have found peace more often than not. Yet that time period from Thanksgiving through January 31st is rough. So when I get through it and allow myself to take that deep cleansing breath on February 1st I am pretty proud that I made it! I wonder if I am punishing myself to so extent. I know Matthew would not want that. I know he wants me to live a full happy life and I can do that and still honor him, remember him and love him. My memories are not fading, how can they, I hold them near and dear to my heart. I am moving on with my life because that is meant to be, no going back, no staying in one place. As for guilt, I have no reason to feel guilty. I am not betraying Matthew, I am continuing my life exactly as I should, exactly as he would want me to do.
Yes I made it through and I will continue to make it through no doubt. I made a promise to myself a while back to take control of my life and live it my way. I've made some concessions and may need to rethink a few things but I have no doubt that my life is and will continue to be good and fulfilling. After all it is MY life and I am doing it MY way.
Beginning with Thanksgiving each year Matthew is in my thoughts and on my heart constantly. He LOVED Thanksgiving and it was a major production in our home, many times inviting anyone and everyone who had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a full house plus most of the time and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Christmas was MY thing and he indulged me. He knew my traditions were set in stone and as new ideas popped into my head he allowed me to run the show. He humored my Santa belief and made sure my expectations were met. He loved to give and give he did. Then came his birthday on January 8th. He was proud to share his birthday with the late great Elvis Presley. He used to tell people his birthday was the same as Elvis! Usually his birthday was very uneventful as we were nursing our budget from Christmas. Thankfully that last birthday I had managed to save a few bucks and we were able to have a weekend get away, just the two of us. I am so grateful to have that memory. The worst date is January 31st. The day Matthew departed from this world. Every moment of that morning is etched in my brain. That helpless feeling. The panic when he drew his last breath. The emptiness as I was lead from his room. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness when 3 days later I returned to what was once our home. Looking at the pain in my children's faces tortured my heart. How would we survive? How could we go on without the heart of our family?
The first year was the worst. Everything brought memories and pain. Songs, holidays, TV shows, movies, weather, foods, you name it it hurt. Bouts of pure despair were constant. Leaving Texas was painful yet healing. Returning to WI was painful, yet I felt closer to Matthew and more at home. As the years have passed I have found peace more often than not. Yet that time period from Thanksgiving through January 31st is rough. So when I get through it and allow myself to take that deep cleansing breath on February 1st I am pretty proud that I made it! I wonder if I am punishing myself to so extent. I know Matthew would not want that. I know he wants me to live a full happy life and I can do that and still honor him, remember him and love him. My memories are not fading, how can they, I hold them near and dear to my heart. I am moving on with my life because that is meant to be, no going back, no staying in one place. As for guilt, I have no reason to feel guilty. I am not betraying Matthew, I am continuing my life exactly as I should, exactly as he would want me to do.
Yes I made it through and I will continue to make it through no doubt. I made a promise to myself a while back to take control of my life and live it my way. I've made some concessions and may need to rethink a few things but I have no doubt that my life is and will continue to be good and fulfilling. After all it is MY life and I am doing it MY way.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Ripples and Waves
My entire trip has been much different than I had envisioned. I have come to see in the grand scheme of things I am merely a ripple in the grand sea of life. Ripples don't necessarily make changes in the water the way waves do. They simply move on through the water to their destination. Often unnoticed these ripples sometimes carry bits and pieces of life remnants with them. It's not until these ripples join together at the end of a journey can one see the beauty each experience has contributed to the adventure of life.
My adventures are far from over and I hope that the truths I have discovered on this leg of my journey will serve me well. To remind me how precious my loved ones are to me, how important it is to show kindness and consideration in words and deed, and how to share the enormous love I have in my heart and soul. Not everyone is accepting, not everyone is capable, and certainly not everyone wants to be embraced by light in the same manner that's what makes us unique.
As I move forward in my life it is my hope that those I come in contact with get a sense of how much I love and care about them. I may not change their lives like a crashing wave but I hope my ripples enhance their life experiences.
My adventures are far from over and I hope that the truths I have discovered on this leg of my journey will serve me well. To remind me how precious my loved ones are to me, how important it is to show kindness and consideration in words and deed, and how to share the enormous love I have in my heart and soul. Not everyone is accepting, not everyone is capable, and certainly not everyone wants to be embraced by light in the same manner that's what makes us unique.
As I move forward in my life it is my hope that those I come in contact with get a sense of how much I love and care about them. I may not change their lives like a crashing wave but I hope my ripples enhance their life experiences.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Happy 25th Anniversary Matthew
How is it possible that Matthew has been gone for 5 years? The time has flew at times and dragged at other times. The memories are still crystal clear and strong. The pain has faded but still comes, especially with special occasions. This year would have brought our silver anniversary. An anniversary that had looked forward to and talked about and made plans for.
It's funny how my sub conscience knew before my mind grasped the fact that our anniversary was coming. For days I had felt out of sorts and emotional, then it dawned on me...
I find solace in writing to Matthew. I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts hoping my words find their way to a heart that needs to read them. I have faith that my dear sweet Matthew sees them and they make his heart smile as thoughts of him certainly make my heart smile. I wrote this message to my dear husband this morning.
Oh Matthew, the last few days a flood of memories have replayed through my mind. Twenty five years! Today we would have been married 25years! Our Silver Wedding Anniversary was to be such a special occasion. We had Hawaii in out sights remember. We talked about our children pooling together and sending us off in grand style, okay, I'm sure that part was a stretch, but nonetheless our plans included a romantic Hawaiian getaway.
Our plans.....my how things change. Our plans were to grow old together, to travel the country and visit our children and grandchildren as much as we wanted, to nap any time we wanted and to love each other forever.
This morning as remember you I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I can't help but mourn the fact that our story never had the fairy tale ending that we dreamed of. But our story isn't over. Our love story lives on in what we leave behind. We created life together, we created memories together and we created a legacy for those we love and care about.
When I look at our children I see you. I remember your proud loving face as you instantly fell in love with our sons. I remember you lovingly caring for them. I remember you cradling David as we walked the floor, both of us crying, when he suffered with night terrors. I remember your vigilance when we had to do blood sugars on Daniel all through the night. I remember all the selfless sacrifices you made for our family Matthew.
I was incredibly fortunate to have had you as my husband Beebers! The unconditional love you showered me with was an amazing gift. You took a woman that had been badly bruised by the harshness of life and you showed her that love could indeed be beautiful. You taught me to trust again. I remember you asking me, "do you trust me?" And I did.
Happy Anniversary my special angel! 💜💖
I miss you Matthew, I miss what we had. I love you still, always will. At the end of the day our love story was as it was supposed to be.
It's funny how my sub conscience knew before my mind grasped the fact that our anniversary was coming. For days I had felt out of sorts and emotional, then it dawned on me...
I find solace in writing to Matthew. I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts hoping my words find their way to a heart that needs to read them. I have faith that my dear sweet Matthew sees them and they make his heart smile as thoughts of him certainly make my heart smile. I wrote this message to my dear husband this morning.
Oh Matthew, the last few days a flood of memories have replayed through my mind. Twenty five years! Today we would have been married 25years! Our Silver Wedding Anniversary was to be such a special occasion. We had Hawaii in out sights remember. We talked about our children pooling together and sending us off in grand style, okay, I'm sure that part was a stretch, but nonetheless our plans included a romantic Hawaiian getaway.
Our plans.....my how things change. Our plans were to grow old together, to travel the country and visit our children and grandchildren as much as we wanted, to nap any time we wanted and to love each other forever.
This morning as remember you I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I can't help but mourn the fact that our story never had the fairy tale ending that we dreamed of. But our story isn't over. Our love story lives on in what we leave behind. We created life together, we created memories together and we created a legacy for those we love and care about.
When I look at our children I see you. I remember your proud loving face as you instantly fell in love with our sons. I remember you lovingly caring for them. I remember you cradling David as we walked the floor, both of us crying, when he suffered with night terrors. I remember your vigilance when we had to do blood sugars on Daniel all through the night. I remember all the selfless sacrifices you made for our family Matthew.
I was incredibly fortunate to have had you as my husband Beebers! The unconditional love you showered me with was an amazing gift. You took a woman that had been badly bruised by the harshness of life and you showed her that love could indeed be beautiful. You taught me to trust again. I remember you asking me, "do you trust me?" And I did.
Happy Anniversary my special angel! 💜💖
I miss you Matthew, I miss what we had. I love you still, always will. At the end of the day our love story was as it was supposed to be.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Today Is A New Day
As I sit here this morning along side my sweet David I am reminded of simple things. Simple things we often take for granted. Simple things that might sound dull or boring to others when shared. I love the simple things with him. Even the simple things are comforting and exciting at the same time. Right now we are both on our laptops, he is reading articles to help me better understand my new chrome book and android and I am writing about him. Both pursuing our interests but sharing the same space. Just being next to him makes everything sweeter. Looking up and watching him scroll through the articles he is browsing makes me smile. Reaching out and touching his hand brings such pleasure. Talking quietly about technology is rewarding to my heart. Even when silent we are sharing our existence. We are both very aware of the other. We have both come to the conclusion that our world is a better place with the other being a part of it. The feeling of awe in my spirit makes me giddy. The completeness I feel with him next to me is indescribable. How did I get so lucky?
