Ever wonder what it is that draws us to a certain person? I sure do!
How is it that even if a person is not the right one for us we feel like we can't live without them? When you meet a man and have that sort of "instant" connection could it be real? Can a relationship start off on the wrong foot and turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you?
I don't know the answer to these questions but I know where my heart is. I know how I feel. I know what my hopes are. I know what the reality is. I know odds are against me. I know people don't understand and some don't approve. Knowing all of this doesn't change how I feel.
So again I have to be true to ME. I have to follow the path I have before me. I have to do what makes me happy. Believe me I have been over this at least a billion times in my mind. I think of little else. I am unable to see what others see when they look at my circumstances, because I am blinded by my feelings. But I don't care. It feels so good, so right, so meant to be.
If this falls apart I will deal with. I am not going to focus on that. I am going to enjoy the here and now. I am going to focus on being happy. I am going to relish the attention. I am going to be in the moment. This is a chapter in my life. I am going to live out the pages, writing the story as I go. The ending may be a surprise even to the author!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Isolation?
It's dark and chilly and I am alone in the quiet morning hours. Alone with my thoughts. My mind unsure of the direction it is going hesitates with each word I write. Thoughts of isolation are being bounced around in my head. Isolated, alone, separated, enclosed or encased by my self. Is it good or bad?
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
For Today This Is My Life
Why do I have to have days when I don't know which end is up? Why do I have days where I am so confused and have no idea what to do with my self? What do I want out of life? What is out there for me? What does the future hold for me?
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
R.I.P Alexis
Today as I prepare to attend the funeral of my dear dear friends 17 year old daughter I am thinking a lot about death and the choices we make.
I try in my own way to make some sort of sense out of it. My brain searches for wisdom and understanding. My heart screams out the injustice and my pain reminds me how vulnerable we all are.
Last week the beautiful you woman was alive and vibrant and happy. She loved and was loved in returned. She had her whole life ahead of her. Today we will mourn her passing, weep tears of loss and miss her with all of our being. A family will be ripped apart, dreams shattered and life will never be the same. The void left behind will consume us and the questions will never be answered.
My heart breaks for my friend. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help. I know anything I do will be temporary, a bandaid on her broken soul. I know that in a matter of weeks most peoples lives will go on the same as before but hers will NEVER be the same. I remember thinking as life returned to normal for those that had surrounded me when Matthew died how unfair it was. I was angry that they had a life to return, a family in tact. How could they all go back to a normal life while mine was gone?!
I hope with all that I have to be there for my friend every single time she needs me. I hope I can give her what she needs. I hope she knows how much I love her and care about her.
People wake up. Life happens, it changes it throws it curves that we are ill-equipped to handle. Let's be there for each other, lets LIVE each and everyday, let's let each other know how important they are in our lives.
I hurt for my friend, I realize how it could have been my son, I realize how fragile life is.
Life is fleeting, life is good, and we need to live it while we can!
This was originally written on Sept 27, 2012 but went unpublished until Oct 10, 2010.
I try in my own way to make some sort of sense out of it. My brain searches for wisdom and understanding. My heart screams out the injustice and my pain reminds me how vulnerable we all are.
Last week the beautiful you woman was alive and vibrant and happy. She loved and was loved in returned. She had her whole life ahead of her. Today we will mourn her passing, weep tears of loss and miss her with all of our being. A family will be ripped apart, dreams shattered and life will never be the same. The void left behind will consume us and the questions will never be answered.
My heart breaks for my friend. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help. I know anything I do will be temporary, a bandaid on her broken soul. I know that in a matter of weeks most peoples lives will go on the same as before but hers will NEVER be the same. I remember thinking as life returned to normal for those that had surrounded me when Matthew died how unfair it was. I was angry that they had a life to return, a family in tact. How could they all go back to a normal life while mine was gone?!
I hope with all that I have to be there for my friend every single time she needs me. I hope I can give her what she needs. I hope she knows how much I love her and care about her.
People wake up. Life happens, it changes it throws it curves that we are ill-equipped to handle. Let's be there for each other, lets LIVE each and everyday, let's let each other know how important they are in our lives.
I hurt for my friend, I realize how it could have been my son, I realize how fragile life is.
Life is fleeting, life is good, and we need to live it while we can!
This was originally written on Sept 27, 2012 but went unpublished until Oct 10, 2010.