Everyday is special because we experience things anew! What do I mean by that? When I got up this morning, as I do every morning, it was the first time I ever woke up on this date, Tuesday July 7, 2015. It's the first time I lived on this date and in essences every single thing I do today will be new to this day! So if I don't take things for granted everything can be new and exciting! I can see things with new eyes. Experience things from a new prospective and appreciate things I didn't appreciate yesterday.
I am excited that I get to spend several days with my wonderful man and I can tell you, I plan to make the most of it. I plan to be appreciative of him and his kindnesses, I plan to show kindness and love at every opportunity. I plan to make sweet memories and enjoy every moment we share. It is the first time we have shared THIS day together. I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to show him how special and important he is to me. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with him. And I am extremely lucky to have him in my life!! And you know what? He is extremely lucky to have me too! We are a good fit and balance each other out very well. We are beyond lucky to have found each other and we both are very aware of that fact! We reached an agreement early on in our relationship that I would teach him to fly and he would teach me to touch down safely. And that works for us.
Today I will live my life to the fullest and I will share my dreams and love with this wonderful man! Life is so good and I am so happy that I get to live it with David by my side. I am happy to share him with my family and friends. I am flying high and know that when I'm ready to land I will be safely directed in for a smooth landing by my rock of a man! Life is good...live it and love it!!!!
Everyday is special because we experience things anew! What do I mean by that? When I got up this morning, as I do every morning, it was the first time I ever woke up on this date, Tuesday July 7, 2015. It's the first time I lived on this date and in essences every single thing I do today will be new to this day! So if I don't take things for granted everything can be new and exciting! I can see things with new eyes. Experience things from a new prospective and appreciate things I didn't appreciate yesterday.
I am excited that I get to spend several days with my wonderful man and I can tell you, I plan to make the most of it. I plan to be appreciative of him and his kindnesses, I plan to show kindness and love at every opportunity. I plan to make sweet memories and enjoy every moment we share. It is the first time we have shared THIS day together. I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to show him how special and important he is to me. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with him. And I am extremely lucky to have him in my life!! And you know what? He is extremely lucky to have me too! We are a good fit and balance each other out very well. We are beyond lucky to have found each other and we both are very aware of that fact! We reached an agreement early on in our relationship that I would teach him to fly and he would teach me to touch down safely. And that works for us.
Today I will live my life to the fullest and I will share my dreams and love with this wonderful man! Life is so good and I am so happy that I get to live it with David by my side. I am happy to share him with my family and friends. I am flying high and know that when I'm ready to land I will be safely directed in for a smooth landing by my rock of a man! Life is good...live it and love it!!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Owning Up
Today I am thinking about people in general and our inability to own up to our shortcomings and mistakes.
We are so quick to place blame and make excuses for our actions. We readily see the flaws in others and have very little compassion for the transgressions of others, even when we have been in the exact same place.
I wonder how we can look into the mirror at our own reflection and take ourselves so seriously knowing who we really are?
Most of know we are not perfect. Most of us accept that we have made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes, bad choices and exercise poor judgement. A lot, if not all of us, minimize this. Many of us sit in judgement of those we see struggling to get through life with some dignity, muddling through mistakes and mishaps. When we remember we have struggled, we have made mistakes, and we are far from perfect we can soften our heart and find compassion. If we constantly place blame and find fault with everyone but ourselves however, peace will indeed be illusive.
Particularly in a relationship, be it a romantic, friendship, co workers or even neighbors, finger pointing, and blame placing are such negative aspects that the relationship can be totally ripped apart and repair can be difficult if not impossible. All because of that mentality of "what you did was so much worse than what I did". Own it! For crying out loud we cannot run away from our responsibility of self. Others see and know we are not perfect, why can we not accept that ourselves? Bitterness and unhappiness are killers of joy and peace. Looking for others to blame for your circumstances and failures will eat you alive.
In short I want to accept my shortcomings, strive to be a better person and love myself. I want to not be judgmental and know when to walk away from toxic relationships. I want to care without being taken advantage of. I want to go to bed at night thinking, "I have enjoyed my life today and I did it my way without judgement and I'm happy".
I have finally realize that indeed all things have a season and sometimes things end and its okay. Other things move into our lives and bring new ideas, situations and experiences. Moving forward often is painful, but it is so very rewarding.
The first step in any journey is knowing where we want to go and who we want to be. We must own our feelings and our mistakes. That's how we grown. We need to like what we see in the mirror. If we don't like what we see in our own skin it will be very hard to like anyone else.
I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. I have come to have a respect for myself that I never had before. I like it. I like feeling a little more in control of my feelings, my future. I am truly living my life my way and I am loving it!
We are so quick to place blame and make excuses for our actions. We readily see the flaws in others and have very little compassion for the transgressions of others, even when we have been in the exact same place.
I wonder how we can look into the mirror at our own reflection and take ourselves so seriously knowing who we really are?
Most of know we are not perfect. Most of us accept that we have made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes, bad choices and exercise poor judgement. A lot, if not all of us, minimize this. Many of us sit in judgement of those we see struggling to get through life with some dignity, muddling through mistakes and mishaps. When we remember we have struggled, we have made mistakes, and we are far from perfect we can soften our heart and find compassion. If we constantly place blame and find fault with everyone but ourselves however, peace will indeed be illusive.
Particularly in a relationship, be it a romantic, friendship, co workers or even neighbors, finger pointing, and blame placing are such negative aspects that the relationship can be totally ripped apart and repair can be difficult if not impossible. All because of that mentality of "what you did was so much worse than what I did". Own it! For crying out loud we cannot run away from our responsibility of self. Others see and know we are not perfect, why can we not accept that ourselves? Bitterness and unhappiness are killers of joy and peace. Looking for others to blame for your circumstances and failures will eat you alive.
In short I want to accept my shortcomings, strive to be a better person and love myself. I want to not be judgmental and know when to walk away from toxic relationships. I want to care without being taken advantage of. I want to go to bed at night thinking, "I have enjoyed my life today and I did it my way without judgement and I'm happy".
I have finally realize that indeed all things have a season and sometimes things end and its okay. Other things move into our lives and bring new ideas, situations and experiences. Moving forward often is painful, but it is so very rewarding.
The first step in any journey is knowing where we want to go and who we want to be. We must own our feelings and our mistakes. That's how we grown. We need to like what we see in the mirror. If we don't like what we see in our own skin it will be very hard to like anyone else.
I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. I have come to have a respect for myself that I never had before. I like it. I like feeling a little more in control of my feelings, my future. I am truly living my life my way and I am loving it!
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Change Is Not Always Bad
It has been quite some time since I last blogged. Again no specific reason. Life happens and I get side tracked and put it off. Before I know it months have passed. I have thought of writing many times and am sorry I didn't as lots has been going on with me. Lots of changes, lots of paradigm shifts, lots of life.
I suddenly realize I have a new sense of myself. New priorities, new goals and interests and an urgency for change. They say if you aren't happy things need to change and change can be a very scary thing. Especially when you change and those around you don't. I am no longer content to stand still and let life dictate to me. I want to shake up my life, take control and change for the better. This may lead to changing many things in my life. As my interest change I am no longer happy doing some of the things I used to do. I am happier alone than being with people I find less and less in common with and doing things that no longer bring me pleasure.
I have heard it said many times that some things are just for a season or two and when it's time to move on we know it. I have spent several very long seasons unhappy and not knowing it. I have always been a care taker and now that I have no one to care for it has become apparent that I need to care for ME. I don't need anyone's approval to change and make myself my priority. And if the people in my life don't like the changes I have decided to make I think that season has come to an end. There is so much more to life than I have experienced, so many things I want to experience and roads I want to travel. As humans we tend to limit ourselves. Be it fear or lack of imagination or commitments we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with, we give up and stay stuck in life's demands and forget who we are and what we want.
I may not know exactly what it is I want at this very moment but I do know this isn't it. I'm so tired of excuses and complaining and wallowing. I'm so tired of this nothingness in my mind. This endless desire to do SOMETHING new, something challenging, something out of the ordinary.
I know I have changed a lot in the past months. I know some of my friends and family are wondering what's going on and why I've changed. It's not a bad thing. It's not them. It's simply me trying to emerge from the ashes and become independent, stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. I no longer carry the worries of all those around me. It's not that I am not compassionate, I always will be, it's just that I have finally seen people so consumed with the woes of others they can hardly function for themselves. People so fearful of everyday life that they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures for worrying about what "might" happen. Life is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest, not dreaded, not placed on a shelf and admired, not put off until we get around it to but lived, and enjoyed and shared with those who have similar interest.
Being the heart lead person I have always been for far too long now I have let my heart blindly lead me astray. I have found a balance between my head and heart the past few months that I was not even sure existed before. Oh believe me when I say my heart and my head have battled more than once over this, and I do slip back into one-sided thinking more often than I care to admit, but I am making headway. I am happy with the direction I am moving. After all I'm moving in the right direction. Not going backward, and no longer standing still, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Baby steps, little mistakes, bruised feelings and days of uncertainty are a part of my journey but at the end of the day I see progress and that makes me happy.
I am head over heels in love with David. There isn't much I would not do for him. But for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to look ahead and say, "If this doesn't work out, I will not die. I will simply move ahead and find happiness on my own." I know it's much easier said than done. But I have to look where I've already been. I have to recognize what I have survived already. I have already learned to do much more by myself than I ever wanted to do. But I'm tired of being disappointed and I am working very hard on not disappointing myself. I no longer want to depend on others for my happiness. I know huh? Sounds like a grown up writing this! I know some of you are saying "I told her this before" and yes some of you did, but you know yourself self realization is what works. But thanks for trying.
Ultimately I have to say this is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it right now. I'm living my way because it's MY life!!
I suddenly realize I have a new sense of myself. New priorities, new goals and interests and an urgency for change. They say if you aren't happy things need to change and change can be a very scary thing. Especially when you change and those around you don't. I am no longer content to stand still and let life dictate to me. I want to shake up my life, take control and change for the better. This may lead to changing many things in my life. As my interest change I am no longer happy doing some of the things I used to do. I am happier alone than being with people I find less and less in common with and doing things that no longer bring me pleasure.
I have heard it said many times that some things are just for a season or two and when it's time to move on we know it. I have spent several very long seasons unhappy and not knowing it. I have always been a care taker and now that I have no one to care for it has become apparent that I need to care for ME. I don't need anyone's approval to change and make myself my priority. And if the people in my life don't like the changes I have decided to make I think that season has come to an end. There is so much more to life than I have experienced, so many things I want to experience and roads I want to travel. As humans we tend to limit ourselves. Be it fear or lack of imagination or commitments we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with, we give up and stay stuck in life's demands and forget who we are and what we want.
I may not know exactly what it is I want at this very moment but I do know this isn't it. I'm so tired of excuses and complaining and wallowing. I'm so tired of this nothingness in my mind. This endless desire to do SOMETHING new, something challenging, something out of the ordinary.
I know I have changed a lot in the past months. I know some of my friends and family are wondering what's going on and why I've changed. It's not a bad thing. It's not them. It's simply me trying to emerge from the ashes and become independent, stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. I no longer carry the worries of all those around me. It's not that I am not compassionate, I always will be, it's just that I have finally seen people so consumed with the woes of others they can hardly function for themselves. People so fearful of everyday life that they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures for worrying about what "might" happen. Life is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest, not dreaded, not placed on a shelf and admired, not put off until we get around it to but lived, and enjoyed and shared with those who have similar interest.
Being the heart lead person I have always been for far too long now I have let my heart blindly lead me astray. I have found a balance between my head and heart the past few months that I was not even sure existed before. Oh believe me when I say my heart and my head have battled more than once over this, and I do slip back into one-sided thinking more often than I care to admit, but I am making headway. I am happy with the direction I am moving. After all I'm moving in the right direction. Not going backward, and no longer standing still, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Baby steps, little mistakes, bruised feelings and days of uncertainty are a part of my journey but at the end of the day I see progress and that makes me happy.
I am head over heels in love with David. There isn't much I would not do for him. But for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to look ahead and say, "If this doesn't work out, I will not die. I will simply move ahead and find happiness on my own." I know it's much easier said than done. But I have to look where I've already been. I have to recognize what I have survived already. I have already learned to do much more by myself than I ever wanted to do. But I'm tired of being disappointed and I am working very hard on not disappointing myself. I no longer want to depend on others for my happiness. I know huh? Sounds like a grown up writing this! I know some of you are saying "I told her this before" and yes some of you did, but you know yourself self realization is what works. But thanks for trying.
Ultimately I have to say this is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it right now. I'm living my way because it's MY life!!
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Challenge Before Me
I haven't blogged in a while. Not sure why that is but today I feel the need to write. Write about what I'm not sure. I am feeling impatient and anxious about life. I want life to hurry up and happen! That sounds crazy even to me.
That old saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" somehow has a deeper meaning for me right now. I want to grab life, shake it up and "LIVE"! I am tired of letting life "happen". I want to MAKE it happen! I want to find enjoyment, kick my heels up and live, love and laugh until I just can't do it anymore!! I'm tired of sitting still! Tired of being in one place and always wanting more! I have put myself on the back burner for a long time, it's time to make myself my priority! Not sure I know how to do that.
I never thought of myself as a selfish person and worked hard not to be. Why? People love and care about me but I have to face that fact that I am no ones priority. When I sacrifice I do so of my own accord and am usually okay with it. Who sacrifices for me? Who puts me first? Guess I am feeling pretty selfish or at least self-centered today. But that's okay. I do understand that people have families, significant others, jobs and other of life's demands to focus on instead of me. I don't expect the world to stop because I'm feeling lonely, or down or anxious, although I admit it would be nice once in a while. I know that only I can be there for me 100% of the time. I'm not very good at it.
Where in the hell am I going with all this? LOL I wish I knew. I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to find it because I don't know what it is! It's as if I am blindfolded in some desolate place looking for something, and I don't where I am or what I'm searching for. Stumbling along blindly, bumping into obstacles, stubbing my toes, falling down, reaching out to the unknown. You see I've lost my rose colored glasses and when subjected to the harsh realities I close my eyes. But, I've not given up. I just need to determine the direction I want to move in and get off my ass and move!
Why do I allow myself to feel like I am intruding on other peoples lives? Like I don't belong there? Why do I feel so insignificant? What do I expect people to do? Why is it so hard for me to tell people what I need from them? Why must I need anything for anyone? Why can't I be self-validating?
I come up with these grand plans in my head to be more self sufficient only to find myself craving attention, company, validation from others, at which point I simply withdraw. Why do I feel so needy? People tell my how strong I am. I don't always feel strong. I don't always want to be strong. I don't want to always make my own decisions, I don't always want to be in charge of my life. But I know I have to be. It's a very difficult transition to go from being a wife and having a family to being a single...a one....alone! I hate it! I hate not having someone to care for. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being the fifth wheel. I hate the tears.
So I find myself feeling alone, lonely, detached, insignificant and wanting. I am in love with a man who I'm not sure is up to dealing with my needs. I need to figure this out. I need to deal with it head on. I need to put my life in order to please ME, meet MY needs and live the way I want to live. It is my life, do I want to live it my way and enjoy it my way or am I going to continue to wallow and be used and walk around blind?
Looks like I have laid some challenges before me.
That old saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" somehow has a deeper meaning for me right now. I want to grab life, shake it up and "LIVE"! I am tired of letting life "happen". I want to MAKE it happen! I want to find enjoyment, kick my heels up and live, love and laugh until I just can't do it anymore!! I'm tired of sitting still! Tired of being in one place and always wanting more! I have put myself on the back burner for a long time, it's time to make myself my priority! Not sure I know how to do that.
I never thought of myself as a selfish person and worked hard not to be. Why? People love and care about me but I have to face that fact that I am no ones priority. When I sacrifice I do so of my own accord and am usually okay with it. Who sacrifices for me? Who puts me first? Guess I am feeling pretty selfish or at least self-centered today. But that's okay. I do understand that people have families, significant others, jobs and other of life's demands to focus on instead of me. I don't expect the world to stop because I'm feeling lonely, or down or anxious, although I admit it would be nice once in a while. I know that only I can be there for me 100% of the time. I'm not very good at it.
Where in the hell am I going with all this? LOL I wish I knew. I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to find it because I don't know what it is! It's as if I am blindfolded in some desolate place looking for something, and I don't where I am or what I'm searching for. Stumbling along blindly, bumping into obstacles, stubbing my toes, falling down, reaching out to the unknown. You see I've lost my rose colored glasses and when subjected to the harsh realities I close my eyes. But, I've not given up. I just need to determine the direction I want to move in and get off my ass and move!
Why do I allow myself to feel like I am intruding on other peoples lives? Like I don't belong there? Why do I feel so insignificant? What do I expect people to do? Why is it so hard for me to tell people what I need from them? Why must I need anything for anyone? Why can't I be self-validating?
I come up with these grand plans in my head to be more self sufficient only to find myself craving attention, company, validation from others, at which point I simply withdraw. Why do I feel so needy? People tell my how strong I am. I don't always feel strong. I don't always want to be strong. I don't want to always make my own decisions, I don't always want to be in charge of my life. But I know I have to be. It's a very difficult transition to go from being a wife and having a family to being a single...a one....alone! I hate it! I hate not having someone to care for. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being the fifth wheel. I hate the tears.