If It Ain't Broke....Don't Fix It
I have learned an important point in acceptance! When we meet a person we either like or dislike them. If we like them there are certain traits that draw us to them. Why then do we try to change them? Why do we expect more from them than they can give? Why do we expect them to be something they are not?
If I painted my room green, why would I expect it to be purple? If I cooked cabbage why would I expect it to smell like beef stew? If I made friends with someone born and bred in England why would I expect them to speak with an Italian accent? I wouldn't.
Yet once we get into a relationship with a person, be it friend, lover or even a co-worker we seem to forget about what it was that we liked about that person and focus more on how we can change them.
Okay I liked you right off the bat because you made me laugh and tell it like it is. BUT....I wish you would sugar coat when you talk about me. Therefore you are asking them to change for you.
You told me you have issues with trust and keeping secrets. BUT....I am going to tell you a secret please keep it. And when they tell we are surprise!!! Really? Did you think they would change?
I fall for a guy who is not openly affectionate. We are out and I want to sit close and have him put is arm around me and hold me close. I get more than a little angry thinking in my head that he is embarrassed to be seen with me and doesn't really care, blah, blah, blah. Now didn't I already KNOW that he wasn't going to do that?
Sometimes it is extremely important to define your terms. For instance, if I say I have a "little" money I may have $10.00 to someone else a "little" money may be $100.00. If I want to spend some time with you I may be talking about a day or two. You may think I mean an hour or two. Sets us up for misunderstanding and unmet expectations.
I am looking for a long term relationship. Why then would I get into a relationship with a married man? Why would I expect him to leave his wife and join me in happily ever after?
I want to travel and enjoy life! Why then would I chose a boyfriend who hates to travel and his idea of a good time is mowing the lawn?
Do I really think I have the power to change any of the above situations. Should I even want to change a person. They are who they are just as I am who I am.
I want to accept each person who comes into my life for WHO they are. I don't want to try and change ANYONE. If we have differences that should do nothing more than enhance the relationship. Sure I can LOVE their strong points but if I can't handle there weak points that is MY problem. Why try to make them see things MY way. That's what makes them who they are.
The people I love in my life are all FAR from perfect, would I love them if they were perfect, probably NOT. That would only serve to show me how imperfect I am (as if I didn't already know that).
Live and let live! No more unsolicited advice. No more shock when people don't meet my expectations. No judgement. Acceptance of who they are!!
After all it is their life....they are free to live it their way. Just as it is my life and I am going to live it MY way! Life is good!!
If I painted my room green, why would I expect it to be purple? If I cooked cabbage why would I expect it to smell like beef stew? If I made friends with someone born and bred in England why would I expect them to speak with an Italian accent? I wouldn't.
Yet once we get into a relationship with a person, be it friend, lover or even a co-worker we seem to forget about what it was that we liked about that person and focus more on how we can change them.
Okay I liked you right off the bat because you made me laugh and tell it like it is. BUT....I wish you would sugar coat when you talk about me. Therefore you are asking them to change for you.
You told me you have issues with trust and keeping secrets. BUT....I am going to tell you a secret please keep it. And when they tell we are surprise!!! Really? Did you think they would change?
I fall for a guy who is not openly affectionate. We are out and I want to sit close and have him put is arm around me and hold me close. I get more than a little angry thinking in my head that he is embarrassed to be seen with me and doesn't really care, blah, blah, blah. Now didn't I already KNOW that he wasn't going to do that?
Sometimes it is extremely important to define your terms. For instance, if I say I have a "little" money I may have $10.00 to someone else a "little" money may be $100.00. If I want to spend some time with you I may be talking about a day or two. You may think I mean an hour or two. Sets us up for misunderstanding and unmet expectations.
I am looking for a long term relationship. Why then would I get into a relationship with a married man? Why would I expect him to leave his wife and join me in happily ever after?
I want to travel and enjoy life! Why then would I chose a boyfriend who hates to travel and his idea of a good time is mowing the lawn?
Do I really think I have the power to change any of the above situations. Should I even want to change a person. They are who they are just as I am who I am.
I want to accept each person who comes into my life for WHO they are. I don't want to try and change ANYONE. If we have differences that should do nothing more than enhance the relationship. Sure I can LOVE their strong points but if I can't handle there weak points that is MY problem. Why try to make them see things MY way. That's what makes them who they are.