So I find myself feeling alone, lonely, detached, insignificant and wanting. I am in love with a man who I'm not sure is up to dealing with my needs. I need to figure this out. I need to deal with it head on. I need to put my life in order to please ME, meet MY needs and live the way I want to live. It is my life, do I want to live it my way and enjoy it my way or am I going to continue to wallow and be used and walk around blind?
Looks like I have laid some challenges before me.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
#5 Stop Thinking Too Much
It's alright to not know all the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste...it is also a terrible thing to abuse! At times I cannot seem to turn my mind off. It will race around taking random thoughts and turning them into absolute monsters! Simply thoughts take on a life of their own and become uncontrollable forms of despair, hurt and misery. When thoughts become negative obsessions it is time to STOP thinking!
Flights of fantasy are not, in and among themselves, harmful. I am prone to many adventures in my mind and heart. I can while away the hours wishing and hoping and envisioning my future. This can be a pleasant experience and can eat up time when I am bored or waiting for something to happen in my mundane life. I can play scenarios in my head and perhaps change a few things to make them more pleasant or closer to what I am hoping will happen. No harm in that right? Then it happens! My pleasurable thoughts slowly but surely distort and twist out of focus. I start, what I like to call, mind reading. This is rarely accurate and certainly not flattering to my self confidence. When I take things someone may have said and turn, and twist and dissect it I can make it mean something entirely different from those words. Chances are I KNOW exactly what they meant when they were said, why do I need to over think it?
I cannot sit here, rehash something that I know to be true, and change it while sitting here! No matter what my mind is telling me it changes NOTHING! My prospective may change, my understanding may change but the facts have not. So why do I think too much? Why do I allow my mind to keep looking for answers that I already know? Why do I need answers for the future? Why can I not accept what is today and let tomorrow take care of itself? Tomorrow is uncertain. Especially when it's someone else's tomorrow. I cannot be certain of my tomorrow, why do I need to think about someone's else's tomorrow?
I rob myself of joy by thinking so much. By trying to figure out answers to questions that have no direct effect on me, I question what I already know to be true, causing doubt and worry. I know that I am my own worst enemy. I question myself far too much, my instincts, my heart, my self worth. I know I need to learn to trust myself. I know that life has no guarantees. I know that my happiness depends on me, my attitude, my thoughts, my choices and my relationships that I put time, energy and effort into. I know that I need to limit stress and drama and negativity. I know that I need to demonstrate more strength and self control in dealing with these issues.
Today I have decided to stop thinking too much. I have decided to trust myself and my instincts. I have decided to stop worrying about making the wrong choices and limiting the stress and drama and negativity in my life. I am going to spend more time on me! I have taken a look around me and see that I allow other people and their issues to take up far too much space in my life and my thoughts. I allow their negativity to spill over into my own thinking. Just the other day a dear person in my life told me only I can be the person I know I am. This is true and it's time I am that person.
Today my life is not what I want it to and I am not the person I know I am but today I will be the best me I can be. Today I take back my peace and step out of the cycle of thinking too much, worrying about things out of my control and negative patterns and people. Today the answers are coming and I did not expect them!
This is my life, I will live it my way and be true to myself! No longer my worst enemy but my own best friend.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Don't Compare Your Life to Others.....
...and don't judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
That is rule #4 of the 7 cardinal rules in life. Very sound advice indeed!
I find myself envious of some people and what appears to be their "charmed" life. I sometimes want what others possess, sometimes material things, but more often less tangible things, their body shape, their relationship, their ability to be happy with what life brings. When I read this rule I realize that not all things are as they seem. I remember that karma has no favorites and the powers that be do not discriminate when it comes to dishing out problems, unfortunate circumstances and drama in life.
At times I think some people have it all and never suffer from unfairness or mishaps in life. Some of these people I envy and wish I could be in their shoes. But then, I would be them and not me! My choices would be different and my outcome would be mine not theirs. And at the end of the day, behind closed doors what is their life really like? I am assuming their lives are all rainbows and unicorns. I am seeing what they project, as we all do. That does not always mean I know that person or their circumstances and life.
I know a person that I always felt got far more than they deserved in life. Always got the benefit of the doubt, always got the breaks, was always the luckiest person I knew. This person had someone to love and care for. I was jealous beyond belief. Only to realize one day that this was all a front! Their life was absolutely not a perfect picture, far from it. All that comparison I did was based on pure fantasy. I understood that I had it far better. That should have taught me a lesson, and in reality it did. Once in a while I do find myself wishing I had this or that that so in so has, or looked like her or had her strength or a relationship like theirs, I am human.
We all have a different path we must walk in life. Occasionally our paths cross and we may experience a bond along the way with someone who adds to our life experience. It is often only for a season or two. Don't take these meetings for granted. Enjoy them and learn from them and never judge or envy these people you encounter. They are unique. You are unique, I am you unique.
I do things my way just as you do things your way. We may have a meeting of the minds and share some tips or secrets on life that are useful, we may not agree on all things, but that's what makes life happen.
I am happy to be me! I wouldn't want anyone else's life. I don't want to compare my life anymore. I have experienced things in my life that I would never trade, that are embedded in my heart and will be treasured until the day I die. My life is good, it's MY life and as I seek to make it even better I will do things my way and not compare my life to others. I know my journey and they know theirs. May everyone's journey be all they hope for.
That is rule #4 of the 7 cardinal rules in life. Very sound advice indeed!
I find myself envious of some people and what appears to be their "charmed" life. I sometimes want what others possess, sometimes material things, but more often less tangible things, their body shape, their relationship, their ability to be happy with what life brings. When I read this rule I realize that not all things are as they seem. I remember that karma has no favorites and the powers that be do not discriminate when it comes to dishing out problems, unfortunate circumstances and drama in life.
At times I think some people have it all and never suffer from unfairness or mishaps in life. Some of these people I envy and wish I could be in their shoes. But then, I would be them and not me! My choices would be different and my outcome would be mine not theirs. And at the end of the day, behind closed doors what is their life really like? I am assuming their lives are all rainbows and unicorns. I am seeing what they project, as we all do. That does not always mean I know that person or their circumstances and life.
I know a person that I always felt got far more than they deserved in life. Always got the benefit of the doubt, always got the breaks, was always the luckiest person I knew. This person had someone to love and care for. I was jealous beyond belief. Only to realize one day that this was all a front! Their life was absolutely not a perfect picture, far from it. All that comparison I did was based on pure fantasy. I understood that I had it far better. That should have taught me a lesson, and in reality it did. Once in a while I do find myself wishing I had this or that that so in so has, or looked like her or had her strength or a relationship like theirs, I am human.
We all have a different path we must walk in life. Occasionally our paths cross and we may experience a bond along the way with someone who adds to our life experience. It is often only for a season or two. Don't take these meetings for granted. Enjoy them and learn from them and never judge or envy these people you encounter. They are unique. You are unique, I am you unique.
I do things my way just as you do things your way. We may have a meeting of the minds and share some tips or secrets on life that are useful, we may not agree on all things, but that's what makes life happen.
I am happy to be me! I wouldn't want anyone else's life. I don't want to compare my life anymore. I have experienced things in my life that I would never trade, that are embedded in my heart and will be treasured until the day I die. My life is good, it's MY life and as I seek to make it even better I will do things my way and not compare my life to others. I know my journey and they know theirs. May everyone's journey be all they hope for.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Age is Just a Number...Until You Give Up!
I was browsing around on Facebook a few minutes ago and came upon this photo:
When I saw it I shared it with the added caption which is the title of my blog today. I wish I had always acted how I felt and not been so concerned about acting my age.
I grew up way to fast and missed out on a lot of youthful fun, experiences and excitement. I needed to be responsible. I was concerned that my actions would be judged and found inappropriate for a wife, a mother, a productive member of the community. I was under the assumption that what other's thought mattered.
Now that I am 60-something I have earned the right to enjoy my life doing things my way, sounds kind of familiar doesn't it?! I don't care that at times I dress too young for my "age". If I put something on that strikes my fancy and makes me smile and feel good I am going to wear it! If I look foolish and folks think I am dressing too young that's too bad. Maybe I am feeling that young and maybe they are missing out! At the end of the day it's not about them and I have already learned it's none of my business what they think so there you have it!
I have actually discovered that when I feel good I am a much nicer person and those around me benefit from that! So what if it takes some make-up and fashionable attire to make me happy? So what if you are wondering why in the world I would think I could wear this or that? It makes me feel good! I may not be all that thrilled with you have on either!
I have paid my dues. I have done the PTA, the sporting events and plays and school ceremonies. I have been the dedicated wife, mommy, employee, volunteer and host of other things that were not self-focused. It's MY turn.
I don't care how old the calender says I am. I don't feel that damn old. So why on earth would I act that old? I don't think it's illegal for me to not act my age, or not dress my age or date people not my age. I do know that some people my age do give up. They succumb to the pressures, or ideas that because you reach a certain age you have to give up. I will never give up. I plan to be 90-something and still be out there kicking up my heels! I will still be wearing my boots, yes my red ones. I will still wear short skirts and low cut blouses, as long as I can still get bras that lift the girls!! I will still do things that I didn't get to do when I was growing up. I will still be enjoying my life and being who I am at that particular time. I may reinvent myself numerous times.
I feel no need to apologize for this outlook and trust me when I say I am not. I am simply stating that I have not yet reached the age, nor do I foresee reaching such age, where I will give up being me...after all....it is my life, I am, and will continue to live it my way...and I hope with all I have that you too will be be true to yourself....find the place where you are comfortable enough to be who you are no matter what your age! Today I feel spectacular and 30-something and if it weren't so flippin' cold out I would put on a outfit that makes me feel young and sexy and parade around town like no bodies business!! Spring is coming and I'm ready to get out there and dance like no one's watching....ahhhh life is good, it's mine for the living....doing it my way all the way!!!
When I saw it I shared it with the added caption which is the title of my blog today. I wish I had always acted how I felt and not been so concerned about acting my age.
I grew up way to fast and missed out on a lot of youthful fun, experiences and excitement. I needed to be responsible. I was concerned that my actions would be judged and found inappropriate for a wife, a mother, a productive member of the community. I was under the assumption that what other's thought mattered.
Now that I am 60-something I have earned the right to enjoy my life doing things my way, sounds kind of familiar doesn't it?! I don't care that at times I dress too young for my "age". If I put something on that strikes my fancy and makes me smile and feel good I am going to wear it! If I look foolish and folks think I am dressing too young that's too bad. Maybe I am feeling that young and maybe they are missing out! At the end of the day it's not about them and I have already learned it's none of my business what they think so there you have it!
I have actually discovered that when I feel good I am a much nicer person and those around me benefit from that! So what if it takes some make-up and fashionable attire to make me happy? So what if you are wondering why in the world I would think I could wear this or that? It makes me feel good! I may not be all that thrilled with you have on either!
I have paid my dues. I have done the PTA, the sporting events and plays and school ceremonies. I have been the dedicated wife, mommy, employee, volunteer and host of other things that were not self-focused. It's MY turn.
I don't care how old the calender says I am. I don't feel that damn old. So why on earth would I act that old? I don't think it's illegal for me to not act my age, or not dress my age or date people not my age. I do know that some people my age do give up. They succumb to the pressures, or ideas that because you reach a certain age you have to give up. I will never give up. I plan to be 90-something and still be out there kicking up my heels! I will still be wearing my boots, yes my red ones. I will still wear short skirts and low cut blouses, as long as I can still get bras that lift the girls!! I will still do things that I didn't get to do when I was growing up. I will still be enjoying my life and being who I am at that particular time. I may reinvent myself numerous times.
I feel no need to apologize for this outlook and trust me when I say I am not. I am simply stating that I have not yet reached the age, nor do I foresee reaching such age, where I will give up being me...after all....it is my life, I am, and will continue to live it my way...and I hope with all I have that you too will be be true to yourself....find the place where you are comfortable enough to be who you are no matter what your age! Today I feel spectacular and 30-something and if it weren't so flippin' cold out I would put on a outfit that makes me feel young and sexy and parade around town like no bodies business!! Spring is coming and I'm ready to get out there and dance like no one's watching....ahhhh life is good, it's mine for the living....doing it my way all the way!!!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Give It Time
The third rule in the 7 cardinal rules for life says; Time heals almost everything, give it time.
I am very glad that it says ALMOST everything. While I find that time lessens the frequency and depth of pain it does not heal it in all cases. Some moments the wound hurts every bit as badly as it did at the time of the event that cased the wound.
Speaking for myself, and only myself, I know the pain I feel regarding the loss of my husband will never completely heal. There was a time I thought I absolutely could not go on without Matthew. My one desire was for him to come, take me by my hand and take me with him. I thought my life was over and that I could not possibly ever feel life was worth living again. Once in a while I do admit I fall back into that mode of thinking. When things are rough and I am feeling alone and vulnerable I tend to gravitate back into that thought pattern.
I think we must give ourselves credit for how far we come to overcome some things in our lives. I often fail to recognize how far I have come. When I get swallowed up in a pity abyss I feel like I have failed completely. I have to stop a moment and think back at how long it has been since I wallowed in this pit. I think back to how I used to spend days, weeks and even months anguished and non-functional. I would take to me bed for days on end, shutting out everyone and everything. I would respond to invitations saying I would come and then at the last minute I just couldn't get myself together enough to attend. My grief ruled my life. My tears were ever present. My loss swallowed every ounce of joy I had and left me empty, hopeless and alone with my misery.
I made some really bad choices during this time. Sought comfort in people and things that brought no comfort. Tried to hide my feelings and disguise my pain. Made several feeble attempts to stop it all by attempting suicide. Never ever thinking I could heal. Never daring to dream that my heart could get over my loss. Feeling guilty that I was still here, that my heart was still beating and that I could smile once in a while.
Looking back it was a long road, a tumultuous road. Thinking farther back there were other roads that were rough and filled with pitfalls that I though I would never heal from. Nothing as major as losing my spouse, but at the time traumatic and life changing. Most of those have healed, a few have left scars and others are lost to my mind forever. I have moments of remembrances of some events that may make me twinge for a brief moment. But the pain is no longer there. And when memories of Matthew and losing him hit me I let them flood my mind and my heart and wash away some of the pain. I was so blessed to have had him in my life. Those blessings will NEVER go away. The pain I feel is a reminder of that. I would't ever want that to completely heal. Given time it has eased and lessened. That too is a blessing.
Remember, that what is behind us is behind us...but never forget the things behind us made us what we are today.
I feel the healing going on. I'm living life like I am healed. I'm making better choices and I'm proud of that. Give it time my friends...living life my way and loving it....
I am very glad that it says ALMOST everything. While I find that time lessens the frequency and depth of pain it does not heal it in all cases. Some moments the wound hurts every bit as badly as it did at the time of the event that cased the wound.
Speaking for myself, and only myself, I know the pain I feel regarding the loss of my husband will never completely heal. There was a time I thought I absolutely could not go on without Matthew. My one desire was for him to come, take me by my hand and take me with him. I thought my life was over and that I could not possibly ever feel life was worth living again. Once in a while I do admit I fall back into that mode of thinking. When things are rough and I am feeling alone and vulnerable I tend to gravitate back into that thought pattern.
I think we must give ourselves credit for how far we come to overcome some things in our lives. I often fail to recognize how far I have come. When I get swallowed up in a pity abyss I feel like I have failed completely. I have to stop a moment and think back at how long it has been since I wallowed in this pit. I think back to how I used to spend days, weeks and even months anguished and non-functional. I would take to me bed for days on end, shutting out everyone and everything. I would respond to invitations saying I would come and then at the last minute I just couldn't get myself together enough to attend. My grief ruled my life. My tears were ever present. My loss swallowed every ounce of joy I had and left me empty, hopeless and alone with my misery.
I made some really bad choices during this time. Sought comfort in people and things that brought no comfort. Tried to hide my feelings and disguise my pain. Made several feeble attempts to stop it all by attempting suicide. Never ever thinking I could heal. Never daring to dream that my heart could get over my loss. Feeling guilty that I was still here, that my heart was still beating and that I could smile once in a while.
Looking back it was a long road, a tumultuous road. Thinking farther back there were other roads that were rough and filled with pitfalls that I though I would never heal from. Nothing as major as losing my spouse, but at the time traumatic and life changing. Most of those have healed, a few have left scars and others are lost to my mind forever. I have moments of remembrances of some events that may make me twinge for a brief moment. But the pain is no longer there. And when memories of Matthew and losing him hit me I let them flood my mind and my heart and wash away some of the pain. I was so blessed to have had him in my life. Those blessings will NEVER go away. The pain I feel is a reminder of that. I would't ever want that to completely heal. Given time it has eased and lessened. That too is a blessing.
Remember, that what is behind us is behind us...but never forget the things behind us made us what we are today.
I feel the healing going on. I'm living life like I am healed. I'm making better choices and I'm proud of that. Give it time my friends...living life my way and loving it....
Monday, January 27, 2014
None of Your Business
I remember telling my kids and my friends, more than once, "What others think of you is none of your business." Only to now find out it is rule #2 on the list of 7 cardinal rules of life. Do I practice what I preach? I feel I do practice this rule pretty darn well! Because to be honest I really don't give a flip what others think about me probably 97% of the time. But even 3% of unnecessary concern or worry is more than I want in my life.