The people I love in my life are all FAR from perfect, would I love them if they were perfect, probably NOT. That would only serve to show me how imperfect I am (as if I didn't already know that).
Live and let live! No more unsolicited advice. No more shock when people don't meet my expectations. No judgement. Acceptance of who they are!!
After all it is their life....they are free to live it their way. Just as it is my life and I am going to live it MY way! Life is good!!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Why Am I Wasting Time?
I received news today of yet another classmate passing away. This woman was a vibrant, fun loving woman who within the past few months went skydiving! And in the blink of an eye she is gone.
In the blink of an eye her family's world is turned upside down, never to be the same. Time is so short, we never know when it is going to be our last day. We never know if today is the last time we will see our loved one. We never know.....
And here I sit, wasting precious time, lamenting a love that is lost and a love that was never meant to be. How foolish am I? When I should be happy to be alive I am wishing I were dead. When I love so many I am wishing for the love of one. One is gone, never to return, the other doesn't return the love I have for him. I'm stuck. I'm struggling. The absence of joy is making each day harder and harder to cope through. Brief glimpses of my former self emerge when I can manage to keep social commitments. I put on my face and try to enjoy the moment. Sometimes I actually lose myself in the moment. But always it comes back to me, lonely, lacking, needing and wanting what I don't have.
I have to focus on what is good, I have to find the best in me, in my circumstances. I have to remember all the people who do love and care about me and that I love and care about. True I don't understand why I can't have that special man in my life to love and dote upon, but is that truly the end of the world? Yes it feels like it, but I have to make a choice. I can let it eat me alive, consume my very being or I can muster all the strength I can and try with all my might to make each day special in some small way. I am wasting time waiting for this man to make me happy, I can't afford to wait. Time is moving on, I have things to do, lives to touch and memories to make.
Marsha I will miss you but your memory will live on in my mind and my heart. I want to live my life as fully as you did.
This is my life, I am wasting time, I am committed to doing better and living!!!!!
In the blink of an eye her family's world is turned upside down, never to be the same. Time is so short, we never know when it is going to be our last day. We never know if today is the last time we will see our loved one. We never know.....
And here I sit, wasting precious time, lamenting a love that is lost and a love that was never meant to be. How foolish am I? When I should be happy to be alive I am wishing I were dead. When I love so many I am wishing for the love of one. One is gone, never to return, the other doesn't return the love I have for him. I'm stuck. I'm struggling. The absence of joy is making each day harder and harder to cope through. Brief glimpses of my former self emerge when I can manage to keep social commitments. I put on my face and try to enjoy the moment. Sometimes I actually lose myself in the moment. But always it comes back to me, lonely, lacking, needing and wanting what I don't have.
I have to focus on what is good, I have to find the best in me, in my circumstances. I have to remember all the people who do love and care about me and that I love and care about. True I don't understand why I can't have that special man in my life to love and dote upon, but is that truly the end of the world? Yes it feels like it, but I have to make a choice. I can let it eat me alive, consume my very being or I can muster all the strength I can and try with all my might to make each day special in some small way. I am wasting time waiting for this man to make me happy, I can't afford to wait. Time is moving on, I have things to do, lives to touch and memories to make.
Marsha I will miss you but your memory will live on in my mind and my heart. I want to live my life as fully as you did.
This is my life, I am wasting time, I am committed to doing better and living!!!!!
Just One Of Those Days
Why do I wake up some mornings feeling so anxious I can hardly breath?
Impending doom prevails. Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous. Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today? Sit on the computer, again? Watch another on my many movies, again? Take a nap, again? Sigh. Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it. Pointless I know. No purpose. Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy. I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer? Really!!? Anxiety mounts.
Why did I get out of bed? Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep. The promise of a new day made me get up. Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop. Why am I here? Why do I have to face another day alone? Why does my heart ache for something I can not have? Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy. Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on. Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail. I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?
"Pull yourself together" my head demands. "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward. No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?" For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......
Impending doom prevails. Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous. Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today? Sit on the computer, again? Watch another on my many movies, again? Take a nap, again? Sigh. Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it. Pointless I know. No purpose. Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy. I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer? Really!!? Anxiety mounts.
Why did I get out of bed? Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep. The promise of a new day made me get up. Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop. Why am I here? Why do I have to face another day alone? Why does my heart ache for something I can not have? Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy. Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on. Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail. I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?
"Pull yourself together" my head demands. "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward. No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?" For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......
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