I find it funny to watch people's expressions when I do or say something that surprises or shocks them. I am such a people person, very open and willing to share what's going on in my life or my thoughts, as they pertain to ME. I am not, however, a people pleaser. When asked I will tell the truth as I see it. I am not saying I am always right, far from it, but what I say is the truth in my mind. If my friend tries something new in fashion and they ask me what I think, I tell them what I think. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings and might try very hard to sugar coat a bad review, but if I didn't like it they would know it.
I do not go out of my way to push my opinions on others. After all if it's none of my business what they think about me therefore it is none of their business what I think about them. I don't have the time (okay maybe I do have too much time on my hands most days) or the energy to make sure they know what I think about them. My friends all know that I love them and in doing so I don't judge them and I accept them as they are. Yes once in a while some of my friends do foolish things (as do I)and I might have some negative thoughts. I don't rush over and tell them. Why? Because it's none of my business. And it's none of their business what I think. If they want to know what I think they will certainly ask me. Then I can offer only my opinion. They can take it for what's it worth.
I know people who don't think very highly of me. You know what? I don't care. I don't expect or want everyone to like me. If everyone liked me I would think I had to be fake somewhere along the line, or at the very least compromising some of my beliefs. By the same token there are people out there that I don't like. A lot of the people I don't like know it. And I don't care that they know it. I will remain civil to them as long as they don't push. I don't have to like everyone. I don't have to tell them why I don't like them, that's my business.
The person I have to please, and believe me when I say that's not always an easy task, is ME! The person I have to listen to and answer to is ME! It is my business what I think about me and what I have to do to succeed in making me happy. If I am too busy worrying about what everyone else thinks of me I miss what is important to me. Have I made the right choices for me? So-and-so thinks I need to do this or that and I should feel this way or that way. No! It doesn't matter what they think, they are not living my life. They are not taking my journey. They don't answer the questions asked by my heart.
Don't get me wrong, I struggle often. If I want advice or feel the need for intervention or support I will ask. I will listen. I will heed sound advice. I will take that advice and make it my business and apply it to my circumstance.
Living in a small town I often hear things that are truly NONE of my business. I don't like gossip! I don't care how many people know a certain person and all of their baggage I don't want to hear it, unless the person comes to me and tells me their self it is NONE of my business. It is none of my business even when they do tell me actually, and many times I don't want to hear it then!! If I can help you in some way I will certainly try my best. If you need to vent I can understand that and will listen....if it's about YOU! Please don't come and tell me everyone else's business, it is none of my business and I don't want to think about it.
I have strayed from the subject at hand, guess I needed to go in that direction for a minute. All I am trying to say here is it is none of my business what others think about me. It doesn't matter and it doesn't change who I am. I am not one of those people who has a different face for different people. I am the best me I can be most of the time. I am good at being me. Lately I had lost focus but I am back on track. I am moving full steam ahead to make self discoveries about me and what it is I want out of life. I can't be bothered wondering who approves and who disapproves of me and what I am doing with my life.
This is my life, my one and only life. It has not always been the best. I still make mistakes. I still make bad choices, I know this better than anyone. So think what you will, because I don't care what you think, it's none of my business. Don't worry about what I think about you. It's my life, it's my adventure and what I think is all that counts at the end of the day. Still doing it my way, regardless of what you think!!
I find it funny to watch people's expressions when I do or say something that surprises or shocks them. I am such a people person, very open and willing to share what's going on in my life or my thoughts, as they pertain to ME. I am not, however, a people pleaser. When asked I will tell the truth as I see it. I am not saying I am always right, far from it, but what I say is the truth in my mind. If my friend tries something new in fashion and they ask me what I think, I tell them what I think. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings and might try very hard to sugar coat a bad review, but if I didn't like it they would know it.
I do not go out of my way to push my opinions on others. After all if it's none of my business what they think about me therefore it is none of their business what I think about them. I don't have the time (okay maybe I do have too much time on my hands most days) or the energy to make sure they know what I think about them. My friends all know that I love them and in doing so I don't judge them and I accept them as they are. Yes once in a while some of my friends do foolish things (as do I)and I might have some negative thoughts. I don't rush over and tell them. Why? Because it's none of my business. And it's none of their business what I think. If they want to know what I think they will certainly ask me. Then I can offer only my opinion. They can take it for what's it worth.
I know people who don't think very highly of me. You know what? I don't care. I don't expect or want everyone to like me. If everyone liked me I would think I had to be fake somewhere along the line, or at the very least compromising some of my beliefs. By the same token there are people out there that I don't like. A lot of the people I don't like know it. And I don't care that they know it. I will remain civil to them as long as they don't push. I don't have to like everyone. I don't have to tell them why I don't like them, that's my business.
The person I have to please, and believe me when I say that's not always an easy task, is ME! The person I have to listen to and answer to is ME! It is my business what I think about me and what I have to do to succeed in making me happy. If I am too busy worrying about what everyone else thinks of me I miss what is important to me. Have I made the right choices for me? So-and-so thinks I need to do this or that and I should feel this way or that way. No! It doesn't matter what they think, they are not living my life. They are not taking my journey. They don't answer the questions asked by my heart.
Don't get me wrong, I struggle often. If I want advice or feel the need for intervention or support I will ask. I will listen. I will heed sound advice. I will take that advice and make it my business and apply it to my circumstance.
Living in a small town I often hear things that are truly NONE of my business. I don't like gossip! I don't care how many people know a certain person and all of their baggage I don't want to hear it, unless the person comes to me and tells me their self it is NONE of my business. It is none of my business even when they do tell me actually, and many times I don't want to hear it then!! If I can help you in some way I will certainly try my best. If you need to vent I can understand that and will listen....if it's about YOU! Please don't come and tell me everyone else's business, it is none of my business and I don't want to think about it.
I have strayed from the subject at hand, guess I needed to go in that direction for a minute. All I am trying to say here is it is none of my business what others think about me. It doesn't matter and it doesn't change who I am. I am not one of those people who has a different face for different people. I am the best me I can be most of the time. I am good at being me. Lately I had lost focus but I am back on track. I am moving full steam ahead to make self discoveries about me and what it is I want out of life. I can't be bothered wondering who approves and who disapproves of me and what I am doing with my life.This is my life, my one and only life. It has not always been the best. I still make mistakes. I still make bad choices, I know this better than anyone. So think what you will, because I don't care what you think, it's none of my business. Don't worry about what I think about you. It's my life, it's my adventure and what I think is all that counts at the end of the day. Still doing it my way, regardless of what you think!!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
My Past is Behind Me
Make peace with your past or it will surely screw up your present.
That is rule one in the seven cardinal rules of life. In my search for peace, understanding and acceptance of myself I ran across these rules and they spoke to me. I have decided to explore each one as it pertains to me, to dissect it and apply it to my life.
My past. When I am happy I remember lots of good things in my past. When I am sad my memory is filled with pain and sadness. I suppose it would be superfluous to make peace with the good things as those memories bring joy even in sad times. Obviously I have to make peace with the not so good things in my past.
It is hard to erase negative, a lot of it I believe I have dealt with and made peace with. I believe I have made peace with the actions that were hurtful and painful but not sure I have completely forgiven the people or circumstances behind the actions. It is hard to forgive what you don't understand.
I do know that the people who directed my young life did the best they knew how. They were ill equipped to make decisions regarding my future. They did what they thought best. I need to grasp that concept and discard the feelings of inadequacy that plague me even to this day that I just wasn't good enough to be permanently a part of one family. It had absolutely nothing to do with me as a person. I now believe that, except when I am feeling low, then it grabs me and gives me a good shake. Now that I have knowledge I must use that knowledge to guard my well being. Now when I feel the tentacles of inadequacy from my childhood trying to wrap around my thoughts I will ward them off with thoughts of how I learned to show love and make a safe, loving, caring, nurturing home for my children and how, like any parent, I made the best of every situation to do what was best for them. That part of my past no longer has power over me.
Now onto my 1st marriage. Going into my marriage I was sure that I would be the best wife ever! I wanted nothing more than the happy home, hubby and kiddos. Where things went wrong I'm not sure, nor does it matter at this point. I need to put into perspective why I chose for so many years to blame myself. I never chose to be abused, verbally or physically. I never asked for it. I never deserved it. Okay, logically I get that. However deep inside I have felt that I did it wrong somewhere along the line. A man doesn't just start lashing out on his wife without reason. A husband doesn't just start hitting his wife for no reason. I had to have doing something wrong. This one I think I really have a handle on. I know that my husband had, and still has, a problem with alcohol. I know that his aggressive behavior worsened when he was drinking. I dodged him many times but sometimes he caught up with me. It had nothing to do with me as a person. Yes I did not deserve his anger and rage. Yes I should have gotten out of it. In the end he left me, devastating me beyond reason. I had failed and I took it badly, very badly and very personally. In the years that followed I came to believe that he did me a favor in leaving. Although it took me a long time to find myself again I was a far better person than the cowering woman I had been with him. I have forgiven him and hold no ill will. That is as long as my heart and mind are in a good place I don't. I have to learn to never peek back at this, as it is not a true reflection of who I am or even who I truly was. My guard against this time will be to remember the good things that came from those years. My beautiful daughter, my oldest son, family and delightful memories. These were gifts that far outweigh any pain or hurt.
When it comes to Matthew I can think of no way he could he screw up my present. My memories of him are pure and true. Only by continuing to grieve so deeply and by holding on to the past can I hurt my present. These are things of my own making. When I am hurting I miss his as much as ever and I close myself in with those precious memories and unfulfilled dreams. In death I have placed him upon a pedestal and still depend on him to some extent to care for me, guide me and protect me. Logically I know he is gone, he is powerless to care for me and will never be here for me again. In my fantasies he will lead me through until I find happiness again. Who is setting whom up here? Matthew is my past, my wonderful, loving, trusting, happy past. Not something I feel I need to make peace with. Yet I do need to let go. I can better honor him by moving on and living life. He would so disapprove of my withdrawal from life and looking down on myself. I have to find peace, I have to know he's in a better place and I have to make my life a better place for me.
The past has nothing to do with what happened between me and David. He made a choice based on his past not on me. He made that choice not because I wasn't good enough but because he wanted what he had in the past. I could not compete with his past.
My past is behind me. No more looking back and placing blame and believing the lies of the past. The past can only hurt me if I allow it to. The hurts are healing or all ready healed and no longer have a hold on me.
With the help of my therapist and my dear friends and family I will learn to keep the past at bay. I will learn to love myself for who I am and not worry that I am not enough. I will live my life my way and I will know that I am living it my way...the right way for ME.
My past is behind me, I have made peace with it and it will NOT screw up my present!!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Happy Birthday Baby
Happy birthday to my sweet Matthew. Tomorrow you would turn 51 and not having you here to celebrate is so very very hard my love! Whoever said it gets easier is so very wrong. And with the anniversary of your passing coming nearer my heart cries out with pain and emptiness. It still cannot accept your absence. It still loves you as it always did and it still aches for you.
This last couple of months have been extremely difficult for me Matthew. You know what a baby I am and how much I need to have someone to care for and spoil. You know I was never cut out to be alone and it has been so hard. I thought you had sent me someone. I thought I would not have to see the holidays, your birthday and your passing anniversary alone this year, but I guess I was wrong. I will tell you that having someone even for that brief period made my heart lighter, and then losing him made me miss you and what we had so much more. I want that again, I know I am blessed to have had you and our story was a true love story but baby I am so lonely. I miss you every day and every night. I miss that feeling of being loved and cherished. You were so great at letting me know how much I meant to you. You were so loving and understanding and giving. Do you even know how much you meant to me. Did I tell you enough and show you enough how much I loved you? Because you did me. You told me, you showed over and over again how much you loved me!
Baby what I wouldn't give to have you here with me right now so I could tell you happy birthday. So I could hold you in my empty arms and smother you with kisses. To see you smile and hear you call my name. To feel your touch on my cheek, your breath on my face your lips on mine would be sheer heaven.
I'm trying sweetheart, and I know I will survive, but I want to do more than just survive. I want to be happy again and find love again and I know that you want that for me too. I am asking you to give me a gift on your birthday, please let me know that you are still watching over me. Let me know that you still love me and want me to be happy and fulfilled again. I am so lost tonight, so grieving for you sweet Matthew. Tomorrow you will surely be on my mind throughout the day. Tomorrow I will sing to you and celebrate the years I did have you. I love you Matthew now and always. You are always in my heart. I'll see ya baby....xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Scattered Pieces
Time to put my life back together! I know what I want. But to be honest that's about all I know for certain. I need to gather the pieces of my life and put the picture in my head together so my life can make sense again. In essence I am putting the puzzle of my life back together.
I have to take pieces from the depths of despair, from my head and heart, from lessons learned, from past mistakes and from my dreams and somehow connect them together to make my future. And not just any future, not a future filled with the same unrealized, unmet hopes but a real future with love, happiness and that deep peace that I so quest after.
Every life event that I have experienced has had an affect on my thoughts, my heart and my life. Some events have made me stronger, some I have learned valuable lessons from, some taught me things I need to remember and some have taught me I need to let go of certain things. If placed into the puzzle correctly even the most horrid experiences can help complete a wonderful, fulfilling, bright future. I need to remember that in order to write my entire book I have to live each chapter. I have to complete the puzzle to see in detail the whole picture. I cannot throw away the pieces that were painful or hurtful. I cannot throw away the pieces that are hard to face because of guilt or anger. All those pieces are necessary because they made me who I am and even with imperfections I am amazing and wonderful and deserving and belong in the completed work of art which is my life!
I have hope now that the scattered pieces of my existence can and will be placed back together with meaning and purpose so that I can, not only see my future, but participate wholeheartedly and enthusiastically in making it the life I truly want. My life, that I will live out and enjoy with all that I have! My life to live my way!!
I have to take pieces from the depths of despair, from my head and heart, from lessons learned, from past mistakes and from my dreams and somehow connect them together to make my future. And not just any future, not a future filled with the same unrealized, unmet hopes but a real future with love, happiness and that deep peace that I so quest after.
I have hope now that the scattered pieces of my existence can and will be placed back together with meaning and purpose so that I can, not only see my future, but participate wholeheartedly and enthusiastically in making it the life I truly want. My life, that I will live out and enjoy with all that I have! My life to live my way!!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
What Do I Want?
With my relationship hopes with David over I find myself questioning "What's next?"
To answer that question I find I have to ask myself more questions. What do I want? How do I go about getting it? Where the hell do I begin?
Like everyone else, I want to be happy. So what do I think will make me happy? The obvious answer is a man. What kind of man? I want a man that will love me back. I want a man who will accept who I am. A man who will love me quirks and all. An open, honest man who wants to share life's ups and downs with me, kiss away my tears and hold me when I am scared. I want a man that can make me laugh and lights up when I enter the room. A man that likes surprises and practical jokes, who will act silly right along with me.
I know I need to be satisfied with myself before expecting someone else to be satisfied with me. I know I can't depend on someone else for my happiness, but I also know that I am happiest when I have a special man in my life. I enjoy having a man to cater to, to care for, and love. I HATE not having a man in my life. Call me weird, call me crazy and label me old fashioned and co-dependent I don't really care. I am the one in my skin and I'm okay with feeling the need for a partner to walk through this life with.
Yes, I know I have lots of people who love me and care about me. And I have lots of people that I love and care about. Not to diminish that, but it's not the same thing as having someone to share life with on an everyday basis. It's not the same as having a loving partner that kisses you good night every night and good morning each day. It's not the same as having someone right here right now when you need a hug or a gentle kiss. Many people think they understand, but most of them truly don't.
I have to say that David set a very high standard. A standard that I am unwilling to compromise. He had amazing qualities and treated me like I want to be treated. We did things that I enjoyed and I want to continue to do. I want someone to travel with, to go out to dinners with, to snuggle up next to to watch TV. Someone who listens when I talk and tells me his honest opinion when I ask for it. I want someone with honor and the convictions to do what's right. He treated my like a princess and I could get used to that!
Finding someone is a challenge that I have got to be willing to commit to. I cannot sit here in my safe little world and expect my prince to come riding through the hallways in search of me. I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve. I am through with free social sites!! And most importantly right now, I WILL take my time and not fall for the first guy who comes along. I am not desperate, but am determined to find the right man to get my last "first" kiss. My eyes are open, my heart will heal in time and be ready for the next step. I have to be proactive and stop being reactive! I have to listen to my intuition and follow my heart.
Today my be the 2nd day of the new year, but it's the 1st day of the rest of my life. A life that I look forward to living. A life, that starting this very moment, I will be more in control of. I can do this, I can find what makes me happy and I can do it MY way. It's my life and I am going to make sure to live it fully!!
To answer that question I find I have to ask myself more questions. What do I want? How do I go about getting it? Where the hell do I begin?
Like everyone else, I want to be happy. So what do I think will make me happy? The obvious answer is a man. What kind of man? I want a man that will love me back. I want a man who will accept who I am. A man who will love me quirks and all. An open, honest man who wants to share life's ups and downs with me, kiss away my tears and hold me when I am scared. I want a man that can make me laugh and lights up when I enter the room. A man that likes surprises and practical jokes, who will act silly right along with me.
I know I need to be satisfied with myself before expecting someone else to be satisfied with me. I know I can't depend on someone else for my happiness, but I also know that I am happiest when I have a special man in my life. I enjoy having a man to cater to, to care for, and love. I HATE not having a man in my life. Call me weird, call me crazy and label me old fashioned and co-dependent I don't really care. I am the one in my skin and I'm okay with feeling the need for a partner to walk through this life with.
Yes, I know I have lots of people who love me and care about me. And I have lots of people that I love and care about. Not to diminish that, but it's not the same thing as having someone to share life with on an everyday basis. It's not the same as having a loving partner that kisses you good night every night and good morning each day. It's not the same as having someone right here right now when you need a hug or a gentle kiss. Many people think they understand, but most of them truly don't.
I have to say that David set a very high standard. A standard that I am unwilling to compromise. He had amazing qualities and treated me like I want to be treated. We did things that I enjoyed and I want to continue to do. I want someone to travel with, to go out to dinners with, to snuggle up next to to watch TV. Someone who listens when I talk and tells me his honest opinion when I ask for it. I want someone with honor and the convictions to do what's right. He treated my like a princess and I could get used to that!
Finding someone is a challenge that I have got to be willing to commit to. I cannot sit here in my safe little world and expect my prince to come riding through the hallways in search of me. I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve. I am through with free social sites!! And most importantly right now, I WILL take my time and not fall for the first guy who comes along. I am not desperate, but am determined to find the right man to get my last "first" kiss. My eyes are open, my heart will heal in time and be ready for the next step. I have to be proactive and stop being reactive! I have to listen to my intuition and follow my heart.
Today my be the 2nd day of the new year, but it's the 1st day of the rest of my life. A life that I look forward to living. A life, that starting this very moment, I will be more in control of. I can do this, I can find what makes me happy and I can do it MY way. It's my life and I am going to make sure to live it fully!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Past, Present and Future Collide
Seems my life is a huge loop. What goes around keeps coming around. I have been unsuccessfully chasing the illusive dream. Stop the world I want to get off. Why doesn't it just end?
As yet another year comes to a close I find myself wondering why things happen the way the do, why can I not accept things as the are and why I am always wanting what I can't seem to have?
I wish I were optimistic about the new year. I wish I had great hopes and visions of peace, love and happiness. It appears my rose colored glasses have been misplaced and my romantic heart has come to accept that romance is, in fact, a thing of the past.
I have had special relationships. I have experienced joy in them, great joy, unfortunately it was always temporary. It always came to an untimely end. I was never ready to let go, but the other parties were. Weather as a child looking for a family to belong to or as a girl hoping for that special friendship that would endure for a lifetime, or as a wife wanting a husband forever or a woman looking for the right man to spend the rest of her life with I've been sorely disappointed. The past has brought much pain in all of these circumstances. The present continues the tradition. The future is almost unthinkable to me.
I know I am supposed to let go of the past. I try and at times I think I have truly succeeded. But it keeps catching up to me! I think I've dealt with and suddenly it rears up and looms before me in the form of present disasters! My head says, "see, it's happening again!" The questions begin again and I am thrown back to the "not quite good enough" bin again. That's when I think it is of no use to even try, everything ends up the same way. Not quite reaching my goals, not quite making it to happy, not quite whole.
I'm weary, worn out, used up. I've given all I have to give. I've given when I didn't even have it to give. I want someone to give to me. Someone who sees I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving. In every relationship I have had I feel I gave my best. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, I know I can be selfish and unreasonable, that does not stop me from giving my best. It will however deter others from doing the same.
This present relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I have never had someone sing such high praises of me and then treat me so badly. With his words he tells me how wonderful and deserving I am. His treatment of me when we were together was amazing, thoughtful and caring. Yet now his action convey to me that I am nothing. Not worth the consideration to even let me know he is okay. Instead following the rules set down by strangers to keep me at a distance. Keeping me totally in the dark. Waiting and wanting and hoping. Blindly I wait. Wanting him to wake up and realize what we had was a great beginning that should not go unfinished. Hoping he will come back to me. What a fool I am. I can't bear the thought that again I am left wanting, not ready to believe it's over, just like all the other chapters of my life, not finished by me. Left standing there with only my memories, my unrealized dreams.
I see why I am not looking forward to the future. I see why ringing in a new year seems a terrible waste of time. I hope with all my heart those I hold near and dear have bright, happy, successful new years. I hope they have love, peace and joy in abundance. As for me, I hope I can recover some joy and replace this pain with some peace. I will be happy to be able to hold my head up and say, "this is my life, I have lived it.....it's not always been my way, but I have survived it."
As yet another year comes to a close I find myself wondering why things happen the way the do, why can I not accept things as the are and why I am always wanting what I can't seem to have?
I wish I were optimistic about the new year. I wish I had great hopes and visions of peace, love and happiness. It appears my rose colored glasses have been misplaced and my romantic heart has come to accept that romance is, in fact, a thing of the past.
I have had special relationships. I have experienced joy in them, great joy, unfortunately it was always temporary. It always came to an untimely end. I was never ready to let go, but the other parties were. Weather as a child looking for a family to belong to or as a girl hoping for that special friendship that would endure for a lifetime, or as a wife wanting a husband forever or a woman looking for the right man to spend the rest of her life with I've been sorely disappointed. The past has brought much pain in all of these circumstances. The present continues the tradition. The future is almost unthinkable to me.
I know I am supposed to let go of the past. I try and at times I think I have truly succeeded. But it keeps catching up to me! I think I've dealt with and suddenly it rears up and looms before me in the form of present disasters! My head says, "see, it's happening again!" The questions begin again and I am thrown back to the "not quite good enough" bin again. That's when I think it is of no use to even try, everything ends up the same way. Not quite reaching my goals, not quite making it to happy, not quite whole.
I'm weary, worn out, used up. I've given all I have to give. I've given when I didn't even have it to give. I want someone to give to me. Someone who sees I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving. In every relationship I have had I feel I gave my best. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, I know I can be selfish and unreasonable, that does not stop me from giving my best. It will however deter others from doing the same.
This present relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I have never had someone sing such high praises of me and then treat me so badly. With his words he tells me how wonderful and deserving I am. His treatment of me when we were together was amazing, thoughtful and caring. Yet now his action convey to me that I am nothing. Not worth the consideration to even let me know he is okay. Instead following the rules set down by strangers to keep me at a distance. Keeping me totally in the dark. Waiting and wanting and hoping. Blindly I wait. Wanting him to wake up and realize what we had was a great beginning that should not go unfinished. Hoping he will come back to me. What a fool I am. I can't bear the thought that again I am left wanting, not ready to believe it's over, just like all the other chapters of my life, not finished by me. Left standing there with only my memories, my unrealized dreams.
I see why I am not looking forward to the future. I see why ringing in a new year seems a terrible waste of time. I hope with all my heart those I hold near and dear have bright, happy, successful new years. I hope they have love, peace and joy in abundance. As for me, I hope I can recover some joy and replace this pain with some peace. I will be happy to be able to hold my head up and say, "this is my life, I have lived it.....it's not always been my way, but I have survived it."
Saturday, December 28, 2013
My Greatest Accomplishments
The morning began with a sunrise that rivaled the great works of
art! The vibrant colors woke my senses to the beauty of Mother Nature's
handiwork! The beauty faded with the white glare of the sun reflecting
endlessly off the sparkling white snow. Snow lay everywhere, on the ground, on
the rooftops, in the trees, shining and glistening, unspoiled by footprints. It
lay before me like a clean slate where I could write the stories of my heart, stories
of hope, of love, of adventure and of life.
The powers that be
have given me moments where they have blessed me beyond belief. The birth of my
four children being, without doubt, my shining hours! No matter how many times
you are privileged enough to witness the miracle of birth it is always just
that, the biggest miracle of them all! A life giving miracle that forever changes
one life and gives a new life a beginning. I was chosen to give life to four extremely
unique, loving, individuals who have grown to be their own persons. Just like
the plan called for, all four are capable and good, kind and caring. All four
bringing pride to this mothers heart. Memories of their growing up are
plentiful and bring much joy to my heart.
What if I had not been so fortunate? What if I had not met their fathers? What if I
hadn’t had the experiences in my youth that shaped me to be who I am and raise
my children the way I did? How would it have all turned out? I have no way of foretelling
what might have been. I do know however, that I am proud of my children. I am
proud of the part I had in raising them and molding them. I am glad to know in
my heart that I did the best job I could when it came to caring for my children.
I know that whatever sacrifices I made I made with conscience effort to do what
was best of them. I have absolutely no
regrets!
Today I will be happy in the knowledge that I did a great job raising
my children and that they are my greatest accomplishment!
I seem to spend a lot of time lately looking at my failures and
shortcomings but today I chose to focus on my favorite job of all time, the job
of being Mommy, Mom, Mother or even Nana or Grammy. There are no awards, no
statuettes, no bonuses, but there is that pride, that sense of true accomplishment
when your grown children look at you and tell you they love you.
This day of my life is dedicated to my beautiful children, Leanna,
Rob, David and Daniel and to my wonderful grandchildren, Jaylyn, Kayla, Kyle,
Casey, Zachary and Quyn….here’s to you all, my greatest accomplishment! I love
you more than you will ever know, I am so incredibly proud of each and every
one of you. You are always and forever in my heart!
This may be my life and I may be living in my way but I will always
think of my children and grandchildren in choices I make that may affect them. It’s
my life and I love my children!!!
